It is 10 PM, and I cannot stay up any longer. He has not called to say that he's not coming home tonight, but I would be surprised if he does come home. He had promised that he would call if plans changed, but I've believed little of what's come out of his mouth lately. I wonder if I continue not to contact how long he'll stay away. If this continues, I don't want him to have anything to do with the baby. I refuse to let someone this unpredictable and irresponsible be in her life.
May - Congrats on your upcoming baby! Your daughter will be a blessing in your life.
My heart goes out to you as well right now. My situation is a bit different than yours, except that my W and I had our first baby in August and have been married for 2.5 years as well.
Pregnancy and the anxiety/excitement of a first child can do some crazy things. I think your H is pretty confused right now. Just as a runaway bride would get before her wedding day, I can see how a future father would panic and lose himself before the reality of starting a family. I don't think this justifies his behavior, though.
If your H is willing, I think couples therapy would be a positive move. I know that my W and I have made a ton of progress just communicating with each other, so that has been huge for me. Maybe through this communication, you can really see where your H is mentally right now. It might also allow you to communicate to him where your concerns are.
Keep up with the child birth preparations. You really need to take care of yourself and that baby. I know it is difficult for you right now, but you have come to a good place. The wisdom on this board is amazing. Take care!
Me - 33 W - 33 S - 9 months M - 3 years T - 5.5 years Bomb - 12/14/10 ILYBNILWY PA discovered - 1/18/11 PA began - 3/22/10 Separated
I don't know what's going on. The only account I have access to anymore is his AA.com account. When I didn't hear anything from him and he didn't come home, I checked it this morning. To my shock and surprise, it said that he had left for California on Saturday night and would not be back until next Monday. But a lot of things didn't make sense: the flight number and time was exactly the same as it was for his last flight(from 2 weeks ago), but the seat number and record number were different. It also said that all of his ticketing information had been completed last night (therefore, how could he have gotten on a plane on Saturday??). So none of this made sense.
So I texted him and said, "please turn on Google latitude. I'm just worried seeing as I didn't hear from you last night". He texted back "Oops" and turned on his latitude. It said he was still in our state, en route to his work. At the same time, I know you can mess with the GPS coordinates of your phone to say anything you want it to, so I also asked to see his bank acct (we had agreed earlier that he would let me see it whenever I asked, and I haven't asked in almost 2 weeks). So he sent me a screen shot, but that also didn't prove anything. It showed that while yes, he had been in our state doing things on Saturday, it also showed that he took out almost 400 dollars in (see: untraceable) cash, and has had no activity since Saturday.
So I don't know what to believe. I asked what his plans were and he said to stay with his parents "through the weekend" and did not know if he would be attending the MC session next Monday. Definitely would not be attending the one tomorrow, but he wants me to go.
The other odd thing, is that I told him if he wanted his parents to come to our couple's baby shower, I needed to set up to speak with them prior to that date (because how awkward is that to see people who f-ing hate you and blame you for the fallout of their family and the first time you see each other in 4 years is when you're 8 months pregnant at your baby shower....). He said that was fine and he would let them know.
So he's cool with some things, he's not with others, and he's just generally very non-commital. And of course, he will not make a commitment as to what day/time he plans on returning to the house.
At least when he said he would be back last night there was a finish line to anticipate. Now it's just completely open ended.
I don't know how I'm going to continue to keep it together. I don't plan to make any other contact with him until Monday morning (at which point I will send him just a reminder saying "MC is today at 5:30 if you plan on coming"). I have plans to hang out with his friends tonight. I can't decide if I will tell them about all this or not.
I told H's oldest friend (he's one of the few that knows about this whole situation) about the information I found on AA.com. They have been friends for almost 25 years. He said he was so angry to hear that if it was true that he would most definitely end their friendship over it. This man is a very level headed, patient, tolerant man. For him to say something like this just proves the gravity of the situation.
He's definitely not in California. Which provides some solace, but I don't know if he's definitely at his parent's house. And who knows when he's coming back (he doesn't even know when he's coming back).
I'm beginning to feel the backlash from those that know what's going on. This is why I chose to tell so few people. Those that know have lost their patience with him and are now furious with him. More upset than me in some cases. This is why I have to keep this under wraps.
Even the couple's therapist asked me how long I planned to keep up the charade of everything being ok. She thinks his behavior is completely unacceptable. Which I agree, it is unacceptable, but there's nothing I can do about it. I mean, with the exception of someone saying that he is a danger to himself or others and getting him committed (which no one would be willing to do), my hands are completely tied.
My baby steps for this week could be counted as that he IS responding to me WHEN I initiate (which is very, very rare). He also is not completely ignoring MC, just saying he was unable/unwilling to go to this last one, and the next one is questionable. And it seems to be the general consensus that he would never in a million years actually file for a D. He may do everything in his power to get ME to file for D, but he should know me better than that (after all, I have the patience of Job, remember?).
