Mk, It is quite right to feel anger, and it is good to vent it. It is also good to use it to motivate yourself. Motivate not influence you to a mean spirited response. IMO we need to take the high road when interacting with our WAS. It can become a fine line so please examine your goals and boundaries respective of the D. Use goals and boundaries to prevent becoming a door mat. You are much stronger now than three months ago.
It is natural for our S family to circle the wagons around them. It is natural for our S to vilify us. To my thinking the more they vilify, the more outlandish the claims, the less sustainable the support become, so long as we do not provide fuel to sustain it.
Actions speak louder. Take the high road and demonstrate you are the fair person, the better person. Do it for you not to show them. At the end of the day we all,…all S included, must look into the mirror. At the end of life we all must stand before our deity.
We all backslide and let anger show at some point, don’t let it color the person you are or what you are trying to protect. Your dad is right, but you knew that. Take a deep breath, review your short term goals, and dedicate yourself to them again.
I don’t know if you can take something from this or not, but for what it is worth: I have come to accept my drama will include D. I am not done. I will act in a fair and equitable manner. I will place my goals above Ws. I will uphold my personal integrity.
BITS Me 55, ACK, when did that happen? Doesn't feel like 55 D 30 S 27
You create your own universe as you go along - Winston Churchill
JS: Thanks for setting my compass in the right direction. Yea, nowadays, anger has become a new emotion. I never had it till now. My fear is that it will make me do stuff that i might regret later. I have to channel it correctly.
My dad keeps telling me that wife will not have her blinders lifted until the D goes through. Maybe for me things will only get better after the D. I just have to accept it.
Thanks for your feedback.
BITS M 38 W 36 D 7 Married 15 yrs W left for 6 months in 2009 W Filed for D 01/03/11 piecing now...
Anger is a very natural emotion to have right now. Just try to process it without taking it out on her. It's something I battle as well. Hang in there.
BITS
Happiness is not something ready made. It comes from your own actions.
Been trying to figure out how to talk with daughter 5 days of the week instead of the current 3 days. Wife sends me daughter's schedule and tells me that 4-5pm is the best time. But that is during my work time. So i call her to see if we could talk about the schedule instead of emailing.
She's totally rude on the phone, telling me that she's tired of my requests on the final decree, blah blah...Then i am interrupted by my boss. So i tell her so. Later i email and tell her that she can tell me what is on her mind.
She just emails that daughter is ready to talk to you at 4pm mon-fri. There's nothing more to discuss.
Her being this curt is stinging like hell. I am not able to let these roll off my back.
just venting...
BITS M 38 W 36 D 7 Married 15 yrs W left for 6 months in 2009 W Filed for D 01/03/11 piecing now...
Ok I am just going to say it Karma. THIS IS BS! When it comes to the kids there should not be a schedule.
Contact your attorney first and get the facts. After you speak to him call your W again and try and have a civil discussion about rearranging the schedule to fit your work schedule.
If she becomes angry and refuses then call the attorney back and have him send the pre-typed letter.
When W calls to complain in a calm loving voice explain to her why you took the action that you did.
Since she is unable to conduct herself in a civilized matter she gave you little choice.
The robbed that smiles, steals something from the thief.
Thanks 2Step. I feel like my wife has already started using my daughter against me. I talked to daughter yesterday and asked to say "I love you nana". Wife was in the background, saying 'E, just say nana that you love him' and then she hung up the phone even before daughter finished her sentence.
Sometimes i wonder why i still am in love with this person. Why i still want her back in my life.
Yea, I'll talk to my lawyer about this.
BITS M 38 W 36 D 7 Married 15 yrs W left for 6 months in 2009 W Filed for D 01/03/11 piecing now...
Not sure if this gonna be useful, but for folks with kids too far to see them everyday (like me), I think an Ipod touch would be the best ever, especially if you have an iphone or another ipod touch. You could use face-time feature. I plan to buy and give it to my daughter next time i see her.
Just a thought.
