Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Piecing Our Marriage Back Together Again Piecing is almost harder than before #2...

Actually,

this is a weird thing for us because of last year. Prior to last year, I think it was case of I was never really satisfied (the the exception of when we were procreating) and so I basically followed her lead. but often times it would lead to fights, etc. I was very poor at asking for it too. I would complain of her not initiating as well.

So early year. We had a sex talk. Basically we said that we are grown ups and when I want to see if she's interested, I ask for it in a direct way. That way I was clear in my needs and it gave her some say in things.

Midway through last year, she said my judgment about sex was screwed up b/c of my issues, so she said that she would only be the one to initiate. That worked out well.

And our Sex life was NEVER better- the quantity, quality, everything. Plus my W dropped about 15 lbs and was pretty confident in her looks.

Looking back, I can't help but wonder if some of the increase was due to the OM/EA, as much as it pains me to say it. I mean it was clear there was a physical attraction component to the EA. Plus he was making her feel good about herself. Her libido was off the charts.

Then in November, we hit the D patch. December, she cuts off most contact with OM. Needless to say Nov - March was a very dry time.

So we start up again. I'm worried we will never go back to that increased phase for lots of reasons, but some of it has to do with the fact that we've knows each other for nearly 20 years. And we we each others' firsts and only. I know I have to get over that.

But we are just starting this ML process again and it's too early to see where it will go. I like what you said about making it not an obligation.

Anywho we reached a compromise which is that we will take turns initiating for now. (her idea) We will have to trust each other on this.

As for last night, I was kinda upset, but not b/c of the sex. We tried to make Sunday our night to spend significant time together. We didn't and went straight to the bedroom. I felt shortchanged on our night, but if I said anything to her I'd get "We had sex dude, what do you want?"

but I think of all the other stuff she's really working on. I can't complain. It's sill only about 6 weeks since we've started the physical aspect.

Man, BEEN there.

That book J3B mentioned is really good and there's a condensed version of the tips on the psychology today website (blogs, archives at this point, a search turns it up). Recommend you check it out.

One of the things that precipitated all of my M issues was the ML dried up. From 1/week to 1/month. We actually were having somewhat reasonable talks at that point but it took a LONG while to get into her head that this would drive me absolutely NUTS, and always being the one to ask for ML put me in this place I'm in (where I'm resentful, and she gets to be in charge) - which, ironically, she didn't like. It was an example of how our R had become unbalanced.

I wrote her a letter explaining my point of view. I wish I would have given her those short articles from the PT site - would have been easier and better, probably. Anyway, over time....it took time....it got better - quality and quantity. She knows that 1/week gives her a happy, strong H, and one who is understanding when she's not in the mood.

Yeah, she lost some weight in the past year - maybe had something to do with her boss, and going to work looking good turned on her libido too. Hey there's an obvious downside of this for me, of course. But at 39 she looks better than she did at 21. So, heck, I try to appreciate it when I can. Point is - J3B is right - it'll just take time to get back into it.

One other thing that worked for me.....and forgive me if this is TMI. But it's a BIG help for me. I know Ws cycle better than she does. When we were having trouble getting pregnant ("we", ha!) it was my job as the biologist to track her temperature and cycles and give her daily injections in her stomach - I had to keep a chart - and I LEARNED. When the whole thing started getting bad a year ago or so I figured I should start keeping track again. You can laugh.....I know it's a little crazy....but I have it in a personal calendar on outlook! Check wikipedia for a summary of "events"....your mileage may vary, of course.

Here's the thing. After months and months of doing this I know when she's likely to be in the mood, and when she won't be. It's the same couple of times every month - and not the stereotypical ones. I don't waste my time even trying when I know it's a bad time. And during the other times I don't get the cold shoulder much. Interestingly, I've noticed other behaviors that are predictable. EG, wife has a particular outfit - a short sweater dress she wears with boots on the same day each cycle. Weird.

