Divorcebusting.com Forums Divorcebusting.com Archives For Newcomers Archives Need help ASAP- panic attacks

We went to the therapy.

My daughter was n a foul mood this morning. We woke her early, she cried, saying she did not get enough sleep, then at first did not want to go, saying she did not need therapy any longer.

Finally she decided to go. Contrary to what she said, she refused to let me out of the room, and just sat there, answering the therapist with short sentences. She refused to communicate openly, and cried the whole time.

In essence, she said she was worried for me, was feeling closer to me than her dad, was angry at her dad but did not show it, and was afraid that we would soon become a broken family.

She cried buckets more on the drive home.

I have never seen her so ditressed, nor has she ever opened up her feelings to anyone. She always has kept all of it inside of her.

I feel so bad for her, and at this mement, so angry with my H for letting this happen. How can he feel about this, messing both of us up?

To think he took the Hippocratic oath!

Angel,
I know it's h3ll to watch kids suffer like that. From the reading I've done, your D's actions and behaviours in C are pretty common. Adolescents usually really open up later (assuming you have a good C). My S14 is also the type to keep things inside, but he's really opened up to his C, I hope your D does also.

I do hope so. My D was a lot better when I got home last night, and she asked me to sleep in her room as she was lonely, so I did for a while and then left the room early in the morning at around 2:30 AM to go back to our bedroom.

Its back to freeze time at home though. When I speak to H on the phone he seems OK, but whenever I see him at home he is so distant.

Angel,

That your D12 was willing to answer the therapist is really a good sign.

I have a D18 and at times I would describe her as not saying $hit if she had a mouthful. She was in a counseling session with her sister (D16) once or twice and never spoke a word.

My point. Your daughter talking and crying, as hard as it is to see, is a good thing.

When my H was still at home and did the distance thing, i would just go on about my business. If at all possible in another room. If not I would either listen to music or humm.

Your daughter is so lucky she has you.

HUGS

Somebody stop me please from doing smething I will regret later on. I have to go through this slowly and process it. Maybe wait a couple of weeks to see how I feel after we have a few more daya, especially with some "fun" times coming up.

After having a quiet two weeks without H, now that he is back I am again cycling, affected by his presence. Not necessarily his mood - he is the same old H.... it is like something changed inside of me. Something that wants to push him out of my life.

I am really getting so tired of the situation. On top of that, D12 seems tired too, has admitted to being angry at her dad for what he is doing to our family, has told me that she is not sure any longer that she enjoys being with him like before. I am realizing that maybe life without H, just me and D, would be happier.I am feeling trapped in a sense, and am having that "I need to get out, escape from this situation" feeling. Its as if the tables were turned. I have talked about turning into a WAS before but never has the feeling been so strong.

Right now, I want to give up. I was praying so hard this morning after H left, because in my mind I don't want to give up, but my heart, my emotions, are spent. I am ambivalent now - I was so sure of my love all these months, now I don't know. I love him but am repelled by him. I have not felt the urge to touch him, which I used to fight all the time. Never, in the past months, have I felt this way.

I suddenly had a thought this morning - I realized that this is probably how H feels as well about our situation. That horrible feeling of wanting to escape.

I do realize now that there must be something still keeping him with us as he has not left.

Angel,

As I think you know (since you're asking to be talked down!), this is one of those intense feelings we cycle through, the feeling that if we give up and divorce, the pain will magically stop.

Of course, it won't. Divorce is one of the most painful events possible in life--and there's no way to short-circuit the pain: it has to be endured and grappled with. What you're feeling is a reaction to being rejected--but rejecting H in turn won't make you feel less angry, hurt, abandoned, etc. Nor will it magically make D12 feel safer, since it will just be trading one set of emotions for another.

Still, I remember lying in bed beside H feeling exactly as you do. It took incredible energy to stop myself from waking him up and having it out! But I trained myself to calm down and fall asleep, because I'd need sleep to get through the next day. (And I'd had insomnia most of my life.)

I think your insight into your H is invaluable, and that he definitely wants to escape at least as intensely as you do. But, as with you, he's cycling through a series of other states as well.

Hold on tight for the ride, and do something fun with D12 today!

I made it through, Cyrena. By the end of the day I was so exhausted that I just fell aleep right away! Woke up feeling better.

Update ......and needing input!

I started the day calmly, and H decided to go see the tax guy at around lunchtime, telling me to get dressed as well as I may have to follow for signatures. Long story short, we waited for him, did not prepare lunch as we were ready to go out. I asked him what we were doing for lunch and he said lets talk later. D got hungry, ate junk, then I learned he already ate and never told us! This really got me upset. In our household it is sort of understood that H takes care of food, especially as he has always not wanted me to be in the kitchen, he is territorial about it, doesn't even want me to handle his cookware.

This incident led to a long R talk.

I feel that more and more, this mess is getting deeper, and I no longer know what to do next.

This I knew : H is miserable, says he wants his freedom, says it has nothing to do with OW. He is depressed, in pain, can't even talk to me, look at me. He is eaten up with guilt, he knows he is hurting me and D, and he wishes he could just die.

BUT: he has been miserable he says especially the last 4 months since OW cut him off, although they have been talking lately, with him helping OW with her research projects (remember my dream about OW just using him? I have a feeling after what he said that this is probably true). What does this tell me? It IS about OW, really.

