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Remember that friends do not like to see you in pain and most people take the easy way out. They do not realize that you are so strong to make the decisions you are making, and you choose to work hard on your M vs. just throwing in the towel. I think a lot of people think about D like suicide: a permanent, quick solution to a temporary problem. Don't let others try to convince you that you should off your M, especially if you want to keep it.

We are here to support you in your decisions. We are all in the same boat.

Ditto what islander & DIM said!

You have know idea what he was doing and, honestly, you don't really need to know right now as you have yourself to worry about. Your friends, of course, will add a lot of drama and get you worked up without meaning to. Ignore them. Forget all this stuff. Just concentrate on getting yourself back on the right track. If he thinks you'll attack him every time something happens, you'll just push him further away. Remember, do what works, don't do what doesn't.

A guide my DB coach gave me may help you. She said, "Ask yourself, will what I'm about to say to my W bring her closer, push her away, or neither? If it doesn't bring her closer, don't say it. Period. Always be bringing her closer." It may help your sitch to apply that rule with your H.

Don't be your own worst enemy. That's my job ;-)

Your right- I did attack him and I did push him away.
I shouldn't jump to conclusions, but hearing he was with other women hurts!
It hurts terribly! I have been trying to be strong, this is all just so hard.
Yes, my friends all mean well and they don't like to see me hurt.
And the analogy of suicide is a good one, because it's very true.
I think I'm going to have to just keep these thoughts and feelings to myself and journal on this board. The less explaining I have to do-the better.

DG,

I completely understand the need to accuse. Only from experience I can say it doesn't work to communicate that feeling. Even if he was doing something, chances are he wouldn't be completely honest and will push him away or give him another reason to leave the relationship.
Stay the course, share your feelings here, think what will bring you closer to your goal, take a step back and breathe.

---------------------------------------
H:41
W:44
D1:18
D2:16
S:12
D3:7
T:20
M:18..soon
Bomb:1/5/11
Sep:2/18/11
No D filed yet; just threats

“It is what YOU make it”!

Journaling---

Today is a hard day for me. I am depressed and trying very hard not to break down. I am going to see my Dr today because I have been sick all week. It [censored].
I'm very emotional, and with every day that passes I lose hope that we will be able to reconcile. I love him so much and would give anything to go back in time to fix all the times I hurt him or made him feel like he wasn't anything to me. I hate myself for being that kind of person because I know better.
I love him so much....and I'm so fearful of having to go through life without him. The thought of that kills me.
I really hope we can work through this.

I hope your Dr visit helps you feel better. I have found that when you let emotions control your life It leads to trouble sleeping, eating, getting run down, and ending up sick.
I have learned from this forum that it is important to take control of your own emotions and stop thinking about your WAS. It's really hard to force yourself to be positive and happy when all this is going on, but you have to do it. There will be times when you slip and let self-pity and fear rule you, but you need to keep fighting it. It will get better over time if you work at it.

I'm trying...oh God am I trying...but I always seem to slip back into the same pattern of thinking and actions.
I wish I wasn't such a negative person. I feel powerless to change it.

DG - ditto what DIM, islander, bboom, and OMW said.

Keep focusing on yourself. You have done a lot for yourself already. You have come a long way. I think you've recognized some things you want to change and you're making progress on chanigng them - don't forget that. You also need to remember the positives over the last few days, and from what I've seen you've had a decent number of those.

I will also share something I got from my DB coach, and that's don't worry about what your H is doing or not doing, continue to focus on yourself.

When all else fails, keeping snapping that rubber band on your wrist. You're going to the doctor today anyway so you can't do too much damage .

I hope you feel better. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers. We're all here for you.

It is very hard not to focus on him and what he is doing or not doing.
I can't help it! As much as I try to focus on me my mind always goes back to him. I sometimes wonder if he is as upset about us being apart as I am.
Does he plan on working things out with me or not? He can't commit to saying "yes, we are working things out." Because he is scared that things will go back to how they used to be. He can see changes, he's told me so, but it isn't enough for me I guess.

He says he knows he doesn't want a divorce. So then why are we still apart?

IMO he needs time. Time to assess his own feelings. Time to be convinced your changes are the real deal.

I would say it's very likely he is much more upset than what he's showing you right now.