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Bolt...I am so sorry this has happened. I understand how angry you are right now, but I have to agree with JS...you owe it to yourself and your children to keep up your DB'ing efforts. Now is the time to "drop the rope", as we like to say. Of course, it is ultimately your decision...

Things can still turn around. Read through my sitch from the beginning. My W was 2000 miles away with our kids. She told me she was done more than once and I'm pretty sure she had no intention of coming back.

Bolt, sorry to hear about this. I agree with the other two - you do owe it to yourself and your kids to keep DB'ing. I think I've learned that DB'ing is more about permanent changes and a way of life than it is to get your W back. I can completely understand being angry with your W and not loving her right now. However, it may help to take a step back and really see where you're at.

Bolt...man.

This is hitting me pretty hard dude. I was thinking about your all night. I feel for you man, I really, really do. I felt like we were both on the same path for a long time and we had lot to go through together. In many ways you inspired me, yet I was able to have a real discussion with you about things in our situations.

Pardon my french, but your W is a coward for doing this to you in this way. Did she really thing "faking it" would soften the blow? She is also setting a horrible example for your daughters. I hope you can show the the better way as their dad.

You might want to consider some family counseling for your Ds. As much as it pains me to say, you also have to find a way to work with your W. Maybe not now, but in the long run...for your kids.

I hope you find peace in your decisions, thoughts and feelings. I know it will be tough, but you control the whole ship now. Good luck.

Phew ..... ditto what Harrier says.

I can't imagine the betrayal you feel right now, Brolt. I'm so sorry.

I can't take that pain away from you .. but I am here with you to help you get thru this.

Bolt,

I just picked up your thread. Amazing story. I'm happy to see you have an eye on your future. As long as you find happiness in yourself, you'll be just fine.

I'm so glad you've posted here. It reminds me that it is easy to get all wrapped up in DBing and going for the prize, when the reality is our WAWs aren't playing by a normal set of rules and will find ways to blind side us if given half a chance. Caution must be exercised at all times. You just never know.

I guess part of the challenge is learning to live with and manage that risk.

Hoping for the best for you and your family.

Bolt,
Well, what could I possibly say other than I do agree with Harrier. Your w is a coward and what she did is unfathomable. To play a person to those lengths is absolutely unbelievable. But, to do it to your husband is just leaves me without words. I know your mind is probably filled with thoughts of revenge and anger. Take some time to process that. Anger will be part of this for right now. Don't deny yourself that anger. If you don't feel it and let it run it's course, it will stay with you longer than necessary. Just be sure to deal with it here. Never in front of your w or children. I know that you already know that, but sometimes it just helps to have someone kindly remind you. Just some words of wisdom from a friend.

Yes, be there for your children and avoid your w for a spell. She reminds me quite a bit of my w right now. She seems to be using her anger for one of two reasons. She either feels the need to punish you for some reason or she is staying angry so that she won't have time to process what she is doing. Either way, you can't defeat this and it will only make you feel worse if you try to combat it. Just get out of there for now. Take some time for yourself so that you can gain a better understanding of what is going on and how to proceed. You are capable of dealing with this. You and I both know it. You just took a shot to the face. You are stumbling a bit. Your knees are buckling, BUT YOU ARE STILL STANDING. Take a breath, go to your corner, think this out and come out swinging. You are BOLT!!!

FOBD

I guess this is really where my confusion lies.
What is there to "DIVORCE BUST"? I mean, I know it will be to help me but I've always had in the back of my mind that it will save my M and that's the true reason I was doing it.

I know that sounds bad but that's how I think. I feel I've lost and there's no way coming back? I mean, NAVY, did your wife file? Mine didn't even do that! She wants a dissolution - that's even faster! If she would file, we would have 6 months of dbing...but now I have less than 40 days.

I just don't see the point at this point.

Bolt
I had the same confusion, about DBing about Standing for my M.
Ultimately it comes down to unconditional love, something we all want.
My H. may in the end decide to divorce me. All indications are that is the way he's going to go.
I don't want what we had back either, neither of our needs was being met.
Nonetheless I wish the best for him. It is my wish that he become the best and authentic person he can be for himself and for our kids.
In order for us to build a new relationship, with an existing history, he's going to have to do that anyway, because I am not the same, I am becoming the best and authentic me I can be.

Bolt as I see it , right now you have a choice, and I know so well the pain is raw and blinding for you. Take your time...get angry, cry and grieve.

You can choose to stay stuck here, in pain, anger and unforgiveness. Or, you can choose to continue to DB for YOU.

You have my prayers this morning, my empathy, sympathy and shoulder to lean on should you want it.

I guess this is my take on it all. If you know your old M is dead, why does it matter if you get a D or not? Do you now want to start a NEW R with your S? You can still do that if you get a D. She will need to see the changes over a long period of time before she might want to start at the begining again. Now, this road isn't for everyone. But it just depends on what you can deal with and what you can't.

I hope I made some sense with this.

I kinda agree with Bolt on this. I mean he was Dbing for months and turns his W was either faking positive interactions or waiting for the other shoe to drop from Bolt. Bolt was making substantive changes.

I think calling it DBing at this time just gives the idea of false hope. And no, I'm not saying there is NO hope. Having said that the things that he should be doing as part of the DB principles will serve him well in the long run.

But I don't think following a list is going to be helpful at this point.

Bolt- I think you might have more time than you think (that may or may not matter.) I don't know and/or practice Ohio Law, but I don't see how your W gets around the 6-month residency requirement, plus it sounds like she needs your cooperation to get the dissolution. I'm sure your A will have this info for you.