Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis empowerment over, just had H pack his bags

I almost had a moment of weakness tonight and thought of calling H and say he can come home. Not that I really think I could stomach being in the same house, especially since OW is still in picture. But, how is it that I am left to clean up the aftermath. He should be the one to see his children in pain.
People who have found out are calling to offer support help. Everyone has been wonderful, but I am exhausted. My 2 youngest S's will say they are fine, but are emotional over the littlest things. My 5 year old will not leave my side and won't sleep by himself now. My oldest, a D is fine 5 minutes, crying the next 5. I can barely keep myself together. This is my life now?

Hey there.

I feel for you.

Aftermath? Yeah, it's yours to cleanup because it is all about HIM right now. I'm sorry.

I've been dealing with this garbage from my W since October. It is really ugly.

I've learned that the person in MLC cares nothing and I mean ABSOLUTELY NOTHING about anything, but themselves. It is all about them and their happiness.

We(LBS)have to be there to clean up their path of destruction.

My W has got a hold of the world's largest wrecking ball and thrown it right at me and our family. MLC really is a mess.

I'm sorry for your situation.

Tad

I'm starting worry that H is not going to live up to what he said about being there for our children. Its only been 2 days since he left and he already didn't call one night to say good night to them (as he promised them). My D got tired of waiting and called him, only to have to leave a message. I texted him and said maybe he could have the kids today because they are having a hard time with this and it would help if they saw him. Nothing. No response.

Dear CMrs, Sadly so many of us know your journey all too well. We feel your pain and recognise your H. He's not there for you atm because he just can't be. He's incredibly selfish and we know you can't recognise him at all. Let him go for now. Use these boards to vent and to show your hurt and rage but let him be.

Be there for your darling children. Let them know that you are there for them, no matter what. You owe them this stability. You need to think of only now and not tomorrow. Tomorrow is too far away.

Don't bother texting him. Your old H would have responded but for now your H is not available to you in this way.

Hugs,

Cas

Dear CdnMrs
I remember how you must be feeling right now.
Please treat yourself gently and with kindness.
Realize and understand deep within yourself that it isn't about you. It isn't about what you did and didn't do, it isn't about how well you loved, or any of your percieved(from his POV) character flaws.

Please, please don't get down on yourself and start stripping away your own self worth or comparing yourself to the OW.
You did the best you knew how to do with the tools you had.
This place is to help you get new tools, new perspective and to address behaviours that may have contributed to situation you're now in.

If I can give you any benefit of my experience that would be it.


Correct what can be corrected behaviourally in yourself for yourself. Look at your interactions with your H to try to understand where your buttons are, where your pain is and start working on you to remove those buttons and heal the pain.

Take care of you and your kids they need you to be their rock right now, as much as you feel like crumbling.

You are going to need help through this. We are here for you.

CM,

So many of us, both men and women, understand exactly where you are coming from at the moment. We have stood in your shoes, and many of us continue to stand in them to this day. If I may add anything to Scylla post above, it would be to try and live your life as if he is never coming back. It will be his decision as to how he maintains, or doesn't maintain a R with his children. It's heartbreaking, but you will get through it, as they will, and they will need you all the more.

Be there for them, be there for yourself. Only God can be there for your H at the moment.

I just had a thought. The last few months H has been saying we got married because we had our d. He seems to overlook that we dated 10 years before this, and lived together 2 years after her birth before we got married...no one rushed into anything.
If this is his reasoning, how can he say that an affair is a good way to start a relationship??

CdnMrs.
You believe he's thinking and reasoning?
Seriously?

He's reacting. He's emotional. His reptilian survival brain has primary control right now, the cognitive reasoning brain is secondary.

He's running prior programming installed between 6 months gestation and 11/12 years old.

His perceptions are totally skewed. This is why we can say IT"S NOT ABOUT YOU!

He's justifying ... that's what MLCers do. They rewrite history to suit/explain their present foolishness. Having an A is no way to leave a M. If you're unhappy ... you leave, but you prepare your spouse and children. You try and do marriage counseling. You walk away when all has been tried ... not when you find someone else.

Don't buy into this ... keep working on yourself, and detach from his weird history rewriting.

I'm trying not to think about his behavior. Today actually had an interesting turn of events. After not hearing from H I decided to take the kids to the movies. Of course, right as we are about to go, the phone rings. My d answers it and tells H of the plans (he says he was going to see if he could come over). D then hands the phone to me. H asks if he can meet us and come too. It was the hardest thing I have done in a long time, but I said yes. I had knots in my stomach the whole drive there. It did go better than I thought. I didn't really have to talk/interact with him and the kids were happy to see him.
I'm worried though that he is going to take this as I'm forgiving him, which I am not. It did help me see that I can do this, co-parent and be civil. Its still very hard though...all the thoughts of the lies/deception. Two weeks until my 1st weekend without the kids. I'm going to fill that weekend up so I have something to look forward to.
H has heard from family/close friends and is having to live with the dissapointment from everyone. He told me today that he isn't even sure he wants the OW. I told him he better decide fast because I'm pretty sure OW will think this means they are going to be together.