Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Piecing Our Marriage Back Together Again Piecing is almost harder than before #2...

X-man

I totally understand about taking time off from the board, too.

Sorry you are feeling like this. God knows you can find a number of posts like yours from me (and others) Yes it does kinda s*ck. But spend any time on the Newcomer's section and there are a lot of guys who would take what you have.

You know the answers - it's a process, it takes time. But it's hard when you aren't feeling the affection.

I had this thought the other day I am choosing to be here. That mean's I am choosing to deal with the ups and downs, choosing to wait for my W. It's a choice and that's the "power" I have over this situation. You have made that choice too

Any chance you are still dealing with the kiss from the other day? like thinking it might lead to others. It is a trap.

My W gave me a kiss on New Year's day - out of the blue. then I didn't get a kiss from her for 7 weeks (sadly I counted)

Even when it comes back, it's still work.

As for the side note, I'd let it go. I saw it that she was talking about your family and not some coded message about your future.

Journaling...

Hope X and Bolt are doing okay


For me things have stabilized for now and we get along great. I'm really starting to feel like I have my marriage back (at least the start of it.) Case in point,last night we were watching the boys play. My wife come over and stands by my side and leans into me. I put my arm around her. It was a nice moment.

Also the other night when my W went to bed I initiated a hug and told her ILY. She respond ILY too. She also asked if I wanted to carpool today. I decided I wasn't going to ask her, but let her lead if she wanted to. She did.

I think from here we need to start building on what kind of marriage we want, what we expect and how to achieve it.

The next issue for us is physical intimacy...you know what I'm talking 'bout Willis. Okay it's been about 12 weeks since we last ML. All through out piecing, I've let my W take the lead on a lot of things. I don't know where she is on ML at all other than we aren't doing it or talking about doing it. I did notice my W is become slightly more flirty. I think this is a good next step for us.

Our MC mentioned that things might e okay enough for either of us to bring up the sex thing. Of course, my W said on the drive home, she'd rather me not talk about just let it happen.

I had plan to talk to her about it on Sat. night. Bascially, a "where are you on this? If you aren't ready that's my answer. I will wait patiently as long as it takes. I appreciate all the work you've done and sometimes it is just about pure animal lust w/o the emotions attached."

I would expect one of three response - let's go now, I'll think about it or I'm not ready.

but I decided that might not be the best tact wonder if I can just try to make a move on here and see if it can happens.

or just do nothing and wait for her to talk to me.

Also this morning we were talking about the fact that my W might have to work (1/day a week) close to where the OM offices are. She would work with OM's best friend who is also her mentor (this guy I don't' worry about at all).
She was talking about it, then asked if it bother me a little. I said 'yes' but didn't want to bring it up as I trusted her. She thanked me for being honest.

Then, she looks me right in the eyes an says. "You have NOTHING to worry about. Okay, Nothing." I said I know. She again says. "You have nothing to worry about." then she said she could say it again. I just joked that she could text me if she wanted.

Glad to hear things are working forward!
It fills me with tons of hope because we've all been running at around the same pace.

I can't wait to get to the point of simply talking about ML BUT I'm putting that way in the back of my mind. I like where we are - feeling each other out again. Almost like we're falling in love again...but it's not that butterfly love stuff...it's that full true love. We're building that to withstand anything else.

Bolt, I get the feeling like you are falling in love again. It's strange and wonderful at the same time, I bet JTB could shed some light on this.

So no one was around to answer my question on how to proceed. I was forced to fly blind and I took a huge risk.

So on Friday, we carpooled. We were driving to get a pizza before heading home. The whole ML question had been on my mind for like a week. I had practice what I was going to say over and over. I still didn't know if it was wise to bring it up. I mean my W was pretty clear about that kinda stuff - let her bring it up and the more I talked about it the less inclined she was to move forwarded on it.

So I'm kinda quiet and my W ask if I'm doing okay. I say "well, there is one thing, but I don't know if I want to talk about it." My W is no fool, she says "Clearly you want to talk about or else you wouldn't have said anything." she also said she wouldn't get mad and listen to what I had to say.

