Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Piecing Our Marriage Back Together Again Piecing is almost harder than before #2...

GREAT quotes here. Now let's put those into practice. I'm so good at words...getting better at practice.

Glad to see you are actively CHOOSING to going back to feeling good. That is a huge step in the right direction!

Since we seem to have a lot of West Coast/Late risers, I'll get the ball rolling this week.

Not much new to report. Things progressing. It's strange the last 4 days my wife has continued with the small physical affections.
I remember when she didn't kiss me for 6 weeks and hugged me for longer.
Now she has kissed me everyday and hugged me as well. Last night she gets a little cozy with me on the couch. Plus she said ILY a lot more.

I feel really good about where things are headed. I had minor setback on Sat. night. I remember when a setback would hurts us for weeks. Now they are addressed and we move on the next day.

She said something interesting to me on Saturday. She said she was lying in bed and for the first time in a long time she didn't have to worry about anything with us.

These are def. steps in the right direction. But I wonder if we always have to feel like we are making the steps. We do have a ways to go. We still haven't ML yet. and I still feel insecure/worried at times. I wish I could shake those feelings.

Hope everyone's weekend was good too.

Harrier, well my blog site skills must be improving b/c I found your thread. Guess I can take the training wheels off now, eh? I am struggling now with all the things you have gone through - exactly the same. I have lots of down days, plenty of those moments of panic you mentioned, and some times when I want to scream about how unfair it is. Especially this week! Really, some of the things I have in front of me seemed impossible until I read how it's working for you. I'm going to consider you, Bolt, XYZ, and JTB my lead blockers, if you don't mind. I'm really happy you're making good progress with this. Won't hijack the thread but I'll be following along.....

SL-

I just wanted to respond to a couple things in your thread.

1. You asked how we had these deep conversations with it going wrong. The short answer is ... we didn't. They almost always went off track which is why the painful things came out. But I always started to talk off gently (Yes, i brought up a lot of these counter to DBing). They always ended gently too. they did get heated during, but I and to some extent my W felt they were somewhat productive. I like you came off looking bad in a lot of these.

Damn it, I hit return too soon.

Anywho. My W isn't big on talking about feelings either or the past. But she has done it in these talks. My W has agreed to Couples therapy, after she refused to do it. She also accepted responsibility for the for the EA and apologize for it multiple times. She knows she had a role in our marriage issues. So that helps for me. My W is also a psychologist, so she knows about depression/anxiety and doesn't consider it a weakness.
Does your W acknowledge the issues facing your marriage?

I re-read most of your situation and it's kinda painful to see it unfold. Why? Because you are exactly where I was. I had the same thoughts and feelings about my W and the OM, even before it turned ugly. I did the same talks with myself about my W. I know about the broken promises too, my wife said we'd move back to our home state lots of times and even when she got a job offer there we didn't go.

I did a lot of crappy stuff like checking her emails, texts and phone records. No matter what I found it was a problem for me. Even if the email was just a little too friendly. Her answer was to lock me out of that stuff, which created it's own set of problems.

My W would buy new clothes, then wear those clothes the day she was going to work with the OM. She always tried to look her best for those days. She lost a bit of weight and looks great. It s*cked and I hated it. Made me anxious, scared. But my W also reassured me during those times saying that she wasn't going anywhere and she loved me. And did make an effort for me. But my reaction to it only highlighted the difference between me and the OM for her. I felt like I was competing (and losing) with him on every level. Later on, my W scoffed at this. She said it wasn't even a competition as I was always ahead in her book.

Everything in my W's work last year was new and exciting and she gave so much energy to it, I felt she had little for us - me and the kids. I also started to get mad for her abandoning our boys, as I saw it.

I will say that has worn off a lot for my W.

I wish I had some good answers for you. I will say your imagination is your own enemy now. It can get better. I am learning to trust my wife more and more. I'm still not 100% there. Sadly, I think your W will have to come to what is going on by herself, especially if she's in a fog. The best you can do is NOT give her a reason to want to chose OM.

You can try assess the situation too. She is with you. She hasn't said she wants out. She has a connection with you and 3 boys too. Is she still having any physical affection for you? If so that's a plus. It's good to have someone to confide in, I chose my Bro as well, in addition to my IC. lastly, give yourself permission to be mad, sad and worried at times. Not with W is around.

