Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Another New Day 2

You're pursuing. NOT a good idea; NOT what works.

It will make you FEEL better in the short run, but -- by this stage -- you should be learning to operate on your THOUGHTS and PLANS, and not your FEELINGS, Islander.

You're too far into this to make such a rookie mistake. Please listen to TG.

Starsky

TG,

What is driving me is that she seems open to the idea of going to church with me. She also said she wanted to go to my Ds play with me and was going to try to get off of work to do that. I am not pressuring her to do anything.

Going to church together would be a big step forward for us. I think that is my goal right now, and I hink it could happen in the next month. But I cannot pressure her, or I think she will resist. I will ask and accept wo question whatever answer I get.

She told me three weeks ago she thought about goin with us to a church concert, but did not want to bc her dad would be there. When and if we go to church together, it will just be me and her.

I think that by not communication with her like I was was hurting more than helping my sitch, but I am analyzing everything, and guessing too, to be honest.

I was thinking today that by being absent, I may actually be making it easier for her and OM. maybe if she starts doing things with me or talking to me more, it might hav a negative impact on their R. I am the OM right now I guess. I don't even know how Much contact she has with OM, and I am not going to ask.

So asking her isn't pressure?



I know that seems intuitive

BUT

Until she is ready to give him up I'm afraid it is not good for you.

Church means guilt.

Which I am all for just not applied directly by you.

Question:

Do you think your W left because she couldn't stand you or herself?

Or her life?

Somewhere along that continuum is your W.

If she couldn't stand YOU then you have a tough road to hoe.

Not that it can't be done but she has likely lived with the idea a while and now she has finally acted.

Tougher to turn the barge around.

And paying her the attention she craved and didn't get NOW

well

Gasoline on the fire I'm afraid.

So where are you on the continuum?

A$$HOLE or is she Whacked?

I don't think asking is pressuring. I would be pressuring her if I questioned the answer she gave me, or she told me there was no way she was going to church and I refused to accept her answer (or something along those lines).

She recently told her mom that she was wanting to go to church too.

My W didnt leave bc she couldn't stand me. She said tha lt she felt like we were really good friends, ILYBNILWY, etc. She was just lacking affection from me. We bad a lot of stressors, but those are all basically gone now.

She left searching for that ever fleeting in love feeling. But we had what was necessary for our M to work. A good friendship, which should have been the foundation for our M to be successful. But neither of us put in the work that was necessary for that to happen. It is always easier for people to place their frustrations in the wrong place with the peoe that they are closest too.

I don't know if I answers any of your questions or not. It is hard for me to go back and look at what I wrote on my iPhone.

Islander, like I said in my sitch, tough to give advice right now. I definitely don't have the right answers. But just take in the advice you have been given. Think about your motivation and your expectations, and then make a decision. We do know our own sitch's best, but we are also the most emotionally involved in them. This can cause the bad decisions.

Answer the questions asked and think about it.

I think my motivation is pretty clear.

If my W goes anywhere with me, it is bc she wants to. Obviously, I can't make my W do anything she doesn't want to do, or I would not be here.

I think anytime my W chides to do something with me, that is a step in the right direction. And to be honest, there are not that many opportunities for me to ask my W to do something with me right now. Church is only once a week. The kids school functions are few and far between. I am just going to test the wagers and see what happens.

I know this. I am going down an unfamiliar LONG dark and winding road. I know that there will be no quick overnight fixes here.

Right now, my motivation is that my W seems open to the idea of doing something with me. Maybe she never will, but the door seems open.

My expectations are very low. Maybe if she goes to church with me, she will want to go again. That's all I got right now.

I agree.

The problem is she is not there.

And you have to be very careful in how you lead her back to that.

I want you to think about the church thing.

Is it for her really? You hear that?

Or is it for you?

You said if she goes it will make you feel better about your R.

A good friendship?

What does that mean?

In the past she had wanted to go to church with me, and we had even went a couple of times. But my job did not allow me to go very often with her. I was nit really into it then. Eventually she stopped going to. She used to say that she wanted to read the entire bible and would write down bible verses that she found.

I started going to church a couple months ago and really look forward to it now. I am even reading the bible everyday.

I think going to church will be good for both of us. It is something we should have been doing anyway. And if she wants to go, and she decides to go with me, that is a good thing.

Well, W is very upset with me right now. So what's new. She is mad bc her D called her tonight and wanted to know if she could go fishing with us (me, d, and FIL) on Saturday. She asked me if she could take them to the beach with her instead. I should have jus said yes. But bf I had a chance to, she started crying and wanted to know why I even had to tell my D we were going fishing if I knew she was going to be with my SD who would want to go with her.

So now I am not supposed to tell my d anything if she is going to be with her step sister.

Then she wanted to know why my D was at her parents all of the time. I reminded her that my d was her parents grandaughter, yha we made it that way. I also asked her where she was supposed to go when I was working, bc I don't have any other family to help me. Of course, she did not have answer. She then told me she hated me and wished I would just go away, as she hung up the phone.

We exchanged several tm after that and she said she would call when she wasn't so upset. I apologized for the argument, and am NOW (unlike several minutes ago) patiently waiting for her to call me.

This is insane. Our kids believe they are sisters. That our respective parents are their grandparents. Our parents treat both of them as their granddaughters, and she expects what, that will just stop bc SHE changed her mind.

This is very, very, sickening to me. And now I am working till tomorrow morning. I guess I will have a great night. Woe, my life.

Hey Islander:

Sorry to see you like this man. You deserve better. Its normal that when the WAS doesnt get her way, whatever that may be, they start to cry and become unreasonable. Sound like somebody familiar, can you say teenage like behaviour.

They dont want to listen to reason and when they hear it, it doesnt compute so her best rebuttle is " I hate you , I wish you would just go away". Very mature.

Detach, Detach and then detach some more. Those are your only options Islander. This is the only way you are going to navigate this.

When I am semisuccesful at detaching, thats when I do best.

Have the best night you can.

9