Divorcebusting.com Forums Divorcebusting.com Archives For Newcomers Archives It's Time To Rock; Part I

So you think I should get her a gift?

That would be a pretty big thing for me, I have not initiated any type of pursuing gesture since the very beginning. Tough to know how she might take it...

I don't know if I believe this to be tru.

But anyway,
So you've read men/mars women/venus, right?

There's a topic in there about gift giving. Women keep score differently then men. You could buy her an expensive piece of jewelry or you could go to a local pottery shop and MAKE something for her for less than $25.
It does matter(for the most part) what you give her. For women, it truely is the thought behind the gift. BTW, expensive jewelry and a less expensive gift both equal the same points.

With that being said men like gifts theat are functional, the latest gadget etc.
You need to provide a thoughtful gift that MEANS something to her. If you chose to get her someting get her something that appeals to her emotional side.

Also, if you chose to give a gift make sure you expect NOTHING in return, NOTHING. got it?

That's where you will be disappointed.
NO EXPECTATIONS= NO DISAPPOINTMENTS.

Remember this statement too.

Gr8 is correct, attach no expectations to the gift. None, good or bad.

I really can't think of what I have done that could be perceived as pursuing... If you have an example I would like to know, it has not been my intention.

I'll have to really think about this one. I would appreciate any other opinions. It would be a very different approach to what I have been doing, or at least trying to do.

I can keep myself from attaching expectations to it, I just don't want to push things in the wrong direction.

You want us to agree with you Country?

Aw, you're right, man. You haven't been pursuing her at all. There's no evidence of that in any of your threads anywhere.You know in your heart your not pursuing and chasing and wanting and needing her at all right now, right?

Isn't that the case?

Like, wondering for hours over a thank you or analyzing a text message like you are hanging for your life on every syllable.

You're totally cool, right? Not pursuing anything with her at all.

Tell you what. I don't mind you telling me I'm a jerk if you don't mind me telling you to wake the f*ck up.

There is too much at stake here for you to keep on bullshi*ting yourself and pretending.

Not that I have any kind of experience with doing that myself, or anything... (where is the "rolling your eyes and mocking yourself" icon?)

Whoa, might be time to lay off the crack pipe there Busting….

I think you are very confused about what I am considering pursuing.

I am not saying:
I do not still think about my W.
I do not still analyze her contact with me.
I do not still want her.
Or that I am “totally cool.”

I am talking about what I have shown to HER. Get the difference? Think about it, I am sure with time you can understand…

Hey Sandi, you have had me thinking about this a lot today. Can you please explain further your thoughts about this? Why do you think now may be a good time for me to go this direction? If I do it, how should I go about it? I am thinking if I do it, I will need to find the right time/place. I'm not sure when/where that might be...

No, not right now. I was mostly talking about the LL of gift giving and how most women feel about the "little things".

In reviewing your thread, it seems that your W is experiencing the best of both worlds. Wait up about buying her anything for a while. It is my belief that a WAW in an A must feel some sort of loss in her life in order to make a change in her direction.

At first, it appeared that it was to your advantage that the two of you maintained a good friendship in spite of her her A with OM. But after you mentioned that she is happy-go-lucky with how things stand.....I think you need to pull back some more. She has tested your love for her, but has her love been tested? Apparently, she doesn't think she has anything to worry about. She has two men who want her!

It will be a while, I'm thinking, before you will be at the point of gift giving, but when that time comes, you'll know how to talk to her in her LL.

(hugs)

Thanks Sandi, that actually makes A LOT more sense to me right now.

I am very aware of the "best of both worlds" right now. I have decided to book another DB coaching session for next week to talk about that. It was discussed a lot in our last meeting and the coach still thought I should just remain friendly and give my W time for her feelings for OM to fizzle. Not that they will go away, just that the initial chemical reaction part of a new relationship will begin to fade at some point.

I can't completely complain about where this approach has gotten me, I don't do it enough, but when I think back to how she interacted with me at the beginning, the hate, the devil eyes, etc, to the way it is now, it is a huge change. Now I need to see if it might be time to change direction a bit.

I just don't know if there is anything I can do on my end to make her feelings for OM to change, or if it really just comes down to a big waiting game.

The good part is, at least the waiting has become A LOT easier. I still have moments that aren't the best, but I am also able to have a lot of fun again. TBH, I could probably use more time to improve if she ever does has a change of heart.

Thanks again Sandi, your advice on this board is always top notch.

Being nice to a spouse that having an affair will get you nowhere fast.
I'm not saying to be a jerk, but there is a saying about nice guys and where they finish.

The light bulb will go off one day and the LBS will finally "get it".

IMO; What the LBS gets confused is they start learning the WAS LL and try to implement the action. Appeasing the WAS LL after they left is just more pursuing. It actually has a reverse affect on them.

LL works when your in a healthy R.

Stay strong CS. She will continue to "test" you. And when she feels that all her efforts aren't being noticed, that's when she'll see you as someone different.