Now, I have a whole speech in my head. After hemming and hawing, I say "I kinda wanted to see where you were about starting to have sex again."
I then say, "If your answer is 'I'm not ready yet', then I understand and I will leave it at that." I begin to say something else and she stops me.
"I suggest you stop right there, because you could only hurt your chances."

It was a risk and I'm hesitant to say what she said. I will say that we talked later on Saturday and my wife said that she thinks our relationship is at a point where I can bring things to her that I couldn't before. Like, if I felt that she wasn't spending enough time with me and it was a legit comlaint, the I could say "Hey this was botherng me."

This was kind of an issue in the past because basically my W didn't want to hear it because of all our issues. I feel real strong about our direction.

A lot of kisses, hugs and ILYs over the weekend, but also a lot of giving each other our own space and feeling secure enough to do so. That to me is equally important. I really feel we are building a good foundation.

ha! yeah, but that was so yesterday!
This roller coaster [censored]...

okay okay. I'll break the silence.

Things are good....okay really, really good. After months of wondering, waiting and watching, things are finally coming around.

Everyday for the last 2 weeks or so, my W has hugged me, kissed me or said ILY. (sometimes all three :-) ). I feel comfortable offering her affection (and more importantly not worrying about it being returned)

The work now is different and I won't say that we are back. I mean how, it's only been about 4 months since my W seem to want to commit to working on the marriage. To many that's a blip and I know there is many a cautionary tale about coming back too fast. I don't think that's the case here, but I am mindful.

We are still in MC, have a session tomorrow in fact.

I had a strange experience last night. My W and I were with the kids driving to dinner. We were just having conversation about our days. then my W says something that was like temperature check on the marriage. She said she was really happy with how things were going. She talk about how nice it was to have things solid at home. I agreed, but mostly I didn't want to have any R talk at all. maybe I was burned out or preoccupied.

Then later on we were lying in bed and my W said that it was great to finally feel really optimistic about our M. I think I sad something like "I'm glad." and she said kinda firmly but joking. 'What? you aren't optimistic?" Of course, I said, "no, I'm very optimistic too." Again, I didn't feel like getting into an R talk and I thought that's where she was trying to go.

The convo kinda stay with me for some reason. Part of me felt like I needed to reassure her on my feelings about us, but part of is pretty sure that she knows how I feel.

over, I am one happy dude these days.

Hope XYZ is doing good and I wish safe travels and moving for Bolt

Harrier,

only as a word of caution...



Can you afford that?

I think she just wanted some validation. Now you know your wife better than anyone here, and with that being said, my advice is just advice.

A little praise for efforts goes a long way.
While this has been hard on you, don't forget it hasn't been easy for her either.

Pointing out that you noticed and appreciate her effort, or that you are happy with how things are going as well...

If that had gone into an R talk, you could have stemmed it off in a nice way.

She is still looking at you, she will be looking for signs, its in your goals best interest that she doesn't see any.

JTB, I'm kinda confused as to what you said. Both in the car and while lying it bed, I did say basically, I too am very happy with how things are going and I am optimistic.
And as I was leaving our room (she was going to bed, I had to do some things), I looked right in her eyes and just said "Thanks."

I didn't post the whole conversations. (I'm kinda in awe when people do that here)



Signs of what?...I'm not following you here.

Harrier,

Point well taken about not having the whole conversation there. : ) and yeah...sometimes it baffles me too.

here is what jumped out at me:



To me it seemed like she wanted...more from you, she mentioned it in the car and then later in bed. Sort of like a kid trying to hint at getting something they want. It seemed like she was leading you to a verbal affirmation.

Signs, prior to 2010 you were (paraphasing your own words) Awesome!

But 2010 was a bad year for you, bad enough that it affect your marriage.

The signs of change you showed in 2010, is what I mean.

So I decided to send my W a quick email. Basically it said

thank you for everything you've been doing. I appreciate it a ton and I feel really good about us. It's great to feel that.