And I guess that was my other spot of light this week. Ever since reading Michele's book, the main theme seemed to be patience. A while back, someone was talking about me and said, "she has the patience of Job" and I was reminded of that as I was reading Michele's book. So every time I saw the word "patience" I circled it and wrote at the bottom of the page, "I have the patience of Job". And at my faculty meeting on Thursday, my principal was talking about compliance in the children, and how she had visited my classroom that day, and in front of the whole faculty she said, "I was in her class today and they were working on compliance. And first off, it should be said that she has the patience of Job."
And I felt like it was the way the universe wanted to tell me that I'm doing the right thing.
I'm beginning to feel the backlash from those that know what's going on. This is why I chose to tell so few people. Those that know have lost their patience with him and are now furious with him. More upset than me in some cases. This is why I have to keep this under wraps.
This is a very good idea, May! I made the mistake of telling my family about my W's affair before I confronted my W. I got very mixed signals concerning exposure, so I felt like my family is my support system, so they need to know. I was devasted and needed their support. For weeks after, I talk to at least one of them for hours a day. Just vented. Now as my W and I are going through therapy, my W recognizes that it will never be the same between my family and her. I try and tell her that forgiveness will come over time. It has really put a painful spot between us right now. Not to mention, that your supporters are going to say everything to protect you. It took me weeks of telling my family members what my plan and goals were. They thought my patience was crazy. They said I was in denial. It is only now, after two months, have they stopped giving me advice and are believing in my process.
Be very careful of who you go to with your information right now. What he is doing is very wrong, but the people that you tell will not be as willing to reconcile as you will be. I think you are doing well to keep it under wraps for now (even though you may feel like crying out for support).
Originally Posted By: dueinMay
And I guess that was my other spot of light this week. Ever since reading Michele's book, the main theme seemed to be patience. A while back, someone was talking about me and said, "she has the patience of Job" and I was reminded of that as I was reading Michele's book. So every time I saw the word "patience" I circled it and wrote at the bottom of the page, "I have the patience of Job". And at my faculty meeting on Thursday, my principal was talking about compliance in the children, and how she had visited my classroom that day, and in front of the whole faculty she said, "I was in her class today and they were working on compliance. And first off, it should be said that she has the patience of Job."
And I felt like it was the way the universe wanted to tell me that I'm doing the right thing.
Patience is an amazing virtue. You are doing a fantastic job of expressing your patience right now in the face of an awful situation. Stick with it. Keep implementing the steps you are learning from DR and here on these boards. Take care of yourself and that baby! Try to keep the pursuing behaviors down toward your H even though it seems as though he is completely lost. We often want to throw them a life line as we always have when our spouse's are lost, but it is very important not to in this circumstance.
You are doing a great job so far. Keep checking in. Take care of that baby! This will be the most exciting moment in your life.
Me - 33 W - 33 S - 9 months M - 3 years T - 5.5 years Bomb - 12/14/10 ILYBNILWY PA discovered - 1/18/11 PA began - 3/22/10 Separated
Sparks, thank you for the encouraging words. I'm so thankful to have found a community that will support me in my patience and tolerance in what I'm sure others find as weakness or pure insanity. They have no clue what a battle it is to NOT throw in the towel. H had said that he knew the "easy" way out was to just stay in the marriage and say nothing. He seems so clueless.
I just couldn't handle the anxiety. I finally broke down and texted him: "If you would feel comfortable, please update your latitude" Within an hour, he had done so and it does appear that he's staying with his parents. So this brings me some comfort, not only in that he is where he says he is, but that he was so compliant with the request (and fairly good with the time too).
If he just hadn't been so deceptive over the past few months, I feel like I would not be nearly as neurotic about all of this. I really do feel like my father prepped me for the weirdness that is a man becoming a father. It doesn't mean I understand it, I just know that it exists.
The thing that really hurts me in all of this is not so much the potential demise of my marriage. I love him dearly, and want nothing more than to go back to what we had before, but at the same time I know I will be fine. I'm well educated, independent, have a loving and supportive family and do pretty well as far as my career goes.
But the sadness from the potential that my sweet daughter will never know who her father was or should be just breaks my heart. Daddies do not know what pain they cause their daughters when they screw up. It is a very hard day in a daughter's life when she realizes how human her father is, and what poor choices he can make. The idea of knowing that from the beginning of her life makes me so sad for her. Especially when I know the man that he was and can be.
I feel like I'm putting a lot of pressure on her to be the savior. I really want her to be the savior of our marriage and of our family. That's a lot to ask from a little infant, but I can't help but think that she will be. And the only thing that H has said about her that he has said since the day he found out about her was, "she's going to change the world". While that would be nice, I just want her to change ours.
I'm just counting the days. Most pregnant women at this point in the game are pretty much ready to be done. I am too, but for different reasons. I really don't feel that big, and my pregnancy has been physically VERY easy. I'm just ready to be at the end of the tunnel. Seeing the light is not enough.
I need to focus on the behaviors, both mine and his.