BITS M 38 W 36 D 7 Married 15 yrs W left for 6 months in 2009 W Filed for D 01/03/11 piecing now...
Read a lot of your posts. Since you posted in a variety of forums with different threads, I'm not sure I have a grasp on your sitch but just to make sure, let me re-cap and see if I have this straight, okay? And get your helmet on b/c I have to really give you some tough love reality advice here...so here goes...
You were m for a decade and in that time you yourself describe your behavior as including the following:
"A weak person who could not deal with relationship's problems and turned to her for support and comfort.
2: A person who was unable to make a decision and stick with it come bad or good.
3: Someone who was not strong in accepting what life threw at him and be happy...but instead kept wanting more and made himself unhappy.
4: Someone who's convictions were so weak that he waivers, gets depressed and cannot pull himself out of it...
My W wanted a lion of a husband, not a cat. Unfortunately for us, I turned out to be a mouse!!(at-least when it came to our R)
Oddly, these were the major issues about me in our marriage. Especially true after our D's birth and our families got into arguments. I was always nice to her. But i was not a happy person myself and i guess i brought her down. I was unable to stand up to her nor my parents. I let myself get squished in the middle...
If I missed something, let me know. And am I correct in that she felt you did not stand up for her, vis a vis your family? That's a biggie for women. Speaking for myself and the women I know who were in similar situations with in laws, it feels like betrayal, and disloyalty from my h when he tried to make peace with his family with what seemed to be at my expense. Also it comes across as very weak on the man's part. He is supposed to cleave to his wife and make it clear to others that he is with her, united.
Some 3-4 months later, what's changed in you? You are still acting based on your fears. All of the choices and decisions you are making are based on what you fear her reaction will be, or what will happen to your d, and whether you will later regret whatever you do, etc. I never saw whether you actually read the DB and Div Remedy books? Honestly, Did you read them?
Can you tell me 2 specific 180s you are doing? What about GAL? Anything?
I see a lot of the same stuff that turned her off (and turned you off too) still being replayed.
Of course you should have had your own L from the beginning of this. How consulting a L could be interpreted as "duking it out" is beyond me. I think it was easier on you b/c of fears you had that somehow if you hired a L, your w would get mad at you and maybe do something like leave you....oh wait, she already did that. So, how has your "wife pleasing approach to divorce" been working out for you so far?
Another reason I'm relieved you finally hired a L, is b/c you have to be able to tell your d someday down the road, that you fought to see her more. That you wanted custody as much as possible and that your desire to be around your only child was stronger than your fears of rejection and worries about "rocking the boat" around your soon to be ex wife. So far, I just see you paralyzed by fear and indecisiveness WHILE admitting that those are among the most UNattractive traits you possess. You are choosing to be stuck, circling the drain, expecting the worst and more or less making the very things that you fear, actually happen. You forgot the Micheal Fox quote so fast...remember that?
Here is it again"There is no better moment than now. I always tell my wife: If you dwell on your worst case scenario and it does not happen, you have wasted your time. If it does happen, you have lived it twice" YOU posted that in February and here we are, with you forgetting it.
I know that If your w doesn't see you for awhile, you will wonder if that means she won't note your changes. How can she if she doesn't see you, you'll wonder. (I'm assuming down the road you really will change, not as a tactic to get her back but b/c you want to man up, and show up for your life and daughter) Thing is, you have to have contact with her the next 15 years and beyond that, b/c you have a child together. Plus by seeing you not that often, the changes will be more noticable in a way. Wear different clothes for starters. New cologne, etc. Those are easy but visible/fragrant. Look your best when you are around her and be as calm and strong as possible when you expect a call. I had to pray out loud (in the shower if need be b/c I had kids around) before my h would call. I had to hide my anger from him (per my DB coach, which I HIGHLY recommend you get asap) so that he'd want to talk to me more. Who wants to talk to an angry or sad person or someone who wants to make you feel guilty? Most people who feel guilty, will eventually feel ANGER at the person they associate with their guilt b/c guilt is really uncomfortable. Don't try to guilt your w. You're trying to be someone who can co-parent with her and possibly be her friend, and maybe more....down the road. So don't think that guilting her will get her back. It backfires.
