Last night H called to talk to the kids and then asked to speak to me. He said his mom and sister told him I wanted to talk (which is incorrect- I told them HE isn't talking to ME)so he suggested we talk tonight when I get home from work. He said his mom will come over to play with the kids so we can have some privacy. I asked if he had anything to say, and at first he said "I don't know." I said if he didn't there wasn't any point in talking and he then said he did have things to say. I am so nervous about where this conversation will go.
Me- 35 H- 36 M- 7 T- 9 D3, D5 Bomb 1/21/11 EA/PA began 12/10? Discovered A 3/2/11 S- 3/3/11 OW gone- 4/27/11 H says he wants to reconcile, but lacking action
Try to say as little as possible just listen ,,validate if possible or reflect back what he says so you get it clear there will be time for you to talk another time If its more of the same, there is nothing for you to say If its different, you can take some time to absorb it and get back to him try to have NO expectations Peace
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
Peace, thanks for asking. The talk did not go well. I don't even know where to begin. He said something about how we got here and I asked how is that? He kept saying "you know, you know" and then finally told me (for the first time) that I rejected him physically, emotionally and every time he wanted to go on a "guys weekend" it was a fight. I don't feel I ever rejected him emotionally, if anything it was the reverse, but he's right about the sexually. It began when our first D was born, and she was colicky, extremely needy, didn't sleep unless someone was holding her, and I was beyond exhausted and got little help or support from H. I begged him to help and support me, but he always looked out for himself first. So yes, I resented it and plus I was so tired all the time and just "touched out" from holding a baby all the time. D didn't start sleeping through the night for over a year and the I got pregnant with D2, and the exhaustion started all over again. When he would complain about not getting enough sex, I would let him know that if he would help me more I would have more energy for him, but he didn't make any effort. I'm not saying we never had sex during all this time, but it was sporadic. Shortly after the Bomb was dropped I apologized for him feeling rejected, because I knew he did, not because he told me so, and he said he didn't feel personally rejected, he felt there was something wrong with me.
Anyway, back to our convo, so now he changes his tune and I've hurt him so badly by rejecting him and he feels the R is done. I brought up divorce, and he said he doesn't want to do that yet because it's "scary." Earlier in the convo I asked what this separation means in terms of certain things, one of them being if we're free to date other people. He said no. He still wears his wedding ring. He has given absolutely no thought to the specifics of divorce. He swears he is not talking to OW anymore. He is in IC weekly and they talk about us, the kids, and his childhood issues with his dad/parents. He sees no correlation between our situation and his personal issues. He denies MLC because that would mean this is all his fault. He says I've never really "gotten" him. I'm sure there's a ton I'm forgetting but I've got to get the kids to preschool right now.
Me- 35 H- 36 M- 7 T- 9 D3, D5 Bomb 1/21/11 EA/PA began 12/10? Discovered A 3/2/11 S- 3/3/11 OW gone- 4/27/11 H says he wants to reconcile, but lacking action
So my question is, is there any hope after "we're done"??? And why doesn't he want to proceed with D if he knows he's done? And why does he wear his ring still? And why shouldn't we be free to date others? And why does he say I've never "gotten" him for the first time after being together for almost 9 years? And why does he say he doesn't dislike me, he still loves me, he still cares about me? I don't get it.
Me- 35 H- 36 M- 7 T- 9 D3, D5 Bomb 1/21/11 EA/PA began 12/10? Discovered A 3/2/11 S- 3/3/11 OW gone- 4/27/11 H says he wants to reconcile, but lacking action
Peace, I see it was about 2 years for you between IDLYA and D. I went back and read some of your early posts, but there are a lot! Can you sum up why your process was so long, only to end in D? I hope I didn't cause you pain by asking you that.
