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Dont know which one is better.

W texts me today after call with her sons. Since she has signed I have little contact with her. When she called I gave phone to sons right away. Didnt want to talk to her.

Actually a little upset with her that this is going down again. Our legal separation.

Let me back up, Im all over the map here. I text her requesting that she let my youngest stay with me a later tommorrow as I want to take him skiing. She is okay with that and I end the convo quickly.

She then texts me saying that skiing sounds like fun for me and the boys and then she begins with the drama. Those of you that have been following my sitch, know she was recently let go of her full time position and will now be part time which will make life for her tough.

So now the text. She wants S15 to stay with her on Monday as he rarely ever goes to her house, he doesnt want much to do with her since he found out about OM and her affair the night I found out. long story.

Then she writes, " Im just about ready to crack, I hate going to that place, referring to the place where she works,
Karma is real, then hints about possibly doing away with her life and would the insurance come through for me and the kids.

I read this and immediately call her. I ask her point blank if she is considering suicide because of the way she has effed up her life.

She assures me that not really and she would never do that with her kids in the picture but she cant believe how badly she has screwed up her life.

I say well, you know its too late to come back and she says that she has no intention of coming back. And keeps hinting that she wishes she never did what she did in the first place.

She says she is sorry that she texted that and that I should just ignore it but we talk some more and I get a sense that she is really unhappy that she took up with this low life piece of crap OM that caught her when she was at her lowest point. Not her words exactly but she is showing huge regrets.

I tell her that I cant belive she fell for his line of BS, that she thought a man that screws around on his wife when she is pregnant is any kind of good man. And I ask her if she is on solid ground with him. She says she doesnt want to talk about OM. But continues down poor me speech and is crying very hard about the poor decisions she has made.

We end the conversation but Im not sure how.

So I call her back because I am not very happy with the threat of suicide still looming and i tell her that I may call the authoirities as I am not convinced that she wont do this.

She assures me again that this is not a concern and we talk more about how she is feeling and that she is sorry she ever went down this path and that I wasnt the blame for her unhappiness and that she has always thrived on being unhappy and that she is so unhappy now.

So i say tongue firmly in cheek, you must be exstacic now since your are miserable.

I ask her about OM again and she says he is not the man she thought he was and that she cant tell me everything yet but she is not in love with him.

We talk about when she first came back that she never really tried to make our marriage work. She said she wanted to but wasnt feeling it and had the infatuation with the OM and that she is not mentally stable. I believe that but she contiued to live under our roof, avoid be like the plague and sneak off and have sex with OM.

I say what is it that you want to do. You say that you wish this never happended but you do nothing to fix it. Do you want to work on this realationship and right the ship or do want to contiue down your path of destruction with the loser.

She cries harder and says she wants her old life back but is afraid. I tell her that if she wants to work on the M, I mean really work on the m, we have to accept that our old M is dead and buried and we have to start fresh.

She agrees and then I tell her that she MUST end relationsip with OM . Today. She hesitates on the phone and I say, well if you cant do that, then what chance do we have.

She says she cant do it today but give her time and she will end it but on her terms. I say thats fine but you at least have to stop sleeping with him and kissing him. When I see his truck in your driveway, at least I will have piece of mind that you are not in the sack together. Can you do that I ask>

Again, she hesitates and I say, well if you think I am going to wait around while you bang this guy, then you are in error. You dont have to end it with him but you have to stop sleeping with him. Can you promise me that?

She said she wouldnt sleep with him anymore. Its up to her whether or not she honors that.

Then I say to her. I cant believe we are having this conversation. Why are you feeling this way/. She tells me that she has felt this way for sometime but is afraid or unsure how to proceed. OM left his family for her and she left hers for him and she says that he is very unstable and seems a little frightened of him. She says that he is kind of creepy at times

Which makes me angry that a low life like that is controlling my W. It is well known around our small town that he has had a very sketchy upbringing and EVERYBODY is shocked that my w is with him.

Ninelives,

You are an amazing man.

Your love for her is inspiring.

Only thing I would suggest is for you to consider not make any request or conditions about how to deal with OM until she is firmly in your camp.

It appears to me she's getting there.

Your worst fears have already been realized.

You don't have to compromise any more.

IMHO you deserve to have all or none.

Im sorry, I am all over the place here. Just reeling from this totally unexpected conversation.
DB principles are being used half a$$ed at times and at times Im not even sure what i am saying.

Waiting for the pull back at any time. So I say to her, lets get our cards on the table here. What exactly is it that you want. ARe you talking about getting your life back with me and the kids and growing old together etc?

She says yes that she missed me and my sense of humour and that is she is sooooo sorry that she hurt me and that is ashamed of what she did. She felt she never measured up to me before , now she even feels worse. Im STUNNED. I say ok, let me get this straight. You want to come back to our relationship, put the hard work into the marriage. Be intimate with me again, even passionate. NOt because he is not who you thought he was and not because you are feeling the financial pinch.

She says NO , money has nothing to do with it. she will be getting 60 grand from our settlement soon and that she knows that she made a huge mistake and what she has with OM is fake , and artificial and the man that loved her the most is me and she recognizes that and wants to make it work. But it will take time.

She says she NEEDs to be on her own to get her head right and that working back to US would be down the road.

I say again, and what about OM, can you live in this small town with him knowing he will be persuing you the entire time you are on your own. She says that I am what she wants and her life back.

I am very skeptical. I say, what about the pull back when you call me back tomorrow or the next day and say that you were just down today.

She says she has been thinking about this for a few weeks and the feeling keeps getting stronger every day. She says that the fog is lifting and she sees what is important in her life.

I remind her again that talk is cheap and that she did this before last July. Wrote me pages of this and then never followed up. She assures me that this time will be different but I need to be patient with her and let her come back on her own time.

What a clusterflick, I SOOOOOOOOO want to believe her but I am very skeptical. Can she sustain this feeling. Has she had a revelation or is this just a knee jerk reaction to all the bad KARMA she