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remorse [rɪˈmɔːs]
n
1. a sense of deep regret and guilt for some misdeed

Not to get picky but picked this word on purpose.

She does feel this I believe.



I agree Mr. B I would like to see her doing more than just being in remorse and regret, like...

Contrite? Not yet.

I do recognize there is a difference.

Thank you all for the responses. This just happened 2 hours ago and I wanted to get it down as much as I could remember.

Need to let it sink in a bit.

Grit,

Sounds a bit like your W might be sticking a big toe in???

(((Hug)))

Grit,

It does sound as though your W is communicating indirectly,........no doubt part of the reason you find yourself where you are today. It sounds as though she has difficulty communicating directly now and in the past.

To my female brain it sounds as though she is feeling you out to see how receptive you might be to a continued R with her. I think it is possible and probably desirable to gently set boundaries in a kind and non-judgemental way. I have always been impressed at how gentle and kind you have been in these conversations with your W. I don't doubt that you can do this if you choose to.

You have time to decide how to proceed as long as you keep the door open at least a crack. I'm rooting for you.

GAG

TrueGritter...after rereading your convo for the third time this jumped out at me:




You are so dead on the money here. She's got a lot of steps to complete before she can forgive herself.

Do you think she might be asking for help with her issues? Given your history together IMO that she's not really dealt with her early ( multiple) sources of trauma.

My intital reaction of her being self pitying still stands, but that's a sign of someone that's stuck in a cycle that impedes forgiveness of others and self, iirc. One I will outline to you when I have the time and if you want that information.

Oh True, tread lightly here, my friend.

Sometimes we want so much to hear words of remorse that we dont always hear everything.

I'm sorry, sweetie, but I do hear a lot of self pitying and projecting on her part. But, I also hear someone who is still in a lot of pain and nowhere near being able to take responsibility for her actions. She wants you to give her absolution.

But, this is different, I think, than the past. So, get a plan together. I would let her lead a bit here. If she wants to talk to you, let her call you. You can decide if you want to take the call or not.

And when you do talk to her, do some active listening.

Hang in there.

I have to be honest and say that a lot of the things she said were dead on with things my XH said when he decided to leave and then file for divorce. At the time I took it as indecision or thought I had a chance--he said things like he shouldn't be forgiven and that he was afraid I would not forgive him, and that I deserved better, etc. At the time I kept thinking I can forgive, he is good for me if we can get past this, and I can work with him to repair everything. The more I said that, the more hew walked away. In my sitch, I think that he was saying those things as a way to rationalize not trying to fix anything. It was almost like an "I'm not strong enough or I don't want to work on this; I want an easy out." He kept saying that it messed with his head when I said I could forgive him. He said that was never part of the scenario to him.

I think the most you can do is to offer to help her get into some sort of counseling or soul searching, but I read a lot of pity in this and a lot of excuses, but again that's just because I heard much the same stuff almost 10 months ago and my XH has now moved away and is fully engaged in an open rel. with the OW and still claiming to everyone that he made the right choice.

Good luck.

Hi TG!

It's a tuffy but I am leaning toward what GAG is thinking...I think she is "indirectly" trying to find out if the door is still open...it seems like her statements are really questions...IDK

You've got time....no rush

TG,

My friend...be like the tight rope walker.....hang your pole over each side of the wire and STAND tall!

I do agree with the others that overall the discussions sounds like projection of self pity. This also may be a very important time for you to listen without expectations. I wouldn't even recommend validating....just listen and hear. Remember that you cannot be her white knight, she needs to do that for herself, but at the same time you can hear how she feels.

In another relationship I am very familiar with the wife stood tall at this point. She listened, but did not give in or stop DB'ing.....she lived her life and treated her husband as a friend. In my opinion she successfully showed her husband that the door was open, yet she was not going to pull him through it. The choice was his to enter or walk away...I recommend the same for you. Keep doing what you are doing......do what YOU feel comfortable with.....

Thanks buddy. I think this is what I will do.

There was, for a moment, that old TG wanting to rescue but I quickly recognized it.

I even said to her when she said she couldn't be around my friends and family, that she didn't feel welcome, I said that is up to you, I can't help you with that.

I stopped myself from convincing her it is worth it.

I only spoke of my own feelings.

Let her own hers and work through them.

I think it is best for now for me just to listen.

Thanks all of you for your words.

I will keep you posted...

"I stopped myself from convincing her it is worth it."

Bravo to you!! That is probably the hardest thing to do for any of us if we are put in this situation. But it's the right thing to do. Unless she comes to understanding on her own that it's worth it, she'll never meet you halfway. Good for you.