Me- 35 H- 36 M- 7 T- 9 D3, D5 Bomb 1/21/11 EA/PA began 12/10? Discovered A 3/2/11 S- 3/3/11 OW gone- 4/27/11 H says he wants to reconcile, but lacking action
MLC is a real thing-It is a crises caused by some unresolved childhood issues-It has nothing to do with the spouse yes, we all did things in our M..and we can evaluate our mistakes , so to learn from them.
At first it is hard to understand why our H seem so different Many lie, many mclcers spend when once they were so careful with money Many become different parents after they seem so devoted, many cheat when once they were so loyal Some of the books are helpful by Jim Conway We may never understand the whys of it I belive your H is confused as many a MLC yes he still loves you, he is unhappy in himself The MLC is usually afraid of D I think because they are unsure and D is so final Many a MLCer would like to keep the LBS hanging, waiting just in case his plans fold It is excellent that he is in IC..That is the only place he can figure it out
Some things that helped me early in this: AS hard as it is-- For H be friendly and cordial toward him thank him for simple things validate him No nagging, no complaining, no fighting about what he feels or says, no snooping let him go--
For YOu: Watch your finances. seperate accounts and credit cards get your name off his credit cards do it discreetly and lovingly not to point blame or start a fight..just take care of yourself because many a MLCEr will go in debt--this is true and I experienced it first hand but I did not lose anything financially XH lost everything including a thriving business Continue IC Get sleep, find supportive women many women of all ages can relate to this and can be supportive Exercise eat healthier rest..learn to meditate or relax pray and journel spend a little fun time with a girl friend Kids: Spend some quality time as you do with them love them..listen to them tell them it is not their fault everyone loves them and you are here for them everyday will get better the pain will stop you will be internally guided with the help of the therapist trust the process we have all done it Peace
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
You ask, "Is there hope after you are done?" I believe that is up to you. As I had it explained to me, if you turn and walk down the hall, but do not slam the door behind you, leaving it open just a bit, there is always the chance your H will open the door and follow you at some point. IF that is what you want. Only YOU can decide when it is time to shut that door for good and all.
He may open the door and you may find you no longer care. He may never open the door at all.
It's not that you've never gotten him, it's that he doesn't get himself at the moment, and he is thrashing about looking for someone who can explain him to him. That is usually not us, the spouses, because we are too close. When you can't give them the answer, they may become angry and make you the focal point of their anger, BECAUSE you are too close to the situation.
Keep reading the DB fundamentals. Try to keep your calm. It's a hard job, but one of you has to do it, and I believe it's always the LBS if anyone does.
And you are right, Meganna, it is Purgatory, or as realistic a facsimilie as I ever want to be in.
Hold tight, keep coming here to rant and let off steam, or to celebrate your small victories. Helping each other is about all we can do at the moment, other than work on ourselves.
Thanks Punkin and Peace for sharing your wisdom with me.
I feel like him saying we're done is so final. I just don't know where to go from here. I was hoping he'd say he needs to work on himself for longer, I don't even mind being separated at this point, it is actually better for me, but I hate that it's hurting the kids.
What should I do? Should I suggest, for example, that we stay separated for 6 months?, 12 months?, and see what happens? A big problem with that is that the kids and I would be relying on him to financially support us during that time, and H's friend would have to let him keep living there because there's no way we can afford 2 homes. He's never even asked his friend how long he can stay or if he wants any payment for living there. I do not want to proceed with D now, because I see how messed up in the head he is and I still have a little hope that IC will help him come around. I just don't know how to make that happen. We are supposed to talk when I get home from work tonight, which is in about a half an hour, so super fast advice would be great!
Me- 35 H- 36 M- 7 T- 9 D3, D5 Bomb 1/21/11 EA/PA began 12/10? Discovered A 3/2/11 S- 3/3/11 OW gone- 4/27/11 H says he wants to reconcile, but lacking action
Let him lead the conversation and do the talking. Let the decisions be his. You can say, "I hear that you want to.......... That is not my preferred option but I will not stand in your way." Let him be the master of his destiny.
