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Yah, I know what you mean. There's different levels of depression though. Mine was mild - another term is 'functional depression'. I just want to share this with you, not to steal your thread nor pester you if you're satisfied with where you're at, but to let you know that depression isn't just being bedridden or unable to wash your hair. That's what I'd thought too - I thought, "good grief I don't look like those people in those commercials! I'm still functioning... I'm just blue... if I was stronger I'd snap out of it."

I could still go to work; go out with friends; go to appointments etc; I was functioning. But when I was alone, that's when it would really get me. My sleep was terrible; maybe 4 hrs a night for close to a month; and when I did sleep, it was full of horrid nightmares. I'd wake up and be beyond exhausted through the day. But if I'd try to nap? My head would spin and churn and I'd give up. Or when I'd be confronted with confict or stress, my thoughts would turn to confetti, whirling and spinning in my head. I couldn't stop thinking about hurts others had inflicted on me; problems, things I'd done wrong.

And I couldn't let all this stuff go because it still hurt. But not because I was a weak person, because I was depressed and didn't know it. It made me incapable of learning new ways of thinking so that I could then learn new ways of dealing with people and problems. That's what treatment for depression is really about. It's not a patch to get a 'fake happy' so that you never learn how to deal with your problems. It's much deeper than that. It's what enables you to learn how to deal with your problems in new ways that you'd never known about before.

So again, not to pester, but if any of your experiences right now feel similar to what I've described I was going through, consider talking to your MC about it. I'm very lucky my IC recognized it in me when she did; she got me the treatment I needed and although I still have wobbly days, my brain is healing enough that I'm moving forward again. Just something to consider... take care. FMV.

FMV,

Did you go on anti-depressant? Or just do IC?

H went on anti-depressant in May and it was HORRIBLE. He was so sick and we couldn't ML because of the side effects and that was not good because it was what we needed to start doing again. IfyouknowhatImean....

Once he started dropping hints and I discovered the whole A truth, THAT is when HIS depression lifted. He said it was the burden of carrying the secret that had him depressed, even suicidal. He was entangled in something evil he couldn't seem to get out of. I'm feeling a little bit like that now. H said I am obsessed w OW the way he was. What is it about awful evil people? I now KNOW they exist.

HIS depression lifted when I did my 180 and moved in. I said, "Consider yourself pi$$ed on because I'm marking my territory." That is why I titled this thread that way.

I thank you for sharing your experience. I will read it again and think it over. Interested in knowing if you went the medication route or IC or both. I know I need to get better. I'm just thinking I'm on the right path now. I feel like I'm in "deep rest" because I sure am sleeping a lot if allowed to. I think I really need it.

MZ

So, get treatment for your depression if you need to. It is important to piecing.

Both. Anti-depressants alone, without help from an IC to learn the new thinking process you need to overcome what caused the depression, typically prove to be ineffective.

Yes, the first couple weeks of being on an AD can be rough. I had a lot of nausea. It's because we have seratonin receptors in our stomachs; fortunately it only takes about two weeks to get past that stage. If it lasts longer than that, I think one should contact their Dr to try a different type, or strength. Everyone reacts to them differently.

Just take care. Sleeping too much or too little, are both signs of depression.

BTW, I should have said above that it was my Dr & Psychologist who recommended doing both the ADs and IC; that they prove to be most effective when done together, rather than just picking one or the other.

I saw SOMEWHERE on this site about 180s. Somebody said you can Google something like "180 techniques" and get a list. I tried that but it only produced something to do with sewing!!!!LOL.....Can anyone help?

Hey! Found the mother load of Michele videos on U-tube.
H watched 3 with me so far.
Michele says to set aside time for Q & A.

180 list

Michele's divorce busting 180 degree list:

1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore.
2. No frequent phone calls.
3. Do not point out good points in marriage.
4. Do not follow him/her around the house.
5. Do not encourage talk about the future.
6. Do not ask for help from family members.
7. Do not ask for reassurances.
8. Do not buy gifts.
9. Do not schedule dates together.
10. Do not spy on spouse.
11. Do not say "I Love You".
12. Act as if you are moving on with your life.
13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive.
14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc.
15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words.
16. If you are in the habit of asking your
spouse her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING.
17. You need to make your partner think that
you have had an awakening and, as far as you
are concerned, you are going to move on with
your life, with or without your spouse.
18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just
pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and,
more important, realize what s/he will be missing
19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only
show your spouse happiness and contentment.
Show him/her someone s/he would want to be around.
20. All questions about marriage should be put on
hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it
(which may be a while).
21. Never lose your cool.
22. Don't be overly enthusiastic.
23. Do not argue about how s/he feels
(it only makes their feelings stronger).
24. Be patient
25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is
really saying to you.
26. Learn to back off, shut up and walk away
when you want to speak out.
27. Take care of yourself
(exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the
other parts of your life that are not in turmoil).
28. Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly.
29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest
CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more
than any words you can say or write.
30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when
you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy.
31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse.
32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see.
Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because she is hurting and scared.
33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.
34. Do not backslide from your hard earned changes.

Above are steps to take to get you to the Piecing stage.


How I think DB techniques worked for me.


1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore.
I didn't do any of these things.
I had the blessing of being in big time denial.
I suspected an A, asked, was lied to, and believed him.
H knew I was onto something 4-5 months before disclosure.
I think this made him start to think.

2. No frequent phone calls.
I only called him when necessary per our usual routine.
Now in piecing, I can and do call him whenever I want.
We now talk at least 2 X day.
He usually calls me.
I still usually wait for him to call 1st.

3. Do not point out good points in marriage.
No need to because I believed him.
Thought it was his thing to work through.
<<How right I was! Went thru self-blame after discovery.
Kept thinking there was something I could/should/would-a
done.>>
Never dreamed the M was suffering an A.
Now it's H who points out the good things about our R.
H knows he screwed up and he wants me to realize the good.

4. Do not follow him/her around the house.
Actually did the opposite and left him alone.
In my sitch, my 180 needed to make him believe I loved him and wanted him.
Not that I follow him around the house, but I hug, touch, and kiss him A LOT now!

5. Do not encourage talk about the future.
As far in the future we got was to plan a vaca 2-2010.
I handed over vaca plans to him.
Now he plans most of our trips and outings.
The other night he said, "We really need to do these things."

So, it does pay off!
My sitch- I had suspicions as far back as September 2009.
Had an uneasy feeling-intuitive hits and ideas.
Had an urge to check his cell- I didn't
I made comments & asked Q about possible A.
H denied it and I believed him.

My story and time-line is in
MLC- Piecing via Shoots and Ladders

MZ

I'm not doing too well. H and S19 withheld some info from me until we could all be together. H and I went away for 2 days and he never mentioned it. Never said, "Hey Xxxx needs to talk to you about something, but asked me not to say anything and I want to respect his wishes." The details have much to do with this. The similarity of going on a vaca with H and his secret keeping really triggered me. On the one hand it is perfectly understandable. On the other, it just hit me where it hurts. God help me, please!