Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Recovering after a same sex affair - Part 4

Sparks, while couple therapy requires openess and honesty, I'd refrain from mentions DB, or your ...tactics. I don't like that word, but it fits.

DB basics: No chasing, pushing, pleading or pursuing.

An idea for you:

Ask the thearpist to teach you both how to talk and listen to each other.

Mine had a great style, circular talking or some big brain pschyo babble name for it. : )

Put your money to work and your thrapist to work for you, have him/her teach you both something.

That sounds like a great idea, Jack. I think it is very important for both of us to gain something through this experience.

We were in couples therapy a year ago (just before and during the start of the A). Our goal was to tune some of our communication methods before our baby arrived. I know now that what I thought was a simple tuning of our relationship ended up being a need for major overhaul. As soon as the A started, my W checked out emotionally to our therapy sessions as well as communication with me. She later told me that we stopped fighting and seemed to improve because she had stopped caring and checked out. Ouch. I guess this what an A does to you.

I mention the past therapy sessions only because it seems as though we would be bringing back new practices with this one. I have a fear that she is still checked out and not looking to work on our communication right now, but I can only try. My therapist did mention to chuck out old practices from past therapy out the window. That was good for both of us to hear.

Wish me luck. I will give this a shot tonight.

Couples therapy update. UGH! A rough one this go round. W came to meeting with a notepad of points she wanted to make.

Started with my W telling me that she felt like the sessions without an agenda were a way for me to flaunt my change. I validated and agreed with her. I explained that I felt the same this last week. I brought something into couples therapy that is best left for my own individual therapy. That is not what I want either, as there is no use talking about change. That is meaningless.

After this she brought up an event where she did not agree on a decision that I made for our S that turned into a brief argument the next day. I had admitted to being wrong but then old her what my thought process was in making the decision. She only wanted to hear my admitting that I did wrong. She felt like me telling her my reasoning was the "old me", and that this just proves that we can't talk about things without arguing. I tried to tell her that I was not making excuses or try to negate her feelings. I agreed that I made a poor choice and only tried to tell her how I came up with that poor choice.

Therapist jumped in and explained that it is the second time the mistake is made that you should be angry about. Since there is no prescedent for the first time, it should be used to get on the same page in case it were to occur again. Since this was the first time, therapist did not think it should be hammered on.

I then brought up a conversation that we had just a few hours later where the two of us could have argued. Instead of arguing, we communicated our thoughts properly, we adjusted to the situation and made compromises, and then we diffused the tension of the topic. I brought it up as a great example of improvement that we are making. W decided to bring up any of the negative points in this one as well. Even though she thanked me after we had the discussion for understanding the situation and making a good choice. Tonight it was all about discrediting.

W was so angry tonight in her words and demeanor. It was almost as if I was being steamrolled. I remember reading one of 2steps posts where the WAS becoming angry once the LBS begins to make changes that they notice. The WAS will then try and find the one time out of ten where the change was not there and drill it. Almost justification for their feelings or lack of belief that they are permanent. Maybe that is where my W is right now. I also read that this is positive that she feels this anger. True?

The session ended up with the parenting coordinator talk. Instead of just briefly mentioning the idea like the other times. She brought up that it pissed her off that I have been dismissing it. I told my W that I never dismissed it. The few times it was mentioned, my W had said that she was contacting this one person. When she found that person was not available, she was trying to find somebody else. That is all I ever knew from the two times it was brought up in our therapy sessions. W is now mad that I did not put more energy into helping her find somebody. This is where my therapist asked if she ever asked me for help. She had not. W went into how important it was for her and something that I seem to dismiss. I told my W that I have hardly dismissed it, and that it has actually been the primary topic of discussion with my individual therapist for weeks. I just have not gotten to a place where I have felt comfortable discussing it with my W. We then went full into the reasons for my hesitations. I explained to my W that I am scared to death this person would justify why W should have our S stay with her full time. W, therapist, and I went back and forth about putting our S needs first. I explained that I was afraid that it would set a precedent if we were to get D. How we had agreed to 50/50 with the intentions that neither one of us wanted to take our S from each other. Through every scenario, it was evident that my W was trying to justify why our S should stay with her without actually coming out and saying it. It was an extremely frustrating talk, and I did the best I could to diffuse it several times. My W was so angry throughout it, and then finally busted into tears. In tears, she said that she was only trying to do what is best for our S. I then got emotional and teared up telling my W had worried I was that she would be trying to talk our S away from me.

