Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Status of EA

Thanks Green. I agree, the OM is certainly there validating her feelings, probably even whether he agrees with her or not. All part of the fantasy world that they live in. I do spend alot of time validating compared to before. Previously I would try and fix her problem/concern by offerring advice vs listening and acknowledging her issue.

In the past when she would complain about me I would get very defensive. Now I simply acknowledge the issue and tell her that I need to do a better job in that area etc. Not sure whether she notices the new approach or not.

Today is our 19th wedding anniversary. My wife is out of the country with her father travelling. Emotionally I don't feel anything today. She has been calling each night to check on how we are doing. I doubt that she will mention it and I don't have any expectations that she will.

Her trip is not going as well as she thought. My wife is a very difficult person to live with and her quirks and phobias are coming out in the trip. I won't go into details, but it shows that where we ended up in our marriage is not just my fault. Her dad is having a hard time dealing with her over just a 10 day period, never mind what I have had to cope with over 19 years. I know that I did not choose the correct path to deal with these issues but she has not made any effort over the course of our marriage to try and deal with them either.

I am going to address the OM issue when she gets back. I think that it is time for her to get another reality check and that I need to stand up for myself and maintain my self respect. The more I think about it, the more strongly I feel that if she wants to live the rest of our lives as roommates then she has to do it without the benefit of having an emotional support outside of our home.

Good!

Punchy
Good for changing your approach and standing up for yourself. Just be careful of how the confrontation goes. WAW's are experts at turning OM confrontations on you. She will most likely accuse you of not trusting her, snooping, attempting to control her, and not caring about her needs. (All which are probably true at some level). A good confrontation can end the EA, a bad one will put them together on the same team against you. I'd recommend getting some advice before doing it so you don't do more harm than good. Maintaining your self respect is one of the DB goals, just make sure you go about dealing with OM the right way. Not saying to back down, just outsmart OM.

Thanks for the heads up. I need to approach this carefully. Advice I have received in the past is to set boundaries and not ultimatums. Also need to make sure that I do not speak negatively of the OM because she will only defend him.

The frustrating part about all of this is that she is the obe who is doing something that is totally wrong and disrespectful to me and my family yet I am the one who is being made to feel awkward about bringing up the topic. Does not seem right, but I accept that this is way it has to be.

Also need to make sure that I am leaving the door open to the marriage and not driving her away. Not an easy task.

Punchy,

I've read two threads of yours and am so impressed with your efforts, and the efforts of so many men here, (and over so many months!) Good for you.

My h left for Alaska and was gone 2 years...it's crucial to have a realistic time frame. I think you do. (I am amazed at people who expect changes to new behavior after a week. Not gonna happen)
You'll be a better man no matter what. Maybe those changes will benefit a future woman, which would be your w's loss. But as a wife, I know it would bother me to know my h was finally all I wanted him to become, only to give that to a new woman. It'd be like I got the "practice h" and not the finished product or real h.

Anyway, Long ago I had what I guess was an EA. It almost morphed into a PA but for the sake of time here, let me just say it didn't progress-mainly b/c I woke up, (without help from h). But here's what I wanted you to know.

While I was in the EA, I felt almost totally justified. Even now I find myself with mixed emotions. On one hand I see how crazy I was (what the heck was I thinking?? I hardly knew the OM & we had very little in common. Plus, by the way, we were talking about adultery...OMG! What happened to MY values??).

OTOH, My h was doing his internship when we had 2 little ones and I worked full time, during a war and we were both military. He was gone way too much, and was way too tired and grumpy when he was home. He fell asleep on the floor within minutes of arriving, lost his temper a lot, he was NOT kind or loving and this was not a few weeks of behavior I'm discussing. So yeah, when OM gave me attention and focus at this exact time in my life, it actually seemed like a gift from above!! (ironic, I know). I felt that H pushed me into the arms of OM. He had hurt me deeply over time, and I saw myself as a truly neglected w. While I believe that was accurate, I can say it now without bitterness. It was what it was. My reaction wasn't right. But yeah, h neglected me and the kids for a few years there. It was horribly tough. While a woman is in an EA (and PAs are EAs as well b/c we don't do Physical well without emotional connections) she not likely to feel as if there was no reason. The women I know who had affairs ALL felt justified. (All of them!)