My W says I have a pretty good memory about this. Once a doctor asked her about her, well, you know, stuff and she shrugged and looked over at me. ha.

Remember, man, this is a judgement-free zone!

Let me explain little further.

for most of our marriage the ML stayed at the same frequency. This last year was the only time it changed an it was an increase.

for many years in my M, I wasn't good about bringing it up. I'd hint around or expect her to read my mind. Then I'd get mad when she didn't response. We finally decided to be adults about it. i would ask for it directly and she let me know. Sh also decided to initiate more. Also, the pat couple years I think I mellowed a bit on sex.

We always knew we had different drives. But I think she really started to enjoy it more this past year. And I think she believes we will get to a place like last year of increased frequency. But it will take time. Heck, I am only, ONLY 5 months post bomb. I'm lucky my W lets me near her. I need to remind myself of that.

While the "sex -starved marriage book might be interesting. I don't think my W would really be interest. 1st the title is off-putting. 2nd, my W has Ph.D in Clinical Psychology and is very skeptical of 'self-help' type books. It doesn't help that MWD writes a blog for Psychology Today.

I do think my W looks great and I'd rather have her than any 21-year old.

I hope XY and Bolt are doing okay.

Thought I'd put down a few of my goals.

1. Don't blame W. - I had this bad habit when anything would go wrong to immediately find a way to blame my W for some aspect. I don't do this any more.
2. No cutting comments - I used to make small jokes at my wife's expense. they weren't horrible and it was kind a thing in our relationship. She'd laugh and flip me the bird. I'm working on not doing this.
3. Try to really listen to my wife when she talks about work and just as important when she engages me about work really respond to her. My W and I used to have a long running joke about not listening to the other one. There was Simpsons episode where Marge is talking to Homer and he responds with "Sure they will" to something she says that has nothing to do with what Homer said. so we always would throw in a "sure they will" as a joke.
4. Try to be comfortable with silence. I've learned that for my W, it is meaningful to spend time together w/o necessarily talking.

I'm sure there are others too.

sorry, Harrier, I misunderstood your situation. Sounds like you're doing all the right things to move forward, as usual.

I think that skepticism is very healthy.

"Be happy and life gives you presents." pfffhpt.

Helll, I recommend reading it (library book) with a skeptical mind, and the title does succk if your introducing it to your wife. You can almost feel the defense sheilds being raised.

Not really, but I'm luckier than a lot of people here.

BTW I was thinking about something you said. Marathon training is nothing compared to this.

Remember that at mile 22!

had a little bump on Thursday morning, bu I think we got through it as best we could. Still working through it actually.

Today is the first day that we don't have an MC appt, that we would have normally had. I wonder if it was the right decision to stop that.

Well we at last know he's available.

Aside from the bump, things have really started to settle down. It's kinda hard to describe. The first month when we really turned a corner, I was very positive and just happy that there were small improvements every day. Now a lot of things have normalized and it feels strange.

I can feel a difference in how we relate though. Sometimes thought I start with the dumb questions to myself. I man I know how I feel when I look at her, I know I am very physically attracted to her, but does she feel that too when she looks at me?
Granted she says she loves me all the type and she's not the to just say that to fill silence. I know it's stupid and it can show a lack of confidence.

I guess this just is part of it.


Man I think about Bolt a lot and I hope he's doing okay. and XYZ's absence is really being felt. I hope it's for good reasons.

I found out a friend of mine I've known since grade school is currently separated from this wife.

Good question...

What do you see when you see yourself?

To address that question of her, be honest with yourself Harrier.

Are you happy with your self image?

Basically, if you fat, BUT you're actually happy that way...no problem.

If your fat, but your not happy with that? You have an answer.

If you are happy with your image, chances are better so is she...but she is secondary...an added benefit of you being happy with yourself.

Bolt is kind of posting in MLC and, yeah I hope XYZ is doing well too.