She'll note your changes, if they happen. BTW, I have two family members who divorced, only to remarry a few years later. It happens. But in both cases, they each changed, NOT to reconcile but to each become happier people. As such, they each brought more to the table when the reconciled and 6 years later my uncle died of cancer, surrounded by his wife and children, instead of dying alone.
What are you bringing to the table as a man? All your wife sees is your neediness, your sadness and grief, and your continued inability to act decisively or with enough self respect to be attractive. When those things change for real, you will be a happier man and happy people are simply more attractive. One thing feeds the other.
Also, you are modelling for your d what someone does when they are hurting and feel sad. You must teach her that we are in charge of our own happiness and we do not rely on others to make us happy. Making our happiness is our job, not theirs.
Run all the unpleasant stuff through the L's and refer your w to hers when these issues come up. Why? B/C that's what Ls' are for. You meanwhile are going to be upbeat and pleasant when you talk to your daughter and although there are issues to work out with your w, don't let them interefere now with your daughter time. Make that time happen as often as possible.
I can tell you for sure that no woman is unmoved by the loving interaction between her child and the father of that child. It's a turn on, period. Be the best father you can be through out this ordeal. You'll never regret that.
And re-read the DR book if you have already read it. GAL, do the 180s' and don't obsess about what your w is doing/thinking/feeling. She has not had enough time to reflect on her choices, or to listen to that little voice inside. That's b/c the more you question and challlenge her choices, the more you force her to defend them. Act as if you get it, you are resigned to her choice (and you feel sorry for HER b/c you know you are becoming a man only a fool would leave) AND you are re-building your life in a way that provides for YOUR HAPPINESS.
In short, you are getting busy meeting new interesting people, going to fascinating places and doing fun, exciting things... THAT Is attractive.
good luck
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Read a lot of your posts. Since you posted in a variety of forums with different threads, I'm not sure I have a grasp on your sitch but just to make sure, let me re-cap and see if I have this straight, okay? And get your helmet on b/c I have to really give you some tough love reality advice here...so here goes...
You were m for a decade and in that time you yourself describe your behavior as including the following:
"A weak person who could not deal with relationship's problems and turned to her for support and comfort.
2: A person who was unable to make a decision and stick with it come bad or good.
3: Someone who was not strong in accepting what life threw at him and be happy...but instead kept wanting more and made himself unhappy.
4: Someone who's convictions were so weak that he waivers, gets depressed and cannot pull himself out of it...
My W wanted a lion of a husband, not a cat. Unfortunately for us, I turned out to be a mouse!!(at-least when it came to our R)
Oddly, these were the major issues about me in our marriage. Especially true after our D's birth and our families got into arguments. I was always nice to her. But i was not a happy person myself and i guess i brought her down. I was unable to stand up to her nor my parents. I let myself get squished in the middle...
If I missed something, let me know. And am I correct in that she felt you did not stand up for her, vis a vis your family? That's a biggie for women. Speaking for myself and the women I know who were in similar situations with in laws, it feels like betrayal, and disloyalty from my h when he tried to make peace with his family with what seemed to be at my expense. Also it comes across as very weak on the man's part. He is supposed to cleave to his wife and make it clear to others that he is with her, united.
Some 3-4 months later, what's changed in you? You are still acting based on your fears. All of the choices and decisions you are making are based on what you fear her reaction will be, or what will happen to your d, and whether you will later regret whatever you do, etc. I never saw whether you actually read the DB and Div Remedy books? Honestly, Did you read them?
Can you tell me 2 specific 180s you are doing? What about GAL? Anything?
I see a lot of the same stuff that turned her off (and turned you off too) still being replayed.
