Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Sitting at home with myself, part 2

Happy Anniversary Navy, its my 18th today too.

Hope next year you hear those words from your wife!

H:41
W:44
D1:18
D2:16
S:12
D3:7
T:20
M:18
Bomb:1/5/11
Sep:2/18/11
No D filed yet; just threats

“It is what YOU make it”!

So, how was the weekend?

Thanks for asking sandi. The weekend went pretty well. I'll give a full detailed update while I'm at work tomorrow.

Well, here’s the update…this is going to be a long one.

In general, things have been pretty good. Still sleeping separately and no physical contact.

After last week’s discussion, W took the initative to go through our budget. It was pretty obvious she was really excited about the idea of a new car, so on Thursday night I went to the dealership to see what kind of numbers I could work out with them. We found the exact car she wanted and I worked out a good deal on it. Then I called her to make sure she wanted me to go ahead with the purchase. When I was talking to her, she brought up the idea of getting a “his and hers” deal so I could have a new car too. She said she had gone through our budget and if we can cut back on eating out and our other spending we could easily do it. I told her I didn’t know if I really wanted or needed a new car (if you’ve been following my sitch, I sold my sports car so we would have the money for her to go to school), and that I wasn’t going to touch her school money to buy one. So I told her I’d see what I could figure out. I worked out the deal on her car, and they did have one I liked, so I told the salesman to see what he could do on it and I would check to see if I could finance both of the cars and call him tomorrow.

When I got home around 11 PM, W was of course still awake. I told her that I worked out the deal on her car, and that I wasn’t sure if I wanted to get a car. I told her I was fine with what I had. She was very insistent that we could get 2 cars and thought it would be really fun if we did a “his and hers” car purchase. She then said that she wanted to do it and to use some of the money from selling my old car to pay off another loan so we could easily make the 2 new cars work. Then we started talking about her going back to school…and she wasn’t sure that’s what she wants to do. She started talking about trying to find a job instead. We then talked about that for a bit…in summary, she enjoys her time at home with our kids, but feels very unfulfilled and wants some “adult interaction”. Her un-fulfillment is difficult for me to understand, because our kids are so wonderful…and that is a direct reflection of her, and IMO, a huge accomplishment. But, I didn’t argue with her, and told her I will support whatever she wants to do. I offered to look into the military spouse employment programs at work the next day, and I did. Don’t think she’s called them yet.

Anyways, we got back onto the cars, and I told her there was a car there that I liked and that I would go to the bank on Friday to see if we could get 2 new car loans. Friday came, and the bank did approve me for both car loans. I called W to make sure that’s what she still wanted, and she said yes, so I got the 2 loans, and we are now the proud owners of a Lime Green 2011 Ford Fiesta (hers) and a Blue 2012 Ford Focus (mine, and an awesome car for anyone that may be looking right now). We picked up both the cars Friday afternoon and took them home. I made dinner. W thanked me for making dinner (and the car too). Later that night I thanked her for talking me into getting a car for myself too. She replied with a smile: “I thought you talked me into getting my car”. I replied “well, let’s just let each other think that”.

On to Saturday, Our 7th anniversary: We went out to lunch as a family and had a good time. After we got home, S2 went down for his nap and I took D5 out shopping. Picked up W’s card and some orange roses. It is damn hard to find an anniversary card that doesn’t say ILY, btw. I ended up finding a fairly cheesy card with cartoon fish on it that said she was the only catch for me. Here’s the note I wrote: “W, Thank you for being you, giving me our two wonderful children, and helping and inspiring me to become a better person. M.” W thanked me for the flowers but did not say Happy Anniversary back to me. Later on, a friend texted me to see if I wanted to go to the driving range with him that night. Since W said she didn’t want to do anything for our A, I accepted after checking with W that it would be ok. Friend’s W invited W and the kids over to have a bonfire while I was out golfing. She said she’d go, but didn’t seem too excited about it. I checked with her and she said she was good with it, and asked me if I expected her to jump up and down excited about it. W and kids spent the evening over at my friends house with his W and their niece while he and I went golfing. I was thinking about W a lot, but decided that it was for the best that we didn’t hang out alone that night. When we all got home, we dyed eggs with D5 and then went to bed.

Sunday (Easter): Woke up and did the Easter basket/egg hunt with the kids. It was a beautiful morning. We then got ready to go over to the same friends’ house for a little Easter party. W put on a new outfit to wear…when I saw her I just said “whoa”. She said “you like?” I said “very much”. Then she asked me to help pin the back because it was a little loose. It was weird because I had to pin it to her bra, and she seemed totally fine with that. We stayed for about 4 hours and had a good time. When we got in the car (W’s new car) to go home we noticed a buzzing sound coming from one of the speakers and it wouldn’t go away. On the way home W’s mood changed. The kids were in the back and I didn’t think they were really being loud or misbehaving but W turned around and yelled at them to be quiet. I was pretty shocked by this. Fortunately it was only about a 3 minute drive. When we got home I put both the kids down for a nap and then asked W if she was ok. She told me she was upset about her new car “falling apart” and that she felt like crap because her monthly “friend” was coming to visit. She then went outside to smoke and took a can of diet pepsi with her. She is a diet pepsi fiend and greatly prefers sodas in cups with ice over cans. She usually puts her soda into a cup with ice but didn’t this time. I noticed and took a cup of ice out to her. After sitting outside for awhile she came in and took a nap. I used the time to clean up the house a bit and then went out to take the new car for a spin. When she woke up she apologized to me for taking a nap. I told her no need to apologize, I understand. Nothing else to report from Sunday.

