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Well that was odd.

Had our usual MC session this morning. things have been going pretty good for us lately. We didnt' have much to talk about during the session. Toward the end, the MC says "Well, you guys don't need me anymore."
I think we both kinda didn't really hear it , but then he repeated it. He added that if rough or we were stuck "he wasn't going anywhere." I think we are both a little nervous at the idea, but mostly okay.
Our MC had a HUGE hand in getting us "unstuck." I am very thankful for him.

Toward the end my W said, " I thought we had a great marriage before, but maybe we needed to go through this (the last year) to have a better marriage."

That is fawesome Harrier. How are you feeling about it?

Great news, Harrier!

Honestly, I don't know how I feel about it. On one hand, I'm glad that our MC sees the potential in our relationship. All throughout the MC, he would always say "you guys are going to make it."
Yet, on the other hand I feel a bit like riding your bike for the first time without training wheels. My W and I talked about this a little and we kinda had the same perspective.

=======
Got a little reminder of how things have changed and how they still have a ways to go. I think when things are hitting on all cylinders , it's easy to forget where you are.

Okay, last weekend I brought up the sex issue. To my surprise, my W said something to the effect that we could start that up again. Okay so last Sunday, we ML (first time in 11 or so weeks). So Wednesday, I ask her again. She says Okay. Saturday, I push too much. (I'm thinking things are good, so why not) She says probably not that night, but maybe Sunday night. I did sense a weird shift in her mood.

Now I think a few months ago, I would have been really pissed at this and took it like she was rejecting me. But I just said okay.
She went to bed early and I didn't flip out on her.

So on Sunday, she's sitting on the couch and I come up behind her give her a hug. She kinda bristles, but I didn't really notice. Later on she apologized for her reaction to the hug, say that she feels like sometimes we are moving too fast towards closeness, but that we aren't there yet.

Sunday night, we finish watching Date Night, and she says "You ready to go upstairs." I stop her and say "I thought about what you said and maybe I am pushing things a little too much. We don't have to do anything tonight."" She says "I'd tell you if I didn't want to."

So we are lying the bed and she says "Can we just lay here for a min." "Okay," I say. Then she launches into it. She said that she feels kinda weird to be trying to move back into a regular sex life so quickly. I acknowledge what I've been doing too much pushing.

She's also been having a little problem with the closeness factor as well, like the surprise hug from that morning.(I've notice this as well) She says that it will take time and it's nothing against me. She said that she feels bad because she doesn't want me to feel bad about. I say it's okay because this is the communication we need. I also say that I do feel a little hurt, but it's not major.

She feels like she has no control over the sex part and that I"m not giving her a chance to initiate. She also said it was stupid to feel that way because ultimately she can say "yes" or "no" and that I was great when she did say no. I tell her that I will leave 100% of the initiating to her until she feels better about that. She says no. But wants to do an every other time.

She she decides to just go to bed. She gives me a hug and kiss. I think we are okay. No one was hurt or po'ed..

I look at it and we handled things totally different. We talked, were honest and open. She felt that she could say no to me and trust that I wouldn't freak out. I rewarded that trust by behaving appropriately. I trust that she will want to ML again and let me know.

then last night she sleeps as close to me as she's done in a while.

Well apparently, I got fired from my IC as well. My session was today and we agreed to start cutting back on 1x month.

Man.

I am very low today. For some reason, Bolt's recent posts have gotten me bummed out and frankly scaring the h-e-l-l out of me. This isn't a pity party b/c Bolt has it 1000X worse. XYZ has taken a leave and I feel like I could be next.

I know ever situation is different and you shouldn't compare, but I just spent a lot of time over the past 12 hrs or so wondering about my situation. I know it's not good. It didn't help that my W and I had a minor argument on Wednesday. Plus she was really down this morning because of the weather, work, etc.

I have NO reason to believe that things aren't moving in a positive direction. I just need to really appreciate where I am right now.

Welcome to the worst part of empathy Harrier.

The good news is that you have it, and it is an awesome tool. Most guys, I really do not think are selfLESS enough to develope it.

The downside, how your feeling now.

The upside, it is very easy to see things from another's POV.

Minor argument, not a major one.
She was down because of work and weather, not you...

Let the small things build up and it will affect your day and mindset. Or...realize they are small things, address them, and effect your day in another direction.

Yeah, yeah: Rah rah cheerleader stuff...

Maybe it is, depends if you try it.

Pity parties are OK, but don't turn them into a day long affair.

Harrier, you've been making great progress - I hope this feeling passes soon!

Hello...ello..ello.

I guess it's a little of talking to myself. I think I've been reading too many stories on here of people who thought things were fine...then BOOM! It all falls apart.

I find myself looking for small signs again from my W and have a small panic if I don't see them. This is not good. But I am better about handling it. i really like what Still Learning posted about MWD thoughts on piecing. Specifically, don't get invested in every interaction.

I do have a question for the vets, if any?

About ML, so we have ML three times in the past 2 weeks. First 2 times where great. But Last Sunday, My W stopped us before we started at said she wanted to slow down with ML. I agree. Then she initiates last night and it felt kinda quick as she wanted to go to bed after. I think maybe she felt some obligation.

But she did say last night that she things it will take some time to "hit our stride." Is the feeling around ML normal?

It's like communication Harrier. It's going to take some time to find a pattern you both understand in each other and then determine if you are going to be able to talk the way that she listens to.

Same thing with sex.

And since it is ALL about communication anyway.

You'd rather have a willing partner right...or better yet an enthusiastic one. I know I do.

More than likely:
You want sex more often than she does.
She wants sex less often than you do.

Down the road, I'd suggest you bring up "The Sex Starved Marriage." Which...while the book is awesome, it is or can be very off putting to the spouse who wants sex less. Hell I prepped my wife before I introduced it. Editorial aside.

Last night? Good for you? Feelng like she rushed it?

Probally not.

Do you decline? Or are you like a puppy when the fridge opens?
"Maybe! Maybe! Maybe, he'll give me the steak!!!"

We (seems like), you and I are similar. More is better.
But I toned it down, Quality over Quantity.
Hell for Quantity I got hands.

I told my wife, "I'd rather you feel comfortable, than feel pressured. And any feeling of obligation, that's a lose lose for me." It's lose because if she doesn't enjoy it, I don't enjoy it, and feel selfish. It's lose because anything that feels like a chore IS a chore and can become resentment.

Now?

When I'm in the mood. Instead of:
"Lets have sex tonight."
it's:

"I'd really like to go to bed early with you one night this week."

She usually agrees, but I attach no hard expectation on it. If she agrees, and a week passes, yeah I get a bit bothered, but I can only blame myself if I get upset...and it's passive agressive if I'm mad without telling her why.

AND it usually is that night or the next night.

I know she isn't ready to go at the drop of a hat. My wife's mental state has to be in the right place. If I want sex, it's in my best interest to help her get there, or at least understand why she isn't there.

Is it normal at this stage?

You're finding you feet, so is she. And this IS a compromise.
You want more, but should settle for less.
She wants less, but should give more.

So yeah.