He tells me he knows the relationship with OW won't prosper, but he needs to find out for himself. He knows it doesn't make sense but that is how he feels. He says that since our talk last December , where I made him choose between our family and OW, has made him miserable because he is stuck.

He questioned why I can't just let him be free while we are still together. Let him see OW, lift the boundaries I gave him. It would make him less miserable, we would still be his priority since we are his family, we would have a better atmosphere at home. Really now.

My responses to all that:

I let him know that I was in pain too, and that many times I have wanted to give up as well, even also wished myself dead, just like him. It would be the easy path. But not one that I believe in. We both know it is not the right time, he has acknowledged this as well, it will just all make us spiral down into deeper depression, destroy all that we are. Not only financially, but career wise, and also D12's psychological state.

We already had a discussion about our future. I told him I was on the path to acceptance, that I did not want to see him suffering, and we had decided that the best way was for him to support me as I tried to work on my license so that I could have a meaningful existence, without the hassles of my present job and the need to travel a lot. My arbitrary timeline was 2 years for us to sell house, me to go part time so I could review, him to support us with his income and insurance.

In the meantime, while working this all out, I want to be a good parent, I have looked to all the external resources available, have gone to therapy, talked to people who can help me ease my pain so I can function. I feel I have done a pretty good job of it.

He tells me that D12 is his priority as well. He would have gone long ago if not for her, if not for him still wanting to keep the family together, if not for his sense of responsibility as a father. But he is also thinking that with him being so depressed, he is dysfunctional, and bringing more stress to us that help, and maybe it would be better if he just left, but this concept of leaving seems unclear still to him - separation? Legal? Divorce? He keeps on saying though that he wants us to be friends, to be not bitter about it, to be able to be together for special occasions. But in the end, we could not really figure out the best thing, we would get emotional about just chucking it all to the winds, no final decisions were made, I am not going to make that decision for him,and neither does he seem to want to make it, and so I guess we are still status quo.

I pointed out that he is not doing anything to help alleviate the depression he is feeling which makes life really difficult for us! If we had to keep on with our plans, I asked him to then please consider going to MC, or retrouvaille, anything! I pointed out that both me and D12 have already been seeking outside help to be able to cope. And that it does make us feel better. I talked to him about us taking a team approach to make this a better time, to plan what we want to make it easier for D12, to think back to what we wanted her to experience in life, as a precious daughter of loving parents.

A few things I said which I should not, I guess, is to point out that even if he leaves, it does not mean to say that me and D12 won't be miserable. And I talked aboutthe effect that divorce has on the children, because it hurts me that he minimizes it, especially as he should know better, being a doctor himself.

He seems to be afraid that all of this efforts are to make us reconcile. He keeps on asking me if this is so we could get back together again.

I told him that the way I view it, it is to find out if we could make it work. If we can't then at least we know we have tried. Also, it is to make us learn how to handle this next few years, so we could work on being friends before we separate, if we will.

I am not certain why he is so afraid that it might work out again. Because he did say that he prayed a lot before that things would work out OK, he prayed that God would give him feelings for me, but it did not happen. So he feels something for someone else, is not even positive that there will be something that will come out of that, and yet he is afraid to work on our marriage?

Anyway, he did finally agree to try Retrouvaille, and even MC as well. He tried to make a condition for me though - that he would come if I promise not to be bitter if we separate later, but I told him I could not make any promises at this point, and that for me, one of the reasons for doing all of this is to work on not being bitter.

so for NOW:

I think I am more confused than ever. I truly do not know which way to go. I cannot live this way but do not want it to come from me. I think it is the same with him. We are both so miserable.

I cannot even think of how DB fits in. I am still trying to do my 180's, GAL, but what I did over the weekend i know is pursuing and guilting.

Does anyone think going to Retrouvaille, and MC, will be of help for us at this point? We are so stuck.

Angel (not speaking from experience) I don't think Retrouvaille can hurt anything. I have heard good things about the program.
MC - just make sure you see someone who is pro-saving marriages.

From what your H says: "He questioned why I can't just let him be free while we are still together", he still feels trapped. You've got to figure a way to not be his jailer in his perception. You've got to open the cage, no ultimatums, no black and white choices, just remove yourself from the drama.

It almost sounds a bit like my own sitch although your H's OW is not reciprocating, while my W's OM is pursuing. But since granting my W the D, knowing she's torn over scarring the children, and giving her the freedom to stay for them or leave for herself, I am gradually assuming the role of "bystander". I'm getting out of her way. I feel better about myself, even somewhat liberated.

I don't know what to tell you to do, but right now you're guilting him big time. That's a cycle you've got to get out of - dead end or "cheeseless tunnel"

Maybe Retrouvaille or MC will spark a turn around and it is defenitely something you can say afterward that you tried. It's a step worth taking, but there's nothing you can say or do to "cure" your H of whatever he's got and then make him fall in love with you all over again.

He's gonna have to come through this himself. If you want to stop the pain and depression, you and D12 should become bystanders in his drama.

Thank you Pickle. Your sitch has forged ahead with mine and maybe, its less painful that way. But I feel that I am not yet ready, and H also has held on somewhat. I want to let go in a graceful way, not by exploding all over the place and destroying whatever fragile connection we still have. I know I am prolonging the agony.

I will see what Retrouvaille holds for us, if they will take us.

Then after Retro I will kiss H on the cheek, tell him that he should do what he needs to do, what he think will be best for all of us.

I should think he will be armed with enough knowledge to make a wise decision at that point.