Anyhow, I never told h of this b/c I worked it out on my own, with help from good friends and a minister and shrink. Per their advice, this was something h would not benefit from knowing.

But if my h had found out and tried to guilt me, back then, I would have probably gone full blown with OM. Why? B/C I would want to be "right". I resented how h was treating me and yes, it WAS a symptom of an unfulfilled wife that I'd even think of an A. If he'd gone public in an attempt to humilate me (vindictiveness is NOT attractive) I probably would have filed for divorce. I know i'd have resented it a lot.
But my guess is I would have felt cornered and would have defended my choices and maybe in order to "prove" the validity of my choices, I'd have gone ahead full steam.

Guilt? I had it and it motivated me but it was privately dealt with. Don't underestimate the possibility your w has guilt. She may handle it differently and resent it, (often the one who makes you feel guilt is the target of anger). But she has to have felt it, at least as a mother.

I know how unfair my potential reaction may sound. I am saying that at that time, in the EA, that's how I believe I would have reacted if confronted or condemned by the person who had hurt me so much, and in my mind THEN, was the person truly responsible for the EA.

So why didn't I go for it with OM??

Aside from my self image as a moral person (and how incompatible an affair would be with that image) The single image that most kept me married was the one of my kids and h crying if I said I was leaving the M for OM. That killed me. And imo, no mother is unmoved by the loving interaction of her children, with their father. It's absolutely a turn on. So even though a ton of people have posted to you about what to do,[b] I merely wish to remind you that being the best father you can be, is of paramount importance and is NOT unnoticed by your w. .
[/b]
I suspect your w has seen the effort you have made, and is appreciative. But that doesn't mean you should go on as roomates indefinitely. I can't say what to do about that, but I recognize her original complaints.

If she believes your changes are real, and not merely tactics to get her back, and she sees the loving r's you have with the children, if it were me, I'd want to work on the M. The contact with the OM is debatable from my standpoint. Yes he should go, but there's the upside which is that the more she gets to know him in real life, the more she'll realize he's not as perfect as he may seem to be. He has flaws, not all of them are yours. You won't lose in all the comparisons. I wonder, If the average full time affair takes 6 months, then does a part time one take longer to fizzle out??

Side issue- I wonder what your w would think if she saw the benefits of your changes & the new you, given to some OW...or at least that you'd consider dating sometime soon.

Childish as it may seem, I think the realization that OPs find our spouses desirable wakes us up, validates our choices and helps the M.

My former BIL left my sister after 3 kids and 22 years. In their m, my sister was the giver and he was the taker. It took 2 years after their divorce for my ex bil to wake up. Why did he? Well she remarried a man who really gets her. Her ex h came to her a month before her new marriage and confessed how badly he had screwed up and that he "got it". I believe him and she and I both feel sorrow for him.

But she had come to see what a healthy R was, & she simply could not go back to the prior M she'd had with her ex h. He lost her forever, but he really did her a favor. Honestly, as hard as the div was on their children, once it was over there was no gain to be had by going backwards. And I truly believe My former bil would never have awakened without my sister remarrying. She IS happier today. Former BIl, not so much...but please note, our success as LBSers, is not measured by the misery of our ex spouses, but by our own happiness and growth as people.

The fact that none of your friends know of the problems means she has avoided hearing what other women think of you or a mother leaving her marriage. That won't go over well. (Are others noticing your changes or was your temper a private matter?) I'm asking to see if it's possible that other women would say positive things about you. Does her family know anything? Interesting that her father is having a hard time with her for 10 days. I bet she misses you. I know my sister said at the time, "this hard work of h's won't last forever" and that although times were tough, which they were, h and I were a good match. (She was right.)

