Divorcebusting.com Forums Divorcebusting.com Archives For Newcomers Archives It's Time To Rock; Part I

So many people state that the WAS must Feel some sort of loss if they are to come out of the fog. I know every sitch is different. In my sitch, it is going to do me no good to stand by and be a good friend to my W while she lives out her A. She told her mom that she considers me a very close friend...let me tell you. She is going to feel the loss of her close friend.

Well last night wasn’t a good start if going truly dark is my best course of action at this point. W started texting me during her lunch break last night, and I was quicker to respond than I have been, guess I was just kind of bored. Anyways, we ended up texting back and forth for about 30 minutes. All small talk, 90% about our D.

I guess I do still have hesitation on changing gears right now; I was able to get a coaching session for tomorrow night, so we will have a lot to discuss. I am sure it sounds stupid, but I kind of feel like I am getting nibbles. Since last week, her contact with me has changed a bit. Much longer messages, small things that do not concern our D, and just a different tone. She gets an hour for lunch; she spent half of that time with me, that means OM got at the most the other half. Again, just typing this sounds naïve, but it feels like something.

I know in my last coaching session the coach noted that 3 months is usually the absolute earliest feelings for OM may begin to change, I am at 2.5 months right now. I know that if I am to simply wait that out, we could easily be talking 6 months or more. The question I have, if I go dark, is there a possibility I speed that process up? That is what I have a hard time understanding.

For me personally, if I think about what I want, I don’t really mind the friend zone I am in. It is not tearing me up; I am in a pretty good spot most days anymore. I think that going dark would be harder on me, but it is tough to say.

I really do appreciate all of the advice; I guess I have always been one to take my time before making important decisions, that is why I am contemplating my direction so much.

Was the coach referring to after the A has ended that is would take at least three months?

I find it hard to believe your W will change very much that quickly if she's left her H and family to be with OM. That's a pretty serious step to make. I guess OM could do something real bad that might cause her to change her mind about him, but I wouldn't count on it too much.

She was referring to the length of time people experience that euphoric high associated with the “in-love” emotions of a new relationship. She really emphasized that time is my best friend through all of this. She believes that once my W comes down off of this high, she will at least then be able to start questioning her decision. Of course this does not in any way mean she will change her decision, just that she will at least begin to see things more logically, less affected by the emotions of the new R.

This is why she wanted me to stay in the “friend zone.” She believes that if I am there, in good standings with her when this happens, this will help my chances of her deciding to give us another chance. I guess the other benefit of this; she is in no hurry to file for D. There is no waiting period to file in CA, so she could have since day 1, but has not. In the beginning she was dead set on it, now she never brings it up. This at least continues to buy me time that my coach sees as so important.

With all of that said, I still need to consider changing course. I will talk to my coach a lot about that tomorrow night. I have a feeling though, she will advice me to stick with what I have been doing, but we will see.

Country no words of wisdom from me just wanted to stop and and say I have the upmost respect for you. Dealing with OM and an A and still holding on is def tough to do. You are a better man than me.

Friendship is key and a foundation any R can be built on

There is no waiting period to file in CA ReallY? I thought it was 6 months

Interesting about the A and the 3 months. If my H is having an A (long didtance) we are just about at the 3 month mark. While things are not any better they are different. Good luck.

Thanks 2step, words of encouragement all always appreciated. We all need all of the strenght we can get to manage through such a difficult time.


If I am not mistaken, the 6 month period is the time from when the D is filed to when it becomes final. However, there is no waiting period to file the D.

CS, if you can't follow simple instructions like "Do not respond to texts" then she will continue to do what's she's doing.
Is that what you want?

You should only be replying to texts that pertain to the safety of your D.
I'll have more in a bit.

Gr8, you have me at the edge of my seat here!

Country,
I think it is a very good sign that our Ws have not filed for D yet. There is no waiting in the state I live in either. I know if I was sure about something like that, it would probably be on e of the first things that I did.

Sometimes I let the fact the my W has nit filed negatively influence my thoughts about how I should act. I start to ge afraid that if I make her mad, she will go file. I remind myself at that time, I am not in control, and she may file no matter what I do.