Sorry for the long journal. It was one of those where I felt like I was dodging punches the entire time. W was angry. I was calm and trying my best to listen and validate her feelings. She would get more angry and argumentative. Therapist would try to diffuse and keep us on task. It was just another example to show me that my W is simply not in the same place as me right now. I am not sure what is going on. Who is this person?

The quote I was referencing above was actually from MichelleLT on 2steps post. It makes sense, though. My W really showed me that anger tonight. Makes it really difficult to dodge every punch thrown, but it does remind me that I have a long way to go and need to keep trucking.

Having another difficult day today that is probably fallout from therapy last night.

Maybe W was just having a bad week and wanted to pick a fight, but I found it really difficult to DB while she was coming out punching. If these topics were not as important, I would be more willing to listen, validate, and agree to her requests without conflict.

The trouble was that the items she came out swinging with had to due with co-parenting. The biggest piece of it all came when discussing her desire to meet a parenting coordinator. How do I set that boundary? My W and I agreed to 50/50 custody the night that the A was revealed. She now feels as if it is not working. I feel she is wanting to use a third party to warrant her desires for taking full physical custody of our S. I am not okay with this. How do I possibly stick with DB tactics and avoid this conflict when it is so precedent setting?

Hmmm Sparks, just a random thought. If your wife has "full" custody instead of 50 percent, what does that do to child support? Is she trying to push for financial support/not having to work?

I may be in a minority here but I agree with you that her having full custody right now would set an agenda if a divorce happened.

In the case of children and custody, I say, do what is in the best interest of the child and if that means you can't DB successfully about that with her than the DB works come off and you fight for what is in the best interest of your child

My W and I have not talked about child support or anything financial at this point. Even right now, she is trying to make it work on her own salary. She makes close to half that I make, but she has been determined to do it on her own. We also kept our joint account specifically for your S with the plan to split his expenses. Maybe I will be blind sided by a financial agenda on her side, but I really do not see that as the case right now.


Thanks for checking in, figg. From my understanding, this would set a precedent if we were to D. A judge would be more willing to keep up with the custody agreement up to that point as long as the child is doing well. It would be difficult for me to reverse that if she were to get full physical custody.

If my W really had an agenda for all of this, the move to full physical custody would also have an impact on the county where the D would occur. Currently I live just inside a VERY conservative county. Since my S has never had another permanent residence, a D would almost have to happen in my county. My W may have gotten her apartment down the street, but it is in another county where the big city is. That county is much more progressive. It would GREATLY benefit her to have the D in that county. Her therapist and ours has explained to her that a same sex affair would not go over well in my conservative county if it were to get down to it. That is why I agreed with my W to split custody and agreed in advance to a mediation driven D if it were to ever get to that. I told my W that I would never want a messy D with our S on the middle and she agreed. Now that she is trying to change that agreement, I am a little irked.

It will be a big boundary, but I believe it is one that I have to keep even if it does not benefit my DBing. I can see her putting the boxing gloves back on if I were to set that boundary. I will have to stick with my guns on this one but avoid her punches and stay calm. Tough task.

Better feelings this weekend.

My W came by early yesterday morning to pick up our S and take him to see her parents a few hours away. I took advantage and worked an overtime shift yesterday to make some extra money. I then went out an had a great night out on the town with some friends. Nice steak dinner. Went to a great concert. Had a few beers. Really got my mind off of my sitch. It was almost like a reset button.

I woke up today, and instead of going out on the boat with some friends, I stayed home and worked in the yard all day. Busted my arse but got a ton accomplished.

W drove back in the early evening to drop off our S. I had not bothered her with texts or calls the entire weekend. She called today a few times to keep me updated on her trip back in town. When she got here, I kept everything upbeat. Super casual. She did not stay long, but I think it was a positive encounter.

I spent a few quality hours with my baby boy. He was all smiles tonight, so we had a blast playing. I gave him some serious crawling lessons, but so far, he is only going backwards. I put him down a bit ago. Now time for dinner and maybe a movie.

I need to start off tomorrow morning with some exercise and keep it up!! No excuses. I had forgotten, but I agreed to join a friend prepping for a triathlon set this summer. Great GAL opportunity. Time to get started!

sparks - Good luck with prepping for the triathalon! I think you're exactly right - fantastic GAL opportunity. It will do wonders for your mental health.