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I'm so sorry to hear this Bolt. uggg. But, you sure do bounce back to your feet quickly. Remember, you're not changing for her .... you ARE the new bolt. And you'll be the new bolt with or without the M.

Hang in there, buddy. There is no timeline and no finish line for becoming a better person.

I don't know much bout MF, but I am a firm believer in MC F2F counseling. I wish you could see our guy, I hear he has an opening. LOL.



30 days isn't enough time only if you don't' think it's enough. 30 is enough time to show her the changes. I think about where I was only 30 days ago. make the changes for yourself. Be the new bolt again.

It will give you time to regroup and focus on you and your kids.

Bolt, I am SO incredibly sorry to hear this news. I know how you feel...in a word...gutted.

I have Mort Fertel's book. I can't afford his program as much as I would like to still get it eve at this dire time. His book was one of the first ones I picked up before my H moved out. H wanted no part of it but I liked it. Then the floodgates of resources just opened.

You are a seasoned DB'er in my book. You totally have the chops to stay the new Bolt. I hope your W sees the light before its too late for both of you.

Sending prayers and hugs!

Those two comments are what stands out to me in this whole sitch.

Do you know why?

I'm sorry to read about the about turn, Bolt. I thought that everything was ging OK for you. But this goes to show how delicate the balance is at the early stages of reconciliation.

You can do it Bolt. I am glad she has agreed to try to work on it. There's hope.

Praying for you!

(((hugs)))

Bolt,

First off I am glad that you and yours are safe and alive.



It is hard not think of these terms as...tricks. When they work and you see results. It almost works against you and long term goals to have see such good results quickly, because; well they are tricks. Tricks that worked.

The problem with tricks, is that eventually people see through them. Smoke and mirrors.

When these terms, are no longer fixes? When these terms are your way of life, because you made them for you and not to win her back. Then they are real and you wife will see the real change.

They look and watch, and I believe they do for a long time. I believe they have a deep rooted fear that most people (you) do not change.

"So it is said that if you know your enemies and know yourself, you can win a hundred battles without a single loss." - Sun Tzu

That is exactly why those two comments stood out. We use terms like GAL, 180, DB we do something and see a little success then we stop.

You know why we stop?

Because we do it with a desired outcome once we get it there is no need to continue. That by definition is not change it is a trick, a ploy, or whatever you want to call it.

To say I am peaking her interest by GAL is false. If you go GAL then go GAL if you do a 180 then do it because you have acknowledged you need to make a change regardless of the outcome of your R/M.

Anything else and you are fooling yourself.

Bolt, you have 30 days?

Good! Better than Good GREAT

Now take those 30 days to make the necessary changes in your life that have contributed to your downfall.

If you do it for you, then at the end of the 30 days it really does not matter what your W does or does not do.

We don't DB......We change our lives we just like to call it by a name so we use DB.

well, the 30 days came and went pretty dang fast, eh?
I met her today and she said she slept on it and that she didn't even want to try.

So instead, we talked about everything. She spelled it all out that she's been done for quite some time and had most of this planned out. She had been faking most of it and just wanted to get the girls out of the state. She didn't want to hurt me (sure) and is sorry for that (whatever).

The convo was heated at times (only on her end) but mostly civil. I did realize something through it though. I really didn't love her anymore. I truly didn't care what was happening to ME. I knew that I didn't really love her for a while. I loved her but wasn't IN love with her - I know...that sounds weird after everything but I think I was only in this for my kids. I gave in to her for so long and I was pretty miserable. Now that it ended, I feel pretty good.

But the kids are another story.

They were devastated and I truly hate her for that. I was willing to work it out to try to find love again for the kids and each other. I felt I did owe it to her after all of the years we put together. But once I got it all piled on me, I just couldn't take it and I had no desire to continue.

The kids cried the whole time and I was exhausted after. My oldest is so strong and smart but is so very fragile. I need to really step up my daddy skills from here on out. I know I've been a pretty good dad so far but I'm really going to be better.

They need it and aren't going to get it from their mother.

I want to thank all of the bits and all of the peeps on these boards. I do wish I could have done better but I really wish I would have been true to my emotions and made changes earlier.

I do wish you all the best of luck. It was never my intention to break up this family and it friggin kills me. BUT ultimately, I gave all I could.

My youngest was crying in my arms as I told her - I never gave up on her and never will. I told her that whenever she wants to find me, she only has to look here (I pointed to her heart) I said because she is my heart.

Bolt, so sorry for the turn this has taken.

Please keep DB’ing for you and your children. Behavior Mod takes time and effort. With the proper goals you will be stronger for you and your children. The mantra “Do what works” still applies.

I am certain CA and OH have different D laws and the residency change may affect the outcome. Find a L and get professional advice.

Bolt: I had been following your sitch quite regularly. I am so sorry you are in this position.

Wow, this really feels like Deja-Vu

So instead, we talked about everything. She spelled it all out that she's been done for quite some time and had most of this planned out. She had been faking most of it and just wanted to get the girls out of the state. She didn't want to hurt me (sure) and is sorry for that (whatever).

My wife the same exact thing. My wife filed the D on me when i was abroad visiting my parents. She took our daughter to her parents home and then filed. She said that she had been planning all that for about 6 months. It then made sense about lot of the financial changes we made right before left to see my parents.

For me in part i was happy(should i even call it that??) that she did this when i was with my family, my support system. She said she chose this way because she cared for me. Sometimes i think that it is a big BS. I dont know. throught my 11 years of marriage, my trust in my wife was 100%. I could never believe that she's capable of this. But now that trust has been shaken big time.

Hang in there man. This is when you really need to pick up the pieces and look at life as a whole, not just marriage. I know, easy to say. Hard to do.