I do agree with your Bro. You need to address the the things that bug you that your W does. you can do it in a way that's respectful, yet strong and confident. What would your W say to you if, you were doing what she is doing? Would she back down?

Hey X how are you doing brother?

Still, are you actually 'piecing'? Cause...its a totally differnt ball game if you are not.

Guess I'll check your thread to find out.

Harrier, wow...nice posts. Its like you have this new found awareness. : )

JTB. Thanks

I had a strange revelation last night. Maybe that's it. My W has been sick/stressed from work all week. I was getting a little needy about wanting to spend time, but I did the good thing and told her to go to bed early. I took care of the kids and let her sleep in a little this morning. (She thanked me with a hug and a kiss)

So I have a lot of free time in the evenings. I was running on the treadmill and a thought came to me. What would I be doing if none of the last had never happened? It occurred to me, I'd be doing the EXACT same thing. Letting my W rest, taking care of the kids, then taking care of me. I'm sure a smile crept on my face and I felt a sense of peace.

Harrier, I promised I wouldn't hijack your thread so I'll try to keep this short. The similarities are scary. My W is doing ALL of this. The clothes she wears when meeting with her boss are her "look at me" clothes, tight everywhere - it's like a fashion runway. I should take photos. I feel physically ill b/c it's obvious none of this is for me. And I know when the boss isn't in - she wears pants or jeans like everyone else in the office. She lost weight and very concerned about it not coming back. I feel like I am competing, and losing also.

Does my W understand my anxiety? She know about anxiety from family members who have mental illness. She associates this with that.

Is W affectionate? When I am in DBing mode, ignoring whatever is happening - occasionally. I'm thankful for that. But if her BB is going off or I'm actually expressing something that's not 100% positive - no, she's turned off.

Would my W back down? I have no idea. W says she has never in our entire marriage felt the least bit of jealousy, maybe because I have always been very careful about avoiding any situation where there could be any doubt whatsoever. (I teach at a college - and was taught early on exactly how to avoid any chance of a misunderstanding). Or maybe she doesn't care as much. I dunno.

Well, not so short. Sorry H. Feel like I'm stuck in "in between" time, the time between seeing the something bad is inevitably going to happen and the time it actually happens.

JTBs, Sorry - missed your question. I actually re-read the DR book today - I get it from the library (wish I could get it as an e-book!) - and didn't reread the part of piecing. I don't know if I am or not. The 180 stuff seemed to fit though. I've been focusing on that. When I make it work, it works.

JTB - I'm still here. I took a couple days off from this board. Sometimes I think being here keeps me in a worse place than if I just forget and go along with my day.

I really have nothing new to report. I'm just so damn over it all, I don't know how much longer I can keep this up. W and I get along fine. Good even. But nothing. I can't stand being her roommate. When we separated 5 months ago, it was because I told her that if she wasn't willing to work on the relationship I couldn't be there, it was too painful to see her every day. Well, she is working, but it's just as painful to me now as it was then. I couldn't take the pain then, how can I now? I don't know. Then I saw no work, now I see some, but it's just as painful. And it's hard.

This morning, perfect example. Our son was sitting in my lap when W was leaving for work. W and I had had a good chat in the AM. She comes over kisses S tells him ILY and see you tonight. She looks at me and says "love you, bye" and walks out. Now, ILY is great, and I can't f*ing stand the no kiss. It's like a dagger in my heart every time. I just want to scream out and say "screw it all, I'm done" but I don't. Not sure how much longer I can refrain.

At the same time, is it better than 6 months ago? Absolutely. Will it ever be "back"? I just don't know. If I was 100% confident in that, I would suck up the pain and just take it. A bad year out of 50 is just a bump in the road in the big scheme of things. It's so hard...

Don't I just sound like a little girl? I just need to suck it up and keep working. I love my wife and I can't give up. Jesus, please let it all work out...


Side note: My W is really pissed at my parents. She's never been close to them, but some stuff happened during separation that really hurt W. My parents invited us all over this weekend. W says she won't go, I can take the kids and go. I told W that I understood and was curious if she saw this as a permanent thing. Her reply: "I don't know, all I know is that that's how it is now." That really stung, because I wonder if that's how she feels about us too?