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Hi angel
I love to read the testimonies of the m that have been restored. It brings me a lot of peace. I ordered some of Charlyne's tapes too, they are great.

Angel,

Great to hear that you are holding your head up high and the conference and being the best YOU you can be. That's all we can do. I'm sure your H noticed even if he may never say so. Best of luck and I look forward to hearing how everything went.

The weekend I had been dreading turned out not to be so bad after all!

For those who don't know, H and I, who are in the same field, attended a conference in OW's city. OW of course attended too, as she is also in the same field as we are (I guess at this stage you mostly meet people from work!)

The whole time we were there H seemed to be very careful to let me know where he was, with whom, and to almost emphasize that he was not with OW, except on Saturday that I knew he would see her at a party at her boss' (his former boss) house.

Friday he was in and out of meetings with his colleagues at work; including dinner (of which I was sure of coz we had drinks with them at the lobby before they left). Saturday AM he brought D to see her kindergarten BFF who lives there, in the afternoon he had a meeting. I saw OW on Saturday.... and I am happy to say that she did not look good at all that day! She was in a rumpled off white linen pantsuit .... and 4 inch heels she did not know how to walk in. I know, I am being nasty, but allow me the satisfaction every now and then....I was wearing a nice dress and 4inch wedges (cute ones!) as well .... showing off my legs, which of course I know look nice and slim .... and when we saw each other, I smiled at her and she smiled back.... then I saw her looking at my legs! Checking out the competition, huh? I half wished tha H would see her today, looking that way, as he absolutely hates rumpled linen suits! Thats why we both do not own any linen clothes! altho' with this MLC things he might just suddenly turn round and love the runpled look....whatever!

After the party, he took great pains to explain that he got lost on the way home, showed me his iPhone where he had the route he took outlined, and also he made us dress up to go have ice cream and walk around dowtown, as it was not too late yet. Next day, he brought us to lunch, then in the evening, when me and D were headed back home, he texted and called several times to let me know he was having dinner with mutual friends....OK, OK, not with OW! I did have a feeling tho' that he was supposed to attend a course with OW earlier in the afternoon, but that she did not show up. He seemd sad and tired when he got back to the hotel after the afternoon session, and he lay down and closed his eyes. I felt sad for him, so I came and massaged his brow lightly. He did not resist. I felt myself tearing up so I stood up and left.

This morning again he called to let me know he was on his way to a meeting with his boss!

For me though, the important thing is that I was not feeling the ups and downs of the sitch any more. Whether he saw or did not see OW seemed not to matter any more to me. I actually feel that his seeing OW would probably be a good thing, so that instead of having fantasies about her, putting her on a pedestal, thinking that she is perfect, he would see her and know her for what she is. And not be too emotional in his decisions. And based on some info I had from people from her home country, she is not really that good in her field, is actually not that well liked. My sense is that she is using my H, as right now she is calling him for help on her research project, and my H is really, really good and smart. He was the one who helped her get into this coveted post-doctoral training she now is on. She's really good at this acting helpless, like a princess...needing to be rescued. Hopefully my H will see this soon and start being out off by it. I have a feeling he will soon be.

My H and I - one of the things that brought us together was a mutual respect and admiration, and the fact that we were both good in our field of work. He also liked that fact that I was strong and independent.

So here I am, back at work. H is still there for one more night, I am just praying, and trusting God to take care of me and H and trusting H to make the right choices.

But I feel OK, not scared, not anxious at all. I think I am getting there.

Thanks everyone, you all have been instrumental in getting em to this happy place.

Sorry so much tyos - just doing this during lunch break at work!

H comes back today - and even if I do wonder if he was with OW during the two days I was back here, I don't really care. More of curiousity on my part. He did call last night to let me know he was dining with a male friend, and made it a point to converse with him during our conversation so I could hear his voice, then he decided to take an earlier flight home today. We talked for 15 mins while he was waiting for his flight - about work and the convention, but at least it was a healthy back and forth, which we really haven't done much of lately.

I know my being in a happy place, letting him be, is doing this all. My feeling is he is starting to feel comfortable with me. I should be very, very careful I think, as I feel we are coming into a delicate balance, where any misstep could send him running, could make bring back the tension. It does feel weird though, having this friendly atmosphere but not connecting deeper. Although I am content at present, I have a yearning for more meaningful convos. After we have been speaking for a few minutes, I am afraid to run out of friendly stuff and having an awkward, silent moment that I usually leave. Fits well into DB method....but perhaps this kind of interaction paves the way for deeper ones.

Well, since I am also in a stressful period at work, I will strive for equilibrium for thenext month or so at least. After that, we have a promising spring break vacaton trip planned with the family.... and that is something I am looking forward to! 10 days of loving grandparets, parents, cousins, unclues, aunts (H's side) ... trips to the beach, farm, parties ... oh heaven!

I passed through a down period yesterday. I haven't really cried much for the past couple oif weeks, yesterday I found myself with tears rolling down my face.

A friend of mine who is in a rough M advised me to try to live only for the day and not look to far into the future to avoid the down feeling. Its true, when I think of the future, instead of visions I used to have of dreams like owning a vineyard together, or traveling to places we have not been to, is replaced by a yawning black hole. Even when I am not thinking of it I feel it.

As a stander, I should be filling up my armamentarium of weapons to combat loneliness and sadness. (what is more horrible than feeling lonely even when your H is beside you? That is how I feel when I am with my checked out H).

