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Thank you all for your words and encouragement.

I am still feeling pretty low today. I am crying at the drop of a hat. With no contacat with her at all yesterday, I get a text first thing this morning asking if I have taken the papers to a lawyer yet. I asked her if she wanted me to be gone when she comes and see's the dogs. She said no, she wanted to show me how to use the sprinkler system. She then asked if I was going to see her parents today as she was going this afternoon. I told her yes and asked what time she was going...back and forth like this as she didn't quite understand what I was saying. Finaly, I got my meaning across that I was seeing them today and will go before she gets off from work.

Her texts today just seemed so cold. I probably shouldn't have done what I did, but at least I did it in a DB way...I wanted to know why she was so cold. So instead of stating that the texts sounded like that, I said I hope I'm misreading the resentment and hatred in your texts. She responded that I was and that ahe has no hate at all for me. She only wants the best for me and for me to be happy. I left it at that. But in my mind, I keep saying that if you really want that, come back to me and we can BOTH be happy.

I honestly didn't know divorces went this fast. It's been 5 weeks since she told me and I think the papers will be signed this week.

I have got to pull myself together. I need to be strong when she comes over tomorrow. I need to be my best and be positive. She needs to see the new me without the sadness.

Yes you do. You CANNOT let her see weakness because they DO NOT feel sorry for us. No matter what they say, I believe that they thing we deserve what we are going through because in their heads they believe we put them through hell for a number of years.

This may or may not be true and it usually isnt true. We all made mistakes, NO DOUBT, but that doesnt justify giving up and having an affair. IT just doesnt.

So, its up to you to be strong and confident, Dont KISS her a$$ as she will know. Be the best you that you can be. Be polite , and aware but dont persue. She will run, believe me, this is such a broken record in my sitch that it is almost comical now if the stakes werent so high.

9

Brian -

Remember - it's not over until YOU say it's over.

Stay strong. You're getting better and stronger every day. Don't forget that. I've been following your thread, and you've come SOOOO far. Keep the DB mojo going.

Thanks 9...I hope her and I just get a chance to sit and talk about nothing for a while. There are so many 180's I'm doing, she can't miss some of them. I'm telling you, I did NOTHING in our M. Now, my finances are straight (actually have a savings), I have organized my filing cabinet, the house is spotless, I am losing a lot of weight (6 more pounds from yesterday). The only thing I am not getting practice/show her is my new skills when it comes to arguing (or my lack of arguing period now). At least she can see my listening skills.

I just have to keep reminding my self that this is a marathon and not a sprint. The D is going to happen and so will her relationship with OM. When that ends, I hope she can still see me. Maybe 6-12 months is what I'm thinking.

Brian....

9 is spot on and whether the WAS has an affair or not, there is NEVER an acceptable reason to just walk out - at least IMHO.

I am in the same struggle as you are in terms of having my H see the new and improved me because he lives in NJ and we don't really communicate. Having said that, someone on here said that you can have those actions shine thru your conversations. I believe that to be true because you can react to ANY conversation you had with your S as you have in the past, or you can react differently. They will take notice. So ALWAYS remember that.

When I spoke to my H on Monday night about taxes, it was the first time I spoke to him on the phone since Nov. (that has been the last time I saw him). At every opp that I had, I made sure that I asked him to help with some decisions, I thanked him for plugging in my W2 info and told him I noticed he had done that etc. It's doing something different. I was such a control freak in my M; we def were not working as a team thanks to me. Had I recognized this sooner, I could've taken alot of unnecessary stress off myself and I believe I could've saved my M.

Can I still save it even after my D? I believe that I can. As I have said, we have to come to accept that the old M wasn't working and that it has to end to hopefully start growing some healthy roots again.

I know Brian that you are hurting. I wanted to die when I got served. My whole world came crashing down around me and I felt 100% guilt 24/7. But, with a great C, Michele's book and this forum, I am SO much healthier that my H is the one who is missing out on a great person. When you've been doing this behavior mod stuff over a long period of time, you realize that it becomes a way of life and the old Brian you knew is so fragmented that you won't remember him. And that's good!

We are here for you and stay strong.

Brian, they are just pieces of paper. They do not define you. Stick around and get stronger, cause I’m counting on you to remind me of that in a few weeks.