Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis Unwavering hostility

Forgive me the plagerism, but if you look at my thread, my H has been trying to run roughshod over me all day. I thought your words were perfect, and sent them to him. Probably won't do a da$n bit of good, but made me feel better.

I read this thread and can so totally see the future now.
Yep, they do blame us for things, don't they? And it likely never ends in their minds. For whatever reason, they can't let it. It's possible that to them, we represent what hurt them. We can go and get help because they don't "need" it, right?
As it was once explained to me, she doesn't hate me. She hates the image she painted in her head of me. (i.e. demonized me). It was also once explained that mine doesn't have the tools to deal with her cr*p and will likely always feel this way towards me. The lack of trust, the anger, it's my fault etc. I watched this trainwreck for a long time. I believe those that told me those things are correct. What used to sadden me is that the anger is eating her up. It is sad, but I let that go as it is not my responsibility and I can do nothing for it.
And as others have said, until she hits bottom she likely won't change. Because until then, she won't face her own actions directly and it "must" be my fault. A cycle of sorts. The alternative is not something she is equipped to handle.
Staying as dark as possible avoids much of that for me. I may get a few years of peace if she remarries the OM.

Anymore, I learned to laugh at some of these things. Except the threat of violence that may come later from some over eager boyfriend that believes I'm evil incarnate and the devil's mentor. LOL.

There comes a point where you have to let go and assume this person intends you harm. I hate to say that, but some people really do believe that you are to be punished and think if only they can punish you enough...they will be happy. From what I've seen, they try just about anything except getting help. Maybe that's the last thing if they are lucky....

Peace,
AJ

AJ, you are spot on with that assessment. My W actually said there is no way she'd end her A and begin MC because I have so many of my own issues to deal with.

Now I have my own demons like everyone else, but I hardly think being a good father, working hard, attending church and staying healthy make me the anti-Christ.

She also trotted out the notion that "we didn't have 'it' and lose 'it', we never had 'it' at all". Huh? You were miserable with me for 13 years and you gave birth to two kids with me? Hardly something she'd do with a stranger.

All our encounters are laced with the bubbling river of hate she has brewing beneath the surface. At the slightest disagreement, it all rushes forward in a tidal spew of rage. I've long wished to avoid it completely, but having young kids requires me to witness her spinning and step away.

Crushed - I love the 'I was never happy' Occasionally there is a variation on the theme 'I was sometimes happy' and 'I acted happy for everyone else' ahhhhhh

Don't want to be competitive here but my xh was apparently unhappy with me for over 30 years. Now there is a real hero don't you think? And he never said a word, although I was supposed to have known he never really loved me, and was therefore utterly in the wrong to be upset when he left me.

You would think though, that having been so unhappy and now with the person who is so 'right' for them that they might be nice??

Like Snodderly's xh mine is only nice when he wants something. But I do actually find it chilling that someone we loved and trusted can become someone so manipulative and cruel. I think that is the real trauma for us of the crisis - not the affair, not the wild behaviour, but the turning on us. Good if we can laugh at it eventually, but I suspect that most of us have to go through a lot of soul searching before we get to that place.

It is extremely traumatic to experience that level of hostility from someone with whom you were intimate on so many fundamental limits, someone who was family, someone you exposed your best and worst parts to, someone with whom you were vulnerable and let see the "inner you". That is the cruelest cut. To be treated with far less civility and consideration than a stranger on the street. Hey, don't you KNOW me? This is me.

I really feel for all WAS who get to a genuine place of remorse about their behaviour. It must be very difficult when they actually examine and take responsibility for their actions. Very difficult indeed. That is a hard place to be.

Sorry, I meant fudamental levels.

Yes, it must be a hard place to be, but ultimately we must take responsibility for our actions. We have had to deal with our own feelings and the consequences of their selfish and cruel behaviour. I was more sympathetic than I am now.

I can see what an amazing bunch of people post here, and how they have coped with everything dumped on them. The legal system often seems to conspire to benefit the WAS. I do not see much bitterness, and the fact that you can remain compassionate is amazing. Mine is exhausted, and I just want to get on with my own life. He made his choices, rejected any chance to reconcile, and has hurt a great many people who loved him. It may well hurt if he ever wakes up, but that is his problem not mine.

I don't really think this is an MLC issue. People, when they have done wrong, or wronged others will rewrite history to justify their actions. They know they are full of B.S., but the people who listen to them don't call them on it, therefore they perceive that others believe them, so they continue to do it.

I have encountered this type of hostility before, and what I am talking about is different, at least in my case.
There was a lot of the type you describe in the first two to three years.

The hostility I am writing about is directed at me in a very weird and deeply personal way. Others, such as Punkin and Snodderley, have noted the same in their spouses. It isn't simply the hostility/anger of someone who has done wrong and doesn't want to accept it. This is a deep seated sense that we are responsible for all that is wrong in their lives. Even my sons have noted it - and they are adults. They find it totally baffling after all this time he still makes me the scapegoat for everything, even though we are divorced and he got a great financial settlement, and is with OW, and I said I would be his friend if he wanted this [He didn't]. So what exactly is his problem is their view. I, as the lbs do not bear him the same grudges, and am moving on with my life.

Bea,
I'm right there w/you. My xh has been at it for 11+ years and it's not changed much. The only difference is my lack of contact w/him and the fact that he's only nice or inquires about my family when he wants something. The first few years of this madness, he was angry all of the time and nothing pleased him and the lashing out was horrible and unexpected.

He got a nice settlement, a new wife and should be living the life, but he's still at it 11+ years down the road. Is he truly happy? Who knows, but I sure went on w/my life. People who are miserable tend to stay in their hole and try to bring others down into the hole, especially the ones they think caused their misery. People who are happy don't do this type of stuff.

I was told my an elderly woman many years ago that I would never get rid of him until he was six feet under. I'm beginning to think she was right.