Monday: Back to work. I called the car dealer to check on W’s car and sent her a text to tell her she could take it in for them to look at. They are going to replace her speaker…somehow it is already blown. Started with a new IC. She seems pretty good…but lots of focus on how hard the last 3 months have been on me…maybe I need that, I dunno. Came home and W made tacos for dinner. After that I took the kids outside to play and W came out for a bit. Then we put them to bed. W and I watched a couple TV shows together and then I went to bed.

Today: Got up and went to work this morning. Came in early so I could play Ultimate with a group that meets out here…it was a good time. Checked facebook while I was at work and saw W posted this to a recently D’d girlfriend of hers late last night: “We were really separated at birth. Glad I found you again. Don't know what I would do without you in my life. Thanks for all your support and love and kindness. If I were half the woman you are, I would be happy. You inspire me every day to be a better person and I thank God that He brought you into my life. Thanks for the chat. I love and miss you and can't wait to see you!!!”

Not sure how I feel about this. I am totally supportive of her having good friends, but it hurts a lot that she has those words for a friend that she’s only known for about 4 years given where we are at right now. I feel like she became very emotionally attached to this friend because she wasn’t getting what she needed from me. And now that I can give her what she needs, she doesn’t need it from me because she is getting it from her friend. I dunno.

Well, last night W stayed up until 1:30 or so. Last night she posted on FB that she was "Sitting around drinking a beer and listening to music. That's about it."

Interesting night last night.

While I was at work yesterday, W texted me to tell me that D5’s goldfish that we got at the carnival last week had died. When I got home she asked me if she thinks we should tell D5 and teach her about how things die or just get rid of it. I thought we should tell D5 and she agreed. So we went into D5’s room and I told her that “Gold Beauty” had died. It took a minute for it to set in and then she started crying. It was so sad. I almost started crying too…but at the same time I was glad that I was there to teach her this and comfort her.

Then D5 asked if she could get a new fish, and W and I couldn’t say no, of course. So out D5 and I went to go get a new fish. W had the idea that D5 and I could get dinner while we were out too, so D5 was excited. We went to Wendy’s for dinner, and then to the pet store. Over and hour and $130 later, we walked out with a new 20-gallon aquarium set-up. I let D5 pick all the tank decorations…it is quite lovely. D5 was upset that we didn’t get to bring fish home, but she understood when I explained that we have to get the water right before we can put fish in there. When I got home W and I set up the fish tank…it looks really cool. W said she was excited to have a nice fish tank and really seemed happy that we got it.

After that we put D5 to bed and sat around and chatted about random stuff for awhile…just friend talk, nothing serious. Then she told me she’s still frustrated with her new car (the speaker buzzing and her iPhone not working with the SYNC/Bluetooth system) so I offered to go try to set it up for her. I took her phone out to the car and it took me about a half hour, but I got it figured out and working. After awhile, she came out to the car and I showed her how it works and figured out a few more of the cool things it does.

So now for the weird thing…when I turned her phone on to set it up, I had to open the web browser and it was on a website for an adult novelty store. No idea what she is doing looking at that, but my best guess is she’s getting a gag gift for the bride/groom at the upcoming wedding in New Orleans. Best case would be she’s buying some stuff for us to wear/try out. Worst case is...well, I don’t even want to go there. I’ve been debating asking her about it…but I don’t think that will do me any good.

Overall, things have been good for 10 days now…no arguments at all…lots of little positives. I’m planning a little surprise birthday party for her on Saturday night.

Navy, I would not ask. I would not mention it. You're building trust. Can't do that if she perceives you are snooping. I know you were not, but she might perceive it that way.

You do not gain anything by bringing it up and stand to lose a little.

Agreed with JS. Here's hoping it's a surprise for you though!

Hi Navy...finally managed to get caught up on all your threads, so much great info in your story. And so many parallels with mine.

I'm in a sort of unofficial sep myself right now, except that we see each other quite a bit. I think I'm at the beginning stages where you were when you came home from overseas, but I'm not sure. I'm honestly not sure about a lot.

Anyway, don't really have much advice to share, but I just wanted to say that your story has really inspired me to follow your example and give that unconditional love. If you have a chance, I'd love to hear your thoughts on my sitch.

Hope those positives keep coming for you my friend.