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Busting

Too much explanation up there.

Tell her this:

XXX, I've told you before that I still love you and still think that we can have a great life together as both a couple and a family. I've not changed my mind on that. But I understand you are not happy, that you do not feel happy or complete inside.

You need to do what will make you happy. By my side, we live as partners, we share everything and we would do anything to help one another. But that's only if we continue as a team.

I won't stand in your way. But I also will not help you leave this marriage or this family. And I will never accept another person being a part of our life together.

I hope you find the happiness you are looking for. Go do what you need to do. You know where I will be.

She can get a divorce from you whether you want it or not.

It can goes easy or it can go rough.

She wants the paper and yu are standing in her way.

She is not likely to change her mind on that right now.

SO

Sign or not sign?

What do you think you will accomplish by NOT signing?

True:

Have I told you ever how much I love reading your Grit?!!

BM - I understand your hesitation to sign because I fought my D from the time my STXH said he wanted one. Like True said...MY STXH is getting this D whether I want it or not and he knows to this day, that it's not something I want. He had his mind set this is what he wanted. I really had no choice (especially in my state which is a no fault state so it could go thru with or without my consent).

What I've come to accept thru all of this is that my old marriage is dead and gone. And I'm happy about that because it wasn't working. It was beyond repair. It's almost like I've D'd myself because I'm not the same person I was in the M. I'm a better version of me, I like this me so much better. What I can hope for is that my STXH and I remain friends, that he can rebuild his trust in me as I in him and he will recognize that someday we are worth a try again. If that day comes, it still may or may not work; life is always a crapshoot, but I have a distinct feeling it now can.

The hardest thing is to let go. But by fighting the D, it is just reaffirming all the reasons to your W why staying in the M is toxic. I love this line in particular from True...I hope you find the happiness you are looking for. Go do what you need to do. You know where I will be. It says (I think) what I've been saying for a while now; you can move on with your life but you don't have to give up. How wide you leave that door open will be up to you. She's got to make a concerted effort to change some things in her life as well. She may and may not but it only takes one to tip that domino.

Wow.

Thank you Islander, and thank you True and Zen

It amazes me the quality of people who are on this board.

Right now I am confused, and all that really means to me is "I'm about to learn something new."

Gonna meditate on this for awhile. Get a bit of work done, and come back with a beginner's mind.

Blessings to you all.

I hear and appreciate what you all are saying.

Here's is my first revision:

Beckie,

I know you have been saying you want me to sign the papers and I understand you are not feeling happy or complete inside.

I agree you must do whatever you need to do to be happy with yourself. As I have already told you, I will not stand in the way of your happiness or you doing whatever you need to do.

As for myself, I am still your husband and so I am still committed to being the best husband I can be.

The only challenge is right now I have mixed feelings about what that really means to me.

Part of me says being the best husband means letting go completely and giving you everything you ask even if it hurts me.

Part of me says being the best husband means being firm and strong and always standing by your side in times of trouble and uncertainty.

You have asked me what I'm thinking and so I'll tell you these days it's seems I've been feeling a whole lot more and thinking a whole lot less. <speaking her language here>

Everyday I am feeling more aligned with my heart and that feels really great. It feels grand, actually. Special, special extraordinary. <her words here again>

So now I can freely tell you that right now my heart is still being pulled in opposite directions.

And just like you've been feeling, right now I am simply wanting certainty one way or the other.

I have realized that for me, there was just way too much uncertainty in our relationship for it to continue as it was.

It's now really clear there was too much fear, too much insecurity, and too many broken promises coming from both of us for either of us to be happy.

I believe our fears led to clinging, are clinging led to stubbornness, and our stubbornness led to our unwillingness to work together. <her stubbornness is her biggest agravation about herself>

In my session yesterday I had the most amazing breakthrough.

I discovered how something that happened to me as a child had been negatively impacting the relationship of every woman that I have ever been with. And now it is simply gone. The counselor helped me see it in a completely different way, and now I am finally free to relax and be myself.

Perhaps we can talk about that some other time if you are interested, but for now, I have set up a counseling session for you on monday march 21st. The counselor's name is <name> and at <time> you can call her directly at <number>.


I am certain that having a professional, competent adviser helping each of us find our way, will make it easier for both of us to truly understand each other and remain the best of friends. Regardless of whatever happens in the future.


----------------

Guys?

or maybe just...

Beckie,

I know you have been saying you want me to sign the papers and I understand you are not feeling happy or complete inside.

I agree you must do whatever you need to do to be happy with yourself. As I have already told you, I will not stand in the way of your happiness or you doing whatever you need to do.

After your counseling session we'll both be in a better place to figure out our next steps.

I have setup the appointment for you at xxx on xxx, at xxx.

I am certain that having a professional, competent adviser will make it easier for both of us to truly understand each other and remain the best of friends. Regardless of whatever happens in the future.

You know....100% what she is feeling inside ?





This sounds like you are giving her "permission"....

Does she need that ?



Whew...then that will be over...assuming you are correct.




She asked you to do this ?

I thought she said she didn't want this ?

Or this another



Can they get me the winning Lottery numbers too ?



Busting....

Don't try to fix this with this letter. Use what you have learned recently.

Stop with the guilt...

Stop with the assuming you know what she is thinking...

Stop planning things for her...

The letter ?



KISS ....




"I" and "You" statements are usually loaded with guilt...

Be careful with those...





Capiche ?

Thanks Mach,

Yes, she asked me to set up a session for her next monday.

My only objective right now is to make sure that she attends it.

I am thinking I want to say as little as possible and then leave it entirely up to her.

I'm just not certain what "as little as possible" looks like.

MY coach had said to be succinct while being sure to get my point across and speaking in her own language.

Version 3:


I know you have been saying you want me to sign the papers. I am done with being stubborn and unwilling to work together.

I have setup the appointment for you at xxx on xxx, at xxx.

I am certain that having a professional, competent adviser will make it easier for both of us to truly understand each other and remain the best of friends. Regardless of whatever happens in the future.

I know you have been saying you want me to sign the papers. I am done with being stubborn and unwilling to work together.

I have setup the appointment for you at xxx on xxx, at xxx.

My heart is telling me that having a professional, competent adviser will make it easier for both of us to truly understand each other and remain the best of friends. Regardless of whatever happens in the future.

What points do you NEED to address ?

Which ones are you WANTING to address ?