Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Recovering after a same sex affair - Part 4

Couples Therapy Journal.

I am really going to try and keep this one a little shorter than the others. I have writing novels lately.

No real agenda this week from either side. After having a really difficult time closing last week with my wife angry from a misunderstanding of my words, I did feel like I needed to readdress the topic. I told my W that I did not wish to rehash the entirety of the conversation last week, but I did want to make sure that she did not go home with the incorrect interpretation of my words last week. Ends up, my W did take them home anyway. She feels like I was admitting to not ever thinking her opinion mattered and that I had just now decided to listen to her after five years and all of this recent turmoil. My therapist chimed in again to tell my wife that she did not hear that at all from my words. W asked therapist to allow me to explain again in my words.

I tried to explain again that I have always valued my W's opinion and have always intended for her to be on equal ground. I told her again that I have recently learned through my own self discovery of times where I should have encouraged more input from her. There have also been times that I went with the logical solution instead of the solution that she wanted. My decisions were never out of spite for my W. It wasn't all the time that this occurred. W came back to tell me that she has always felt unheard, on unequal ground, and caged. Instead of being angry about it in the last few years, she has said that she has gone numb and quit fighting about it.

Therapist chimed in to ask W if she had ever told me how she felt in the last few years while feeling these emotions. W said that she had not. I explained to my W that I never did anything intentionally to hurt her. I never want her to feel caged and unheard. That is a horrible way to feel. Therapist agreed that she sees that these previous actions were not done out of spite. I just never knew or did not recognize when they occurred, since W did not speak up to tell me that she was being hurt by them.

W said that she really started feeling caged just months after our wedding. She had written a list of crazy things that she wanted to do to "shake it up" after really starting to feel trapped. At the time, I actually encouraged this list and told my W that I would really support them and how exciting they would be to do. I had no idea at the time that the list was created because of me. These actions included everything from sky diving to laughing daily to having children to saying the words "i'm sorry".

My W feels as though the scars created from these feelings may never be healed. She does not think she can ever get past them. She mentioned that our lives are created through our past experiences and those experiences can never be forgotten. She says that she has an idea of what a marriage should look like, and the last five years is not what she thought. She is now not even sure if she wants what she thought a marriage should look like. She told me that the OW came in and it just clicked. All of the struggles and frustrations she had with me were not there. It was a very easy relationship. She is now working on herself to decide if that is what she truly needs in life.

I asked my W if she thinks that we are capable of learning more through our lives and growing from experiences. She agreed. I told her that I felt as though you may not always be able to release past experiences, but that the two of us grow and adapt according to them. This is how we improve our relationship over time. I explained to her that there will always be ups and downs but learning from each other through good experiences and bad is how we really develop our marriage. She said that she is not in love with me, and she does not know how that could ever change. She does not know how to simply get past that.

I tried to tell my W in the most heartfelt way I could that I am now really understanding where I had let her down in our past. From here, I can improve myself and how I treat her. Through this communication, we can improve our relationship and start our marriage over. She is just not sure if that is possible.

I walked out of this therapy session really feeling down. Unfortunately, it was probably evident in my attitude while leaving. I was very quiet and hurt. W gave me a hug and asked about my plans for the night. I mentioned I was meeting a friends for a beer. She told me to have fun.

With these words still impacting me, I realized that I needed to change my tone to my W. I sent her a quick text to tell her that I noticed she had pulled into a local hamburger spot after we left. Asked if she would give our S a kiss goodnight from me and that I would see them tomorrow. Upbeat and casual tone. She wrote back immediately to tell me that she would see me tomorrow and hoped I enjoyed time with friend. Not sure if I should have sent the text, but I wanted to make sure I didn't come across as being really sad.

In all honesty, I am feeling pretty down. It is so hard to be presented with the real reasons why your spouse was not happy in the relationship, you having no idea they ever existed, not ever being told that there was unhappiness to them, now understanding that you could change and improve just by knowing them, and then being told that it is too late. How is that possible? Just give me a chance!

I just find it so difficult right now to know that these are the reasons why my W felt vulnerable enough to have an affair and destroy our family, and I never saw it coming.

Here are my truths. I know that I need to keep working on myself. I know that this process will take time and patience on my part. I know my W is not in a place right now to forgive or reconcile. I know that I must not give up.

So much for keeping that shorter than the others.

These are things that are difficult for me as well. If I only would have known. How did I not see it?

Hindsight huh?

CS - It is one of those things where I was expected to pick up in the hints, I guess. Maybe she tried to bring up the things that bothered her, but I did not pick up on the seriousness of them. I will take my responsibility in the matter. In the end, I thought our relationship was pretty good except for the minor problems that I expected every marriage to have. Sure there were communication struggles and arguments over minor things. I never thought our M was in danger. Both of us come from stable households. Neither of us have a history of cheating. We had talked about our disdain for divorce and infidelity numerous times while we dated and married. Maybe I was naive. Maybe I was simply blindsided.

Our couples therapist has had a theme of telling my W when I am not at fault for something when she does not communicate to me. These major problems were just another one of those. Therapist looked at my W and asked her if she ever told me that she felt unheard, unequal, caged. My W responded "no". Therapist followed "then how did you expect your H to understand and work on the problem". So frustrating.

