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BITS,
So many of you replied to my post last night that it would be impossible for me to thank each of you individually. So, from the bottom of my heart, I want to say "Thanks" and I am so glad that you are here.

I want each of you to know that my post last night was not as dark as it seemed. It truly was nothing more than what is going through my head right now. I am sorry if it made any of you worry too much about old FOBD.

Honestly team, I don't know if I should be worried or happy these days. A very strange calm seems to have come over me and I don't know if it is because I am more detached now than I have ever been or if I may have, at this point, finally just given up. I really, really don't know. I guess the answer will come to me over the next few days or weeks.

There is still love in my heart for my wife. Very deep and passionate love like I have never held in my heart for anyone else. She was the one I wanted to die in the arms of someday. But, she doesn't love me and that can no longer be denied or ignored. She is where she is and there is nothing I can do about it. More importantly, I have to remind myself each day that I am the one that put her there. Sometimes in life the toughest prisons are the one we build brick by brick for ourselves. What a mess we can create when we don't try to do the right things...

Tomorrow would have been my 10th anniversary. I will do my best to treat it just like the other 51 Thursdays that will go on in 2011. I will get up, go to work, do my job to the best of my ability, and return home to feed and take care of myself. I will come here, check on my buddies, assess the days musings and go off to bed. And, I will repeat this over and over until my W decides that a life with me is worth having or until I decide I am done and ready to move on. I am not a religious man, I must confess to all. I haven't stepped foot in a church in years. But, there is a part of me that does believe in a higher power. And, I guess for now, he has other plans for me.

Wife, I do still love you. I do still want to spend the rest of my life with you. I can still smell your hair, feel the touch of your skin, taste your kiss on my lips whenever I close my eyes and imagine those things. But, for right now, we cannot, for whatever reason, be together. I will no longer rely on hope to fix what is broken. It will take hard work, dedication and love. I am prepared to offer all those things. If you do not want that from me, I will wish you the best and send you off. Maybe, some day, we might just find each other again. I love you!

Rest easy tonight, BITS. Tomorrow is just another day...

FOBD

IM a little late on the response but your post touche me FOBD.

So sorry you are hurting like this. IF she only knew who you now are , she would be a fool not to try again.

Love supertramp as well and Christmas story IS one of OUR favourite movies.

I feel like crying.

Hang it there dude, IT WILL GET BETTER. It has to.

9

FOBD,

Don't give up. You've made it this far, keep going. You love her, don't forget that. As for your anniversary, why can't you celebrate the 9+ years you had with her. Take your sons out to dinner. Enjoy the day. Just because she isn't there right now doesn't mean today can't be about remembering the good times you had. Each day is what we make of it. Choose to be positive and happy.

I am a religious man. I am available at all time to talk about it with you. I have been praying for you for a few days now.

BITS,
Well, the sun came up this morning and I am pretty sure it will again tomorrow morning. Just a little more proof for me to use on myself that life will go on with or without my wife. It's kind of funny now. I can vividly remember just a few months ago when she first left. Numerous people kept telling me that life would go on. I would just sit there in silence as they tried to console me. But, inside my own head, I was screaming at the top of my lungs, "ARE YOU INSANE? HOW COULD LIFE POSSIBLY GO ON AFTER THIS??? YOU ARE AN IDIOT. YOU KNOW NOTHING ABOUT ME AND HOW MUCH I AM HURTING!!! JUST SHUT UP!"... But, they were right.

Life did go on, just as it did today. The oceans didn't rise, the stars didn't fall from the sky, the mountains did not crumble to the sea. Nope, none of that. I got up, I went to work, I came home and now I am here. And all of this happened without incident even though today would have been my 10th wedding anniversary. Apparently, the cosmos, the heavens, the earth and everything else that weaves the fabric of our existence really didn't feel like shutting down today just because FOBD was about to have to suffer a crappy day. Huh, what do you know? Today was difficult at times, I won't lie. The radio was my biggest enemy for much of the day. But, I am happy to say I got through it alive. Another day down, ? more to go.