Baby steps: 1. He is still responding to my communication efforts (when they happen). 2. He is very compliant with my requests. 3. I have not spoken with him since last Friday. 4. I did contact him Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday, but the time between Thursday and Friday was almost a full 36 hours. 5. I am making plans for this weekend and next. 6. I went to the couples therapist, my therapist, and intend to go to the couples therapist again with or without him on Monday. 7. I signed up for the baby class.
Goals: 1. Go to the baby class with or without H. Notify him on Tuesday morning of the time/date and tell him, "I'm going. You can come or not, it's your decision, but it's paid for regardless" 2. Send him an email on Monday morning reminding him of the session at 5:30. Again say, "You are welcome to come if you want, I am going regardless of your decision." 3. Call his parents on Tuesday if they have not called me. I have been very respectful over the years to not contact them without specific permission from H, and it's about time I made my own decisions on this matter. I am an adult, they are adults and this is my child we will be discussing. I do not need his permission to speak with them. I will not bring up H's behavior, I will stick to the child. 4. Continue to take my meds and eat. And I need to go to the grocery store. I realized I've not been since this whole thing started over a month ago.
I am unsure what do to about the shower. I want to tell him that I do not wish for him to come to the shower on the 9th if that is the first time he intends on seeing me and our hosts (whom he's also been avoiding). It is very rude and disrespectful to show up and pretend everything is ok. If he cannot handle having adult interactions before the party, he is unwelcome. At the same time, I wonder if this is putting to much of a demand on him seeing as he so desperately needs to have no demands at all at this time. I feel like it's a boundary for me though. You can do what you need to do to get yourself where you need to be, but for me to be happy and healthy, I will not allow you to walk all over me and do whatever you please. I'm not forcing him into doing something, but rather making my expectations known. I am not trying to take away his choice to see me or not, but I don't want him taking away my comfort either. If he can't even hold a conversation with me in private, how will he handle being in a public setting? Thoughts?
First, my heart goes out to you and big, big hugs. I think you took one of the most important steps in writing down your "baby steps" and goals. I would like to see one more goal, however. Stop asking him to turn his tracking on. i know that is very hard and believe me, I've done the same things. However, at the end of the day, it shows that we are not detached enough and it is ultimately damaging.
You need to be proud of yourself for where you are right now. Very proud. It's very hard to reach out in this type of situation and you've made it over the most difficult hurdle. Just keep talking.
I can't imagine what you are going through being pregnant and going through this. However, taking care of you and your baby needs to be a TOP priority. #1. There almost cannot be a #2 at this time.
In terms of the shower, has he expressed a desire to go???
LIS, thank you for your support and prayers. Yes, he has expressed a desire to go. A while back, he was saying that he didn't want to go, but as soon as I said, "well, I'm doing it with or without you because our friends love me and this baby and want to celebrate this even if you don't", then he said he'd go. Shortly thereafter he said he wanted his parents to attend too. So it's encouraging that he wants to go, but I'm unsure of the motivation behind his parents going. I don't know if he wants them to be there so they can be a part of our child's life, or if he wants them to be there in order to somewhat protect him. It's all very confusing. Not to mention EVERYONE is aware of the fact that we do not talk to them. So for them to show up at a major life even like a baby shower knowing we've not spoken in years is definitely going to raise some eyebrows. I have no idea how I will answer those questions (and I know there will be questions).
Yes, I think I will have to stop asking about the tracking as well. I finally found a way to manually change the location to effectively lie about wherever it says I am, so if he has figured that out as well, it's pointless to even ask. Why ask if he can lie about it, right? I thought it was a fail proof way to know what he was doing, but clearly it's not. So there's no point in driving myself crazy wondering if his location is real or fabricated.
I have a feeling he will come home tomorrow or Tuesday. I am unsure whether or not he will go to the MC tomorrow, but I feel sure he'll be home within the next 24-72 hours. I don't know why I feel like this, but I also felt like he was not going to come home when he originally said he would, and sure enough he didn't. I feel like my intuitions have been pretty spot on during most of the past few months (maybe not the wanting to leave the whole marriage part, but I definitely could sense the depression, the MLC, the fear of the baby, etc.).
I found out from his best friend yesterday that over their New Years trip, H had randomly volunteered the information about fearing being a bad father and not knowing what to do. And a month ago, H had his best friend take him to the airport and when just doing the normal "so how's everything been lately?" conversation, H also decided to randomly offer up that he was in counseling. I don't know many people who would do that. And when they met for dinner last week, best friend said that H kept going between the arguments of "well, we have things that are messed up in our marriage" and "It's really not her at all, it's all me". So I feel like these are signs that he recognizes a problem, and has the desire to have someone help him through it, but it's just so scary for him. He's most definitely ashamed of his actions. He is hiding from those who know what's going on like the plague.
In counseling we were taught that discomfort is good because it the feeling necessary for change. If people are comfortable with their behaviors, why should they change? It's not bothering them. So I'm glad that he is clearly uncomfortable. I just hope that he addresses it in a healthy way instead of continuing to spiral out of control.
