"I realized when reading what my W was writing on the boards that with most people, a divorce isn't necessarily a required option. Assuming we're two fairly normal people without any massive problems (abusing each other, etc), it's possible to work through anything. And that's a pretty big thing to realize. I realized if I went back with her, I didn't need to worry about rejection. I could tell her everything that happened (still was incredibly hard to do), and I was fairly sure she wouldn't kick me out. It's hard putting the trust back in a person, but knowing what she'd said on the board and what she believed in, it made it possible for me to try."
Quote from the H that I found in one of those past threads. What happened to the guy with this opinion? I know that we both stopped working on the M and a lot of the good changes we put in place were forgotten but that doesn't mean it's over. Like I said, it's something that you have to keep working at and we both stopped doing that over the years. That can change.
I know he thinks he has to get to the point of D in order to spark these changes and this sitch is probably just proving that to him but I think it's not as simple as that. I didn't know the sitch was quite that serious. When we did have the discussion about possible D a year and a half ago I barely processed it. Neither of us communicated what the real issues were.
Calystra - I was originally here in 2005 and became a "success" story too, only to return about a year and a half ago. I can't even figure out how to find my old posts and I think that might be a good thing. All it would do is make me fail more like a failure today.
My last two days have been the worst in quite some time, and I am reeling and dying inside, but I will tell you what I try to tell myself - you have put more work and effort into your marriage than virtually every "happily married" person you see. As much as it hurts, sometimes it just doesn't matter. But it doesn't lessen your efforts in any way.
I don't know anyone here, but to me so many of us seem like incredible people. The kind of people are spouses should be thrilled to be with, yet they choose not to. It makes no sense, but it is still the truth.
Be prepared for things to be twice as hard this time. They certainly have been for me.
Thanks BTM, it's comforting in some way to hear that I'm not the only one back here for a 2nd shot.
It's definitely harder already because of the previous success. You hear the doubts creep in about whether the M should have been saved the first time. But I think it should have and I think you have to keep working at the M.
I know both of us stopped at it. I know both of us let it go too long. I just don't think there is anything called "too late" because even if you're not feeling it, there is still something there. We got together for a reason. We fought in 2003 for a reason. We stayed together all these years for a reason. Sure we changed but does that mean you scrap the M? No, you learn.
Ceberon said in that WAS thread that the most important thing he learned was that love is a CHOICE. A choice you make every day. I think he forgot what that means.
Thanks BTM, it's comforting in some way to hear that I'm not the only one back here for a 2nd shot.
It's definitely harder already because of the previous success. You hear the doubts creep in about whether the M should have been saved the first time. But I think it should have and I think you have to keep working at the M.
I know both of us stopped at it. I know both of us let it go too long. I just don't think there is anything called "too late" because even if you're not feeling it, there is still something there. We got together for a reason. We fought in 2003 for a reason. We stayed together all these years for a reason. Sure we changed but does that mean you scrap the M? No, you learn.
I wish I had some doubt whether our M should have been saved the first time. That would makes things so much better. Instead, I know it should have been saved then and should be saved now. I know that like I know I love my kids.
Hmm... how do you tell when it's an MLC? It sure feels like one. In the last 3 years, H got a great new job and we moved cities. He lost a lot of weight and got in great shape, he now makes exercise a priority and his hobbies are all active. He has changed his diet, gotten new friends, we decided at some point to have kids which was not in the plan before.
The other things about how nothing with me is good seem to hit the mark too. But how do you know for sure?
Anyways, just putting my thoughts down here. I need to whip up some goals here soon. Maybe next week I will be in the right place to do that.
Are his friends "much" younger? Is he doing more "drinking" activities? Or hobbies / activities that are normally associated with a young generation? I know my W will "go out" with her nieces and kids of friends, who are all in their early twenties. And she'll go just with them, without an older crowd, at times.
They are all mid-20's and we are early 30's. We usually find friends in this age range though because we don't have kids and it's harder to find people in our age bracket that are free. But yeah they are younger, none are married though they are all in relationships.
He changed his life when we moved to Seattle. He went from mostly sedentary activities at the computer to a lot of active things like walking, hiking, crossfit, working out, running. boating, kayaking, rock climbing etc. He's in really great shape these days and feels good about it because it was a priority of his that he always ignored.
So it's like... kinda a MLC and kinda not? So hard to tell.