So Remember the big picture here/long haul. That includes Your d's first date, her prom, her wedding, you being present for all these events, and dancing with her at her wedding after you walk her down the aisle, etc. Visualize in detail, that Picture, with your wife at your side, and then picture that without your w, BUT WITH YOU HAPPY IN EITHER SCENARIO...and go from there. Hope this helps.
Good luck,
j

25yrs what an inspirational post!
Hearing from the spouse who had the EA helps so much to us guys dealing with our facebook loving spouses. It really makes us feel like what we are doing works and has hope. I myself am a military man so I understand a lot of the stress you are talking about. Thank You for your post and please keep sharing your wisdom.

25

Thank you for taking the time to review my threads and providing me with some great insight. I am about to leave shortly to go and pickup my wife at the airport. I have a great 10 days with my kids and part of me is sad that she is coming back.

These past 10 days have been a great break from the day to day pain of the past 18 months. I really appreciate your comments and they have given me a lot to think about.

I am really struggling with what to do about the OM. I agree that my actions drove her to him. On the otherhand it has been over a year and half since the old me has left. She no longer has any reason to keep the affair going because of my actions. The contact continues because she wants it to.

I think I may just ask her the status of the EA and let her know that I am aware it is continuing. I will not give her an ultimatum, I will simply state that what she is doing is wrong and disrespectful.

The other option is to just keep plugging along. Part of me believes that she has not made any effort to return to the marriage is because the OM is still lurking in the background, providing a nice fantasy world vs the harsh and painful reality of trying to rebuild a marriage.

I am going to re-read your post and think this through more carefully. Once again, thank you for taking the time to provide me with some great advice and insight.

if you do confront her, and I can't say whether you should at this point but if you do, you have to bring up how it's not just you she's hurting. There are children involved. I know she doesn't want to hear that but tough. I guess I don't see a reason to bring OM up if you are also NOT ready to "do" anything about him.

What's the point? To show her you'll still put up with it? To push in both your faces that you are tolerating the intolerable? I have a hard HARD time believing it has not gotten physical, if that matters to you. I don't know that it should, but to some men, the reality of a physical affair motivates them more than feelings.

All I'm saying is before you confront, have some clarity about what you're going to do if she is or isn't with OM. Be ready. Otherwise it's an exercise structured for failure.

Good luck and I agree that if the old you left over a year ago, she's really got no right, even in the world of the EA fantasy. You changed. The marriage can improve with effort from both. So now what's the problem?
j

Although she denied it, I do believe that it had progressed to a PA. I can accept this as part of me does acknowledge that I was the cause of it. Had I been there for my wife and been a nicer person all around she never would have looked at another man. For me the EA was more painful than if there was a PA.

I also believe that the PA if it existed is now gone. She really doesn't have the opportunity to be with him. Also, she has stopped wearing her sexy underwear to work and stopped buying Cosmopolitan magazine.

I can accept all of the above, but I can't accept it continuing. I do like your idea about me having an OW. There is a single lady that I know through work. We have known each other for about 2 years and recently we have gone out for lunch quite a few times. We try to get together at least once per month. She is attractive, smart and interested in me. She is curious about my marital status but I havn't discussed to much of it with her. I really like her and our lunches are very enjoyable. Much better than anytime I spend with my wife. Makes me understand why my wife got involved with OM.

I do need to figure out what my strategy and next steps are depending upon her response. Thanks again for your input. It is very timely!

Not much to update on. I still have not asked my wife for an update re status of the OM. I do continue to monitor the situation. From what I have seen, they appear to be moving forward as just friends. As I mentioned previously, my wife has very little if any opportunity now to be alone with him.

She had an excellent opportunity on Friday night re a retirement party for a co-worker. She went to the dinner and was home early. I had fully expected her to take advantage of the situation and stay out late with him etc, but that was clearly not the case.

I have been watching some of the other threads and the advice is consistent in that I should not approach her on the status of the OM. I was feeling pretty down last week and really wanted to confront her. I think this is because it was such as nice break having her being away from the house and the OM, that for once I could forget about the whole situation and just enjoy life.

When she came back, I realized then how painful this whole process is and how much effort it takes on a day to day basis just to keep going going.

May 8 will be the 18 month mark since the initial bomb was dropped. This was the date that I had set with respect to how much time I would invest in this without seeing anything in return.

Will need to consider over the next few days whether I have it in me to keep going for the sake of my 3 kids.