The whole situation is still the "pits" in many ways. I spent quite a bit of time today wondering where I might be tonight instead of sitting in my house alone. I had a pretty good year at work last year and would have had some nice change to spend on an anniversary trip this year. I could be on a beach, on a boat, in another country or just blowing a wad on a super nice dinner for two. But, instead, I am here. And, it is moments like this that I will need to remember each and every day when I am again happily married to whomever it might be. I need to make sure that the next time I want to act like a jerk to my spouse, I will simply close my eyes and remember where I was the evening of March 24, 2011. I was sitting alone, in my 1/2 furnished house, banging away on a computer. If that doesn't motivate me to be a better person and a better spouse, I might as well just become a priest and live the rest of my life in celibacy!!!

I have no idea where my wife is tonight. We had no real contact today. I guess she could be sitting in her little apartment crying her eyes out. She could be out on the town getting drunk as h*ll trying to wash FOBD away. Or, she could be doing none of the above and could possibly not give a flying crap about what today is. Who knows? Other than her, no one. But, wherever she is, I do wish her the best. I really, honestly do. I hope, as always, that she is safe, warm and has peace of mind... even if that means that she just might be over me.

I love you, sweetheart. I am sorry that I was too stupid and too caught up in myself to realize that you weren't getting the love and attention you deserved from your husband. I can only say one thing that I believe will truly matter to you right now. If I ever get a chance to show you the husband I can be, you will not be disappointed. I promise. With a ton of time, patience and love, here's wishing that we celebrate our 11th anniversary the way this one should have been celebrated... together. Sleep tight, better days are ahead for you and me.

Take care, BITS!

FOBD

Faith is the song the songbird sings
in the dark,
before the coming of the dawn.

IDK where that came from...

But I have always remembered it.

FORB, buddy, I commend you. You have really grown a lot through this whole process. Treat yourself, brother. Do something good for yourself. You deserve it. Perhaps next month, you can go sleep in a hammock on the beach for no other reason than you want to. Add in a couple drinks with umbrellas in them, a band playing on steel drums, and girls in bikinis in the sun (lot's o' girls in bikinis). Sounds nice to me. I'll come meet you.

I dunno, but maybe it's time to put this behind you - for you to grab life by the horns and start living it for yourself. What do you think? Like the movie Shawshank Redemption, "Get busy livin' or get busy dyin'." I hate seeing you beat yourself up over something you can't control, but I certainly do understand. All BITS have to sort through their demons their own way. At least we can come here, dump on each other, and get some badly needed camaraderie from other BITS who are going through the same thing.

Keep up the good fight, FOBD. It will be worth it in the end. Just don't let it control who you are or who you become.

Peace, brother.

Thanks, True. Short but meaningful.

FOBD

Hey FOBD,

August 26, 2010.

That was my 10 year wedding anniversary, and I spent it sitting at my mother's kitchen table with a laptop and a case of beer. Sounds sad doesn't it?

I was actually chatting with many of these people here from the boards, these people that helped me save myself. I laughed so hard I cried, and then I cried for real too. But not much. It was 7 mos post bomb, 3 mos post separation ... but only 5 days before I was to reclaim my home, my routine, my life.

It could have been a very dark day. But I realized what you so completely describe above ... life does on. And then, over the next several months, I took it a step further ... life doesn't just have to go on ... I wanted to more than survive, I wanted to thrive. For me.

You are well on your path ...
Keep on truckin', cause, well ... as you know ... life does go on

Peace
PEI

One thing for sure, The logical song will never have a place here with alot of these WAS's cause they are anything but.

Sour grapes by

9

Crime of the Century,Maybe,

Dreamer, possibly

Bloody well right, they think they are.

Even in the quietest moments, lots of those

Sorry ,silly hijack of the thread.

9