Guys, I feel like I'm going at a million miles an hour here. She's become this beast now. I can't even talk to her without her going insane on me. I'm remaining calm but there are certain things I need from her or her to do. I don't know what is up with my car insurance since the accident. I have no idea where things are in this town - a town she grew up in and has my kids.
She's pressuring me to sign papers - papers she doesn't even have! She said this morning, if you said you don't love me, why are you prolonging this?
When she first dropped this major bomb the other day, I was lashing out. I said I haven't loved her either. I was truly hurting and said a lot of things I wish I didn't but I was way too emotional. I thought I was fighting for my life.
Now that I've calmed down a bit (not much) I can think a little more clearly. EVERYONE is saying let her go but I just can't. I can't for my family alone. I feel we can work through it but want to for the family.
She's just become so unreasonable its crazy. I'm now getting blamed for things my kids say. They say things to me like, why is it only 1 of us 4 want a divorce? I reply, it only takes one adult to want this. That's it! My child says that to W and she blames ME for it! I really don't know what to do - not talk to my kids?!
My oldest said she wants to stay with me. I'm the better parent. I'm around more. What the hell do I say to that? If that gets back to W I KNOW she'll blame me and that can hurt the proceedings for sure. She thinks she's this wonderful mother when in essence she's not AND she's only going to get worse. She feels she has to sow her oats (a thought that makes me want to throw up) - so how can she raise 2 kids?
you ask what I've done for myself? I don't have time for myself. I have work I have to do and am doing it slowly. This is way to all-consuming for me...
m 40 w 38 married 15 together 18 d11, d8 bomb 12/19/10 2nd bomb 3/30/11 COMPLETELY DONE
I know how all consuming this is. Everyone here does. You said it yourself:
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I feel like I'm going at a million miles an hour here.
Can you really think when you're like this? I couldn't. At first I would have to wear myself out physically just to slow it down for a few seconds!
Have you talked with a lawyer?
When I say do something for you, I do not mean going out to party or date. I mean something that will benefit you and your kids. That could be as simple as a walk to clear your head. Ok, you won't clear it much or for long right now. It's always one foot in front of the other.
Don't stop talking to your kids. Don't blame her when you do. That they take what you say back to her and possibly twist it around (or she does that herself), is really common.
If she calls you on it, you will need to work towards telling her that your kids ask you questions and as their Dad, you are going to answer them in an honest (keep in mind all truths do not need to be spoken) age appropriate way. It will be harder than anything to keep your emotions in check right now. Do it anyway.
I have talked to a lawyer and she's saying its a classic case of MLC with an affair. She's telling me also to not engage her and do things on my own. It's so hard bc I'm still 1, getting over the sting and 2, dealing with this new life.
I'm definitely sticking around these boards bc I need as much help as I can get.
m 40 w 38 married 15 together 18 d11, d8 bomb 12/19/10 2nd bomb 3/30/11 COMPLETELY DONE
Guys, I feel like I'm going at a million miles an hour here. She's become this beast now. I can't even talk to her without her going insane on me. I'm remaining calm but there are certain things I need from her or her to do. I don't know what is up with my car insurance since the accident. I have no idea where things are in this town - a town she grew up in and has my kids.
Find them...Google, Blackberry, Blind Rickshaw tour guide of the city....
Originally Posted By: Bolt
She's pressuring me to sign papers - papers she doesn't even have! She said this morning, if you said you don't love me, why are you prolonging this?
Maybe....
I have a lot of adjusting to do, and I am not in a frame of mind to deal with everything that has come at me right now. I will not discuss anything other than what I feel I can discuss right now. And it is not okay to pressure me into a decision I am not ready to make.
Originally Posted By: Bolt
When she first dropped this major bomb the other day, I was lashing out. I said I haven't loved her either. I was truly hurting and said a lot of things I wish I didn't but I was way too emotional. I thought I was fighting for my life.
Now that I've calmed down a bit (not much) I can think a little more clearly. EVERYONE is saying let her go but I just can't. I can't for my family alone. I feel we can work through it but want to for the family.
You said what you wanted, they were just words...don't let your actions cash that check.....
Originally Posted By: Bolt
She's just become so unreasonable its crazy. I'm now getting blamed for things my kids say. They say things to me like, why is it only 1 of us 4 want a divorce? I reply, it only takes one adult to want this. That's it! My child says that to W and she blames ME for it! I really don't know what to do - not talk to my kids?!
My oldest said she wants to stay with me. I'm the better parent. I'm around more. What the hell do I say to that? If that gets back to W I KNOW she'll blame me and that can hurt the proceedings for sure. She thinks she's this wonderful mother when in essence she's not AND she's only going to get worse. She feels she has to sow her oats (a thought that makes me want to throw up) - so how can she raise 2 kids?
Kids speak their truth very easily. They come from a place where their heads and their hearts are completely reconciled. Do not get drawn into talks regarding what they did or did not say. Stay focused on what they hear from YOU, and you alone.
Do NOT have any talks regarding your personal relationships with your children unless their health (life or death) is at hand .
Your relationship with them is yours, and yours alone right now. Her relationship with them ,is hers to forge with , including consequences down the road. Most of her spew right now is because
1-She knows what she is doing is hurting them 2-She knows there will be ramifications down the road 3-She knows you are a better parent right now 4-She feels that if she hurts you enough through them, you will do whatever you can ,to run from her....relieving all of her guilt from her actions.... 5-If she can manipulate you into being that person she accuses you of long enough, then she gets to be the victim.
Originally Posted By: Bolt
you ask what I've done for myself? I don't have time for myself. I have work I have to do and am doing it slowly. This is way to all-consuming for me...
Your answer should include, getting situated, getting yourself emotionally healthy, being the best Parent for your kiddos, and reading the dam resources.....
Mind you Bolt, all of the things above, she isn't doing those things TO you.....she is doing them FOR her...
She ( in her mind) feels that this is the only way to fill a void in her lifetime. Something that has been missing for years, inside of her.
Like we talked about, You have to own your role in the breakdown, but IF this is MLC....
It was gonna happen....
How you deal with it becomes the focus throughout...
at what point do you get to not caring anymore? I still feel like I can salvage something...but I do feel it's over. It just all seems like a nightmare that I can't wake from. Like if I had only done something different in the past...been a better partner...listened more...done things different.
That's eating me alive right now. Not so much for my relationship but for my family.
My oldest is taking this extremely hard. She's been calling me saying she wants to live with me and that she doesn't relate to "these people" meaning her mom and grandma...I'm at a total loss.
I'm seriously thinking of taking them back to CA with me and filing there. I'm trying to think what's best for them and am very unsure...
m 40 w 38 married 15 together 18 d11, d8 bomb 12/19/10 2nd bomb 3/30/11 COMPLETELY DONE
Like if I had only done something different in the past...been a better partner...listened more...done things different.
What's if's and woulda, coulda, shoulda, will make you nuts.
When you take a good hard look at yourself, do you like the man you see? Why or why not? Are there things about you that you want to change? The change has to be for you, because you aren't who you choose to be. If it isn't, it won't work and isn't worth your energy.
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I'm seriously thinking of taking them back to CA with me and filing there. I'm trying to think what's best for them and am very unsure...
Why would taking them back be best? You sound like you're really trying to think this through. If you're not sure, wait until you are. Are the advantages for you or for them?
I found that listing the pros and cons was helpful for me. At one point I was considering moving with D's. In my case, it wouldn't have been best and I would have been running away. Of course, I could rationalize that I wasn't. It took some time (and good feedback) to think it through.