At this point, I can only actively listen to her and validate her feelings. I can now start to grow and learn from what she is telling me. Whether or not she decides if it is too late is her decision, not mine.

Sparks
This probably won't show up for days so bear with me. As I read your post I actually felt optimistic for you. I know it's weird but I have actually heard the same from my W. Just remember that she is angry because she may be having second thoughts because of all the good changes. Remember she had a fairy tale of a life planned and your changes and reality have made her think twice prolonging her uncertainty and pain. So naturally she resorts to her old scapegoat which is you. I know it's hard to hear but don't get dragged in let her throw her fit, and be there with a smile when she calms down.

Same for me. I've since learned my WAW was speaking in code the whole time, and me being male, didn't know the secret handshake or use the proper decoder. I should've caught on when I found my standard joke with friends was "Don't assume if you tell my wife that I'll automatically know. She thinks I'm Kreskin and should just know without actually telling me anything." My own humorous sense of irony, as that seems to be exactly what she thought - HOW could I have NOT known?

Hurts my brain just thinking about it.

Interesting about the MC. I see a potential future in your posts for me - if I make it that far. She goest to IC soon. I'm not going to say anything, but assume at some point, a couples session or two will be required, so keep posting.

Thanks GB90 and OWM. It's been another week of more the same. I may take up boxing once this is all over. I could probably last a few rounds against a pro with all of the ducking and dodging that I have been practicing.

I have to keep telling myself that this is temporary. The understanding that her anger will not last forever is the only thing getting me through this. Right now, she is avoiding any kind of personal conversation that does not relate to our S. She has also been less responsive with questions regarding our S, which is not okay to me. I understand that you do not want to talk about your crappy life right now, but we agreed that our S comes first.

My S has been doing great. Little guy now has two teeth popping through. He is still super congested, but he has been all smiles. My Mom came in town over the weekend, so it was nice for her to spend time with her grandson.

I have been taking care of myself. I spend my hour lunch break outside exercising. This daily habit should be good for me. I have been having fun with friends. Going to some great concerts. Having beers or dinner out. W is aggravated that I am spending a lot of time with one of her best friends who also happens to be a good friend of mine. He is one of a few of our friends that know my W and I are having troubles. We avoid all convo about W and I, so that he is not placed in the middle. but apparently, he has been inviting me out and brushing off my W's interests in going out on her nights. Oh well. I don't control his actions. W needs to understand that she does not control that as well.

Had a rough day yesterday. I actually broke down in tears a few times missing her. Once in church when I saw the pre-school class come back to their families during the service. All of the Moms and Dads welcoming their little ones. Just the thought that I may not be able to experience that with my W made me sad. Later in the day, I visited a friend who just had their baby. Walking around the same same hospital wing where my W and I had our S made me a little emotional.

Overall, I am keeping my head up and staying strong. There are still days that I struggle, though. I just need to remind myself that her anger is a good thing right now. It means that she cares.

stay strong...that's all I can say for now.

Rereading your thread here sparks14. One thing these boards have taught me I find helpful is to remember your WAW isn't in a good place and that makes her a liar. So, when she goes off and starts spewing garbage, just remember you can't believe ANYTHING she says, ever. Period. This one tip has helped me turn a bad sitch into an entertaining one. My WAW goes off about something and I just laugh in my head and say to myself, "liar!"

I dunno, but it helps me. It has really helped me with detachment. She can say whatever she wants, but she can no longer get to me. It is a place of peace and power I highly recommend for any LBS. It is actually making my DBing somewhat entertaining to me. Give it try.

Guys - I could give you a lot of feedback on this from the other side, but it seems a bit misplaced. maybe when you are farther along and working on reconciling, then I can give you some tips on what is wife rewriting past/justifying her actions and what things really hurt that guys do all the time. For now, it's not about the crap your wife put you through or the crap you put her through. It's not about dwelling on all the things you could have done differently. It's about figuring out who you are and who she is. About being the best version of yourself that you can, inspiring her to do the same, getting her to miss what you had, have hope for what could be.

We're solution oriented here. Take the feedback from the past and use it constructively or get it out of your head. Don't let it drag you down. Take what she says with a grain of salt. I started to type and was so fired up I got just thinking about the things H "did to me", the affair didn't even make the list. It was things like not buying flowers I like, handing me the baby and getting pissy if I pushed back (like, to take my shoes off and wash my hands when i walked in the door), wanting a medal for doing the laundry (but not giving me any warning, so half my stuff never made it in the wash) or dishes (but not realizing that I was cleaning every other room in the house on a regular basis)...yeah, cheating on me PERIOD, but especially while I was pregnant is on there...but there's a lot of goofy stuff that just wears on a girl.

I can really identify with WAWs. Men and women get in a bad cycle sometimes and it's just each partner getting a script into their head about not being appreciated and not feeling loved and valued. Women have too many roles as a mother/wife/employee/etc - it seems like wife usually gets the short end of the stick and the relationship goes south.

Just do the best you can, remember you're building your future. Talk to someone - for now here and a counselor, but later you need to open up to your wife or whatever women is in your life. Let each other in. That's the greatest gift you can give her, make her feel valued and treasured and safe. Women need to feel safe.