Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Recovering after a same sex affair - Part 4

On a different note, W did send me a text this morning letting me know that we may have a first tooth coming in for our boy. I'm really excited to see it, but I feel bad for him right now. He has been sick for weeks and now gets to add the pains of teething to his misery. Makes me sad for him.

I feel for you man. No one deserves to go through this kind of trauma.

Hi Sparks - the teeth for my kids often came with a fever, fussiness, stuffy nose, etc. The first few were the worst, after that they don't really seem to notice them coming in.

Thanks Karma and AJ! It is amazing the love and pain you feel for your own child when they are hurting. I can't wait until he starts feeling better. Breaks my heart.

cold washcloths to chew on are always a good idea

probably WHY he was sicky for a week

poor bub

Thanks for the great idea, Figg. He is doing a lot better now that it has broken through. First tooth is in!

Time for a couples therapy journal entry. It's been a few days since our session, but I have not really been up for journaling lately. I have also found myself stopping some of the great behaviors I have been working on. I need to make a better effort, so I will be going to church on Sunday and start my daily exercise on Monday.

I came into therapy this time with a couples points written out that I wanted to discuss.

1. I received my yearly performance bonus, and even though we have separated finances, I thought it appropriate to pass by my intentions with the money. It was a large amount, so I didn't want to hide anything. Explained to my W that I would use its entirety to pay off all remaining debt. This would make us debt free minus our house. W told me that my bonus is my money but also happily agreed.

2. My individual therapist mentioned that it might be a good idea to just check in with my W to see where she is in her journey and where she sees my role in the process at this time. I mentioned that I wanted to give her space, but I sometimes found it difficult to balance being too helpful and complete avoidance. We talked about privacy. She said that sometimes she felt as if my questions to her had an agenda. When I ask her what she is up to or if she has plans, she feels like I am trying to figure out if she is going out and/or meeting the OW. I explained to my W that I am simply trying to make small talk and did not want to cross privacy boundaries or seem like I was prying. She agreed that it is okay to have small talk about our lives concerning how we are doing, and we will both do a better job at recognizing when a question is uncomfortable.

3. I had sought out and contacted a few parenting coordinators to help my W out. I wanted to give her some of the info that I got from the two sources. How much they will cost. What they specialize in, etc. W was pissed. She feels that I have an agenda here as well. She says that I am contacting these people first to develop a relationship and create bias. The therapist mentioned that the last words said concerning this last week were that my W wanted me to do nothing to help. I tried to explain that W had really been upset that I was not taking any initiative to help find a coordinator. I only wanted to help her and show her that I do support the needs to find out what is best for our S. W mentioned that she felt as though I was steamrolling and taking over like I have always done. She compared this to me making decisions in our lives where she felt unheard. For her, it is a control behavior on my part.

I then tried to explain to my W that I never want to put her in a situation that she feels unheard. I did my best to explain to her that I have now recognized times in the past where I have made certain decisions that were logical to me, but I did not take my W's opinion fully in the matter. Sometimes I would go through with an action to get it accomplished without stopping for input from W. I told her that I am really working hard to change these behaviors.

My W stopped me and told me that what I am saying now is really upseting her. She said that it is maddening to think that I spent five years of our relationship not caring about her opinion. She then said what amounted to being done and out of here.

My therapist then told my W that she did not hear that intent from the words that I just told her. Therapist started to tell her what I had said, but my W stopped her and told her not to put words in my mouth. W was very angry at both me and therapist at this point. Therapist asked my W to explain again what she heard from my comments. W said that I told her that I admitted to never taking her opinion in our relationship and now I had just decided to change and fix it. Therapist again told W that what I told her did not imply that at all and then asked me to try an explain again what I meant.

I told my W that I have always valued her opinion. I never and have never wanted her to be on unequal ground or feel unheard. I told my W that I just mentioned a few behaviors where I would think my logical choice was best in certain circumstances. I said in those circumstances, I now see where I was at fault for not including her fully in that decision. This did not mean that I have never valued her opinion. There were just certain circumstances where I did not fully include her and that I was wrong for not doing so. Many of these time, I had simply not stopped to think that W really cared one way or another. I wanted her to know that I am really working hard to recognize when these instances occur and then also act to allow complete input from W before a decision is made. I want her on equal ground. In the end my words mean nothing and my actions will have to speak louder. Our session was then over.

Ugh! I don't know what I am trying to tell her. I was trying to tell her that I recognize this fault of mine and am truly working at improving myself on those behaviors. Everything I said, she would take and spin it. It all comes back to the anger she feels for me just now making the change. She had even mentioned how mad she was that it took five years, couples therapy, her telling me that she didn't love me, an affair, and her leaving for me to make these changes. This goes back to that anger phase of the WAS that is mentioned here so often. I guess I just have to keep working and dodge her punches. I hope this is the correct aproach for me to continue and that this anger will cease at some point.

Sparks
I just wanted to say that I feel for you. I am going through a similar situation, and completely understand. Your resolve has kept me strong, and kept me from going insane. I actually read all 4 of your threads while my W was with the possible OW, "going out and having fun as friends". Reading it really helped me "go dark" that night. It may be hard to believe but you are strong and an inspiration to me. After much heartache I decided to finally start my own thread and share my story. I would be honored if you and some the other veteran BITS could take a quick look. Like most of our stories it is long and convoluted, so please bear with the long posts . I don't know you well, but you are like an older brother to me it seems.

GB90 - Dude. I don't know what to say. Thanks for the kind words.

I cannot say enough about the support I have received from this site. It has been one of the major constants that has kept me positive. I truly hope it has the same affect on you and keeps you going strong.

I read your sitch last night on my iphone and will comment on it later today when I have some more time to type.

Sparks - it's rough, just keep working through it and doing the best you can. I would guess your wife is pissed because she knows she wants more time with son and you may have scooped her, she's mad that she walked away and now sees she maybe had a good thing, she's mad because she doesn't know what to do and you/therapy are just confusing her more, and like you, she's probably thinking, why did it take all this crap for us to start really talking and listening.

My suggestion is maybe less talk, more action and listening. You sound worn out and it's easy to get talked in circles till you don't know what message you are sending. And I think you can tell her that...hey, you're pissed no matter what I say or do, I think I need a break....don't say it that way, but give yourself some distance and space. She needs to figure out which team she's on so you can make some decisions.

Thanks, AJ. I think you present some great advice. I have been finding myself sliding a little lately. I have also been allowing my wife's anger start to get to me. Not that I am returning the anger with my own, but I have been internalizing the messages presented as well as the meaning of the anger ion general. That's a tough place to be, and I know that my focus needs to be on me right now. She is not in a place right now that is open to healing.

I am going to follow this entry up with a couples therapy journal. More time spent on the topics discussed last week. I am really letting myself feel down right now concerning the message she is giving me. Need to pick my head up. Work on detaching even more right now.