Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Not so new miserable person II

It's funny how things work. Here you are dreading signing the D papers, but with the hope that you'll experience a bounce from your wife. A realisation of how much she has lost.

Here I am thinking I need to begin the paperwork on a divorce because I am feeling/realising I have nothing left to lose, and my own freedom to gain.

I feel for you Scylla. It's hard to know when it's time to let go. I had some thoughts yesterday about being emotionaly ready for us to never work out. While I don't like the thought and will not live that "as if", I do have to prepare myself if that comes.

I really do hope your H realizes that he needs to help himself so that you can be a family again.

I don't know that it will ever happen Brian. He thinks he's okay and I'm the one with issues. I'm good enough to be his kids' mother, but not near good enough as a wife and partner.

I have not interfered in his life since January/February 2010. For the first 4 months I did talk about our R and did everything wrong in regard to my H. until I found and applied DB and read DR. I don't ask him about his life, I don't engage him unless it's about the kids or he asks questions (or per DB counselor's instructions), I don't snoop or play FB games.

I don't ask H. about his life, I don't engage him unless it's about the kids. I've pretty much been living the life of a single mother since then.
H.'s leaving has changed my home life/responsibilites a little. Now I've chosen to take on the responsibility of financially supporting myself and the kids is all.

Well you can read about our interactions. For the most part, they're superficial.

H. has revealed more to my sister and one of my best friends than he's ever revealed to me. My best friend has told me something to the effect that it's all over, forget him, find someone that will treat me the way I deserve to be treated and that I need a big man,with a big heart.

After this length of time apart, the uncertainty is hard on my kids,and it is leaving me feeling like I'm chained to corpse.

Sorry for the hijack.

Not a problem Scylla...I'll listen to you or anyone talk about their sitch on any thread. We all need to stick together to help each other through. I'm here for you though.

I guess she is doing well...This will be the third consecutive day of no contact. Guess I will go home, feed the dogs, make some dinner, then do some Power 90.

Called to make an appointment with a C today. He hasn't called me back either. I really don't know what to do when I see him. Do I concentrate on my STBXW or the many problems that I've got in my head? Well, he just called. Tomorrow at 10AM.

Well...on myway home, I was talking with God...just saying how I miss contact with my W and that I really don't now what to do. So what does he do for me, my phone rings. It's her. She called to say her D had a dead battery and that her dad was going to jump her car off. She wanted to know if she could use the credit card(I let her keep one of the cards and I pay it) to pay for a new battery. Of course I said yes. She then asked if she was still coming on Saturday. I asked her what time and she told me. I guess I get to see her after all!! Not expecting anything...just to see her face up close is what I am looking forward to. TO smell that familiar smell, maybe even hear her laugh. There I go again...

Is that a good thing for you right now Brian? Sounds like torture to me. You can see all those things and smell all those things and then take 3 steps backward into the torture chamber.

I dont think this is helping you detach. Especially the way you are describing it. Its up to you man and how much you can endure.

I dont want to see my wife right now. I am missing her like crazy but why would I want to subject myself from that?

As I said, its up to you Brian.

9

I hear ya 9...Even though my W has said a few different reasons for coming over, I know it's because she misses me and wants to see me. It's been 2.5 weeks since we have seen each other face to face. It will give me a chance to show the new me. Even if it's only for 20 minutes...Afterwards, I will make sure I am busy. I do have plans for that night so I will concentrate on that. But yes, I WANT to see my W. The pain is worth it.

It will also be the day after I sign the papers. I think it's a good time to see each other with the finality of it all sinking in.

Brian

My first post to you so hope I have the sitch right.



How do you feel when you say this to her?

What do you expect to happen?

Has this been a pattern in your M?

Your W and/or her D have drama and Brian is there to save them?

Talk to me Goose.

Is that the measure of your worth to them?

Think about what I am saying before you answer.

Really think.

This is tough sh!t man cause you're gonna have to look at yourself in the mirror before this is going to change.

Change for YOU.

Actually, in our M, I was never there emotionally. I was sitting there, in that dang lazy boy. I really never got involved with the lives of the people around me. So one of my changes is I want to be more engaging to everyone I meet. Especially my family and the ones I love. That is one of my perm 180's.

When I said that to her, I meant it. What I expect to happen is to follow through with this and help her D with her life. If my W chooses to see that this is totally different from when we were together, then great. If not, her loss.

The reason I am changing is because I hate the little boy I was. I wasn't even a man. I was disrespectfull, selfish, childish,lazy, stubborn, rude, crude, hurtfull, arogant, did I mention lazy? It had to be my way in everything. IF I didnt get my way, I'd throw a tantrum. I was always right (even when I was wrong). I never want to be any of those again. I can not be happy living like that (alone or with anyone else). This change is for me and me alone. Now, I would love my W to see this change and want to be a part of it. Problem is, everytime I would make changes in the past, I would backtrack and go back to the way I was. I wasn't commited to it and was just doing it because she told me too or to end conflict for a while. So she is afraid that this change won't stick.

She has told her friends the same thing. She told them that she is afraid if she stays in the marriage, she will end up staying for a few more years (thinking that I would revert and she would be miserable again). I understand why she feels this. That is why I am willing to give her this D and work on being friends again. Then when she is around me, she can see that the change is sticking and I am a new person. It will be up to her to allow herself to love me again. I can't control that.