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Hey DG,
Don't read too much into the texts. Remember, you are working on yourself. You should want him, not need him. You should probably be careful about the follow-up texts.
I read something during the time we went to MC. There's a dynamic in relationship where one person has a fear of abandonment and the other has a fear of being consumed. When this dynamic gets out of balance, you start to have problems. It sounds like your H may have that fear of being consumed. Food for thought, for what it's worth.
I hope your lunch goes well today! I think it's a positive step! Just be patient and don't try to push too much.

I have a MAJOR fear of abandonment and I have had that for years.
That is the main reason I am in C.

I just have to do something different. I keep doing what I say I'm not going to do.

DG, I can resemble that remark about the fear of abandonment. And my WAW has a fear of being consumed.

I understand - it's very HARD to keep things in balance.

Well, H sent me a text saying he wasn't feeling well and could we please reschedule lunch?
He said he went to bed super early last night and that is why he stopped texting, and he was sorry if he worried me, and that he loved me.

When I got that I felt like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders, but then mad at myself for thinking "Oh good, he still loves me so now I'm ok."

I am way too codependent.

Sounds positive, DG. Just keep working on yourself! Don't beat yourself up, either! The more you focus on working on yourself, the less you will worry about what he is doing or not doing.

Journaling---------

I constantly wonder what he's doing or not doing.
I question if he's being honest, if he really does love me, if he really is being faithful.
All these "What If's" consume me!

I tell myself out loud "I can only control me" over and over again.
I honestly feel like I can't stop. No matter how many times I try.
I am self sabatoging myself, and that is what got me in this mess to begin with.
I pushed and pushed because I didn't have faith and I made my worst fear come true.

I have read the advice from wise DB's threads so many times I feel like I have them memorized.
Every time I read it I think "Yes! They are right! This is what I need to do!"

And then I don't.

I feel like someone who is struggling to lose weight. Eating a box of donuts and saying
"I'll start tomorrow."

My intentions are good, my emotions get the best of me.

He called me at work just to say hi, that's a good step right?

I was upbeat and friendly, but told him I had to go because I was super busy. (Lie)
He said "Ok.....I love you."
I said "Love you too" and hung up.

Why does this make me feel worse?

Journaling again-----

Last night I went over to a friends after work for dinner and had a good time.
The weather was beautiful and we got out for a walk and it felt so good for my soul.

We discussed my sitch a little bit, and I realize that I have to take back the power that I have given my H regarding my happiness.
I need to find that within myself, and not base it on the state of my marriage.

I was reading another thread on here and someone (can't remember who) said blunty
"Stop being so concerned about your W's life and focus on yours."
And you know what....he was right.

I am going to really, really try.

DG,

Just finished reading through your thread and wanted to share a couple of things that have been helping me deal with my insecurities.

The first thing is too be more aware of the words I am using. I'm very careful of using "universals" to describe things, especially the way that I define myself, other people, and the circumstances I am in:

Avoid saying things like:

I am "always" doing this.
I am feeling this "all" the time
It happens "everywhere."
"every" night
"every" day
with "every" one
I have "always" been.
He/She/It will "always" be.

Similarly, I don't like to limit things by saying things to myself like:

There is "no chance"
There is "no possibility"
I "can't do it"
I'm "not good enough."
It's "too hard".

Instead, I recognize remember that it is the words that I am using that are defining my experience. It is my words that is CREATING the meaning of the experience for me and there is always a choice about the meaning that I give to things.

Knowing this, instead of feeling like I am "in pain", I can consider that I am "doing" pain, and then I can ask myself what for?

Why would I just meanings that make me feel bad unless I feel like I deserve to be in pain?

I know it isn't always easy to rise above the drama, but every time I pause and take a breath to do do, I make myself feel better.

I remember I am confident and have control.

TRY to put your hand up.

Did you do it yes or no?

There is no try.

Either you do it or you don't.