On impulse, I called H yesterday and caught him just as he was deplaning - so he sounded a little irritable. When he called me back in the evening, he asked why I called him, and all I said was "oh, I was bored and felt like talking to you...." cause I am tired of having to explain why I needed to call. Don't know how that came across, but I am finally (I think) starting to let go of doing things /not doing things because I am scared/worried what his reaction would be.

Hopefully my DB'ing for a long time now has taken hold and my chnages are more permanent. I need some time to sit down with myself though to evaluate my changes - Until I see them listed down and enumerated I think I won't be convinced that they are real.

I reread my post and realize that I may seem pursuing with the fact that I called H....

I usually don't unless I need to, and usually its of the "do Ihave to pick up D or will you?" or have you fed the dog, do I need to? altho usually he calls me first when it comes to chores as he loves to assign everyone (control freak thingie) their daily chores.

Yesterday it was something about the dog that I texted him but he didn't reply to. In the end I told him I just decided for it and even if he got a little miffed how could he complain? He did not advise me. Sometimes with this MLC'ers its dam*d if u do,dam*d if u don't. LOL. So whatever!

Anyways, gotta work now. Had my daily fix and am ready to face the world.

How ya doin' Angel?
Been thinking about you.
Hang in there.
Pic.

Help. I don't know what to do.

I just found out today my daughter has cut herself. I have told H about it, but only briefly. So when H was asleep, I had a conversation with my D. Afterwards, I decided to write a letter to H. Please let me know if this is something I should send him. Here it is:

Dear H:

This is the blade your precious daughter used to cut herself.

At 12 years of age, she has to cut herself because it is a pain that she can inflict on herself and control.

She has wanted to do this for sometime, she said, maybe for a couple of months now, and was able to do so on Monday when I went to gym and left her alone.

Because her present life is so full of pain and hurt that she could not control. Inflicted on her by people she loves and trusted. She has lost her trust.

I asked her when this pain and hurt started. She said sometime after summer. I felt my stomach flip, because of the timeline. Was it Daddy? “Yes. You know why. I trusted him more than anyone, more than you, Mom. Then now I can no longer trust him. And you too because I know you are hurting from him as well and it hurts me to see you hurt.”

“Then my friends ….. They are giving me problems as well. Now nothing seems to be going right. I thought I could trust them too, but they hurt me too”

I asked her if her past life was happy, if she always thought this way.

“Before summer I was too young, and did not think this way. My life was not perfect but I remember it as happy. There were a lot of moments of joy. And I am glad that it is that way, but that is past now and I live in the present. And the present is full of pain. I just don’t show it because that is how I am. I go on each day but no one knows what is inside me. I don’t understand myself, but I do not trust anyone and don’t know how I could.”

I told her that we are all human, that we make mistakes but do not mean to hurt. That you and I, we love her so much, and only want the best for her. She understands, knows that we love her, and she loves us too, but that is not the issue.

Boy, am I glad that I talked to you about making sure that the present does not tarnish our past life. If you took away her happy childhood, what will she have left?

Life as she knows it is no longer what it was. She does not know what the future holds. I told her we will never leave her alone, that we will always take care of her, want the best for her. She only nodded.

She talked to me about therapy.

“I don’t like therapy, it is only for people who want to talk. It gives comfort, but it does not remove the pain. “

Distractions, such as shopping?

“They are just that -distractions. Temporary, then the pain is still there when you come back to reality”

If our family returns to normal, will you feel better? “Yes, but life will never go back to the same way it was. Now it will be different. And the trust – it will take time.”

H, your child got yanked from childhood to a sudden, painful adulthood. At a tender age, looking for love and security, she suddenly was faced with turmoil from the parents she leaned on, her source of life and being.

She told me once before “When I had issues when I was little, Dad was the one who saved me. It was not the therapist. But now, Dad is messing me up, and also you”

H, this is what you are doing to the family who loves you so much.

13 years ago, you chose us. When you chose me, you also chose her too, when we decided to have a child. We have always known she was a smart and special child – sensitive, seeking perfection, but intense in her love and need for us.

Now, you are re-evaluating those choices. You are on the verge of choosing to follow your own desires, your freedom. You yourself have said that you want your freedom so you could pursue the other woman, find out for yourself if that relationship will prosper or not. You felt something new, exciting, find yourself wanting to look attractive, wondering if you still have it. You already chose to pursue that feeling, thinking that you might regret it someday if you never pursued it, wondering if the “movie” love was within your grasp. Letting us know, in many words and actions, of “our place in your list”, that we no longer are number 1 for you.

As I have said before, choices have consequences. We teach that to our children, from an early age. Oftentimes, our choices are easy ones. But as we grow older, there are times we are faced with hard ones. Sometimes, our choices mean we have to sacrifice for a better outcome for ourselves or for our loved ones.

This blade you see is only the tip of the iceberg. If at 12 years of age, she can deliberately choose to cut her arm with a blade, give herself a 1 inch wound, and clean it with alcohol and hydrogen peroxide to make it more painful, what more if the pain is relentless? Or too much to bear? Do you want to wait and see more? A bigger blade perhaps?

Angel,

Please don't give your H this letter until some of the vets have weighed in on it. My gut tells me that you could be making a bad situation worse.

From what I know about cutting, people who do this are seeking to relieve the pressure caused by the pain that has built up. Please educate yourself in the best way to help your D deal with this sitch.

Do you know if any of her friends use this method of trying to deal with stress?