Of course you should have had your own L from the beginning of this. How consulting a L could be interpreted as "duking it out" is beyond me. I think it was easier on you b/c of fears you had that somehow if you hired a L, your w would get mad at you and maybe do something like leave you....oh wait, she already did that. So, how has your "wife pleasing approach to divorce" been working out for you so far?
Another reason I'm relieved you finally hired a L, is b/c you have to be able to tell your d someday down the road, that you fought to see her more. That you wanted custody as much as possible and that your desire to be around your only child was stronger than your fears of rejection and worries about "rocking the boat" around your soon to be ex wife. So far, I just see you paralyzed by fear and indecisiveness WHILE admitting that those are among the most UNattractive traits you possess. You are choosing to be stuck, circling the drain, expecting the worst and more or less making the very things that you fear, actually happen. You forgot the Micheal Fox quote so fast...remember that?
Here is it again"There is no better moment than now. I always tell my wife: If you dwell on your worst case scenario and it does not happen, you have wasted your time. If it does happen, you have lived it twice" YOU posted that in February and here we are, with you forgetting it.
I know that If your w doesn't see you for awhile, you will wonder if that means she won't note your changes. How can she if she doesn't see you, you'll wonder. (I'm assuming down the road you really will change, not as a tactic to get her back but b/c you want to man up, and show up for your life and daughter) Thing is, you have to have contact with her the next 15 years and beyond that, b/c you have a child together. Plus by seeing you not that often, the changes will be more noticable in a way. Wear different clothes for starters. New cologne, etc. Those are easy but visible/fragrant. Look your best when you are around her and be as calm and strong as possible when you expect a call. I had to pray out loud (in the shower if need be b/c I had kids around) before my h would call. I had to hide my anger from him (per my DB coach, which I HIGHLY recommend you get asap) so that he'd want to talk to me more. Who wants to talk to an angry or sad person or someone who wants to make you feel guilty? Most people who feel guilty, will eventually feel ANGER at the person they associate with their guilt b/c guilt is really uncomfortable. Don't try to guilt your w. You're trying to be someone who can co-parent with her and possibly be her friend, and maybe more....down the road. So don't think that guilting her will get her back. It backfires.
She'll note your changes, if they happen. BTW, I have two family members who divorced, only to remarry a few years later. It happens. But in both cases, they each changed, NOT to reconcile but to each become happier people. As such, they each brought more to the table when the reconciled and 6 years later my uncle died of cancer, surrounded by his wife and children, instead of dying alone.
What are you bringing to the table as a man? All your wife sees is your neediness, your sadness and grief, and your continued inability to act decisively or with enough self respect to be attractive. When those things change for real, you will be a happier man and happy people are simply more attractive. One thing feeds the other.
Also, you are modelling for your d what someone does when they are hurting and feel sad. You must teach her that we are in charge of our own happiness and we do not rely on others to make us happy. Making our happiness is our job, not theirs.
Run all the unpleasant stuff through the L's and refer your w to hers when these issues come up. Why? B/C that's what Ls' are for. You meanwhile are going to be upbeat and pleasant when you talk to your daughter and although there are issues to work out with your w, don't let them interefere now with your daughter time. Make that time happen as often as possible.
I can tell you for sure that no woman is unmoved by the loving interaction between her child and the father of that child. It's a turn on, period. Be the best father you can be through out this ordeal. You'll never regret that.
And re-read the DR book if you have already read it. GAL, do the 180s' and don't obsess about what your w is doing/thinking/feeling. She has not had enough time to reflect on her choices, or to listen to that little voice inside. That's b/c the more you question and challlenge her choices, the more you force her to defend them. Act as if you get it, you are resigned to her choice (and you feel sorry for HER b/c you know you are becoming a man only a fool would leave) AND you are re-building your life in a way that provides for YOUR HAPPINESS.
In short, you are getting busy meeting new interesting people, going to fascinating places and doing fun, exciting things... THAT Is attractive.
good luck
WOW! Simply WOW!!! Karma read that post carefully, after you have read it, read it again!!
Simply one of the best post I have read on this forum.
