Divorcebusting.com Forums Divorcebusting.com Archives For Newcomers Archives It's Time To Rock; Part I

True Dat. At the risk of sounding melodramatic, but what about our hearts. Cant seem to turn that off, not for a sustained period of time. If this goes on too long, chances of healing are poor.

Want to save my M but feel at times that I am destroying myself.

I think we really have to GAL and mean it and if they are there when the dust settles, cross that bridge when and IF we get to it.

REally tired BITS

9

BITS

I second your thoughts 9. I was driving home from work tonight and really questioning how long this "game" can go on for and still hope to have anything left to save. It seems like the longer this drags out for, the less likely we are to get are WAS back. IDK. I am just down today.

I know the point of DB is to GAL, and hopefully get our WAS back as an added benefit. But I am so focussed on the end result I am probably blind.

Ok. Stupid post. But W just sent me the funniest thing. It was a hilarious pic of D with a sombrero on and the text "I'll sell you my diaper for 4 pesos, homes...."

God I want to reply to that!

The thing that is most preplexing is that they will wake from the fog someday. To me that is a certainty but how much destruction will be caused by then and will we be able to put back the pieces.

My w knows that there is no future with OM but cannot seem to be logical. Soooooo frustrating.

9
BITS

Ditto

DBing is about reclaiming our own lives. We do this
by learning to focus on ourselves, build on our strengths, and ask for and accept help with our limitations. But many of us find it difficult even to begin this self-focused process because we have lost track of the separation between ourselves and others, especially the WAS. We have become so enmeshed with another person’s life and problems that we have lost the knowledge that we are separate individuals. When asked about ourselves, we often respond by talking about the WAS. We perceive ourselves to be so connected that, if the WAW does something that hurts us it seems only right, only natural, for us to respond.

Many of us even confuse this absence of personal boundaries
with love and caring. For example, from the moment the WAS
goes out the door, we sit, immobilized, unable to do anything but
think obsessively about him or her. This is not love;
it’s obsession. When we cease to live our own lives because we are so preoccupied with the lives of others, our behavior is motivated by fear. Not only is it harmful to a relationship to hover anxiously or suspiciously over a loved one night and day, it is also extremely self-destructive.

The choice to abandon our own plans for such a purpose is an
act of fear, not an act of love. Genuine, healthy love isn’t self-destructive. It doesn’t diminish us or strip us of our identities, nor does it in any way diminish those we love. Love is nourishing; it allows each of us to be more fully ourselves.

I am tired of my WAW most of the times, it is ok to have these emotions. I will stand until I will stand no longer.

Only you know when that time comes

Good stuff 2step.

I think the biggest thing I have taken from all of this is CONTROL.

CONTROL emotions. This is the first big step everyone needs to accomplish. What we need to do is use logic amidst an extreme amount of illogical behavior. If we can get to the point where we are making decisions based on logic, and not our emotions, we can start to make progress.

CONTROL yourself. Focus on what you can control. You realize how much that is. We can control what we say, what we do, and even our own happiness.

Lose CONTROL. Ignore what you CANNOT control. Your S, what he/she says, what he/she does. This realization of lack of control is actually the most empowering to me, because this is what I always struggled with the most. The biggest thing here is the balance between control and influence. We CAN influence behavior, and ultimately that is what we are working to do.


If we can do these things, control our emotions, control ourselves in a positive way, and use these to influence, but not control our S's behavior, we are doing well. We cannot control the ultimate outcome, but we can do what will give us the best possible chances of success. The beauty of all of this, is if done right, you can have a lot of fun along the way, and, we will become better people regardless.

Do you know if her LL is Acts of Service or Gifts?

I think I remember reading that it's our nature to show the S love through "our" own LL, but if that's not the other S's LL, then they may not recognize it as a show of love.

What I'm trying to say is that she may have acted out through her LL (say it's gifts)toward you. That's how we say ILY is through whatever our own LL is. Then when we learn what the other S's LL is, we try to say ILY through her LL.

So, the things she did are valid points.



Allow yourself to feel the encouragement, but don't go all ga-ga over her. It will be tempting for you to do something in response to that.....but don't. Make her work for you, remember? Don't pursue her. Don't get anxious.

Hi Sandi, I have read that book and I have thought about what her LL is. Without being able to ask her, or talk about the book, I can only make my own guess as what it is. But, you are right on, after reading the book my thought is that Acts of Service is her primary LL. I look at what she did for me in our M, and what she asked of me. It is tough because all I think about is how terribly I failed in that regard. With that said, I also know that gifts are important to her, but not in a diamond ring sort of way. She always appreciated a thoughtful gift, one with meaning. Again, I failed terribly in this regard.

So yes, I know these things are important to her. She expressed her love to me through acts of services throughout our marriage, and I know she wanted more in return. What it means now, the fact that she is still expressing this love, I don’t know.

Luckily I got some quick advice here this weekend to keep myself from doing anything stupid. I can now reflect on what she did without reacting to it. I won’t go all ga-ga.

Absolutely! In fact, it's the little, unexpected, non-holiday or special occassion gift that just melts the heart. It doesn't have to be wrapped or even in a bag, but left in a place that she'll be sure to see it. Those little "thinking of a special memory"......or something that would add to a secret little joke between the two of you........anything you happen to pass by in the store and it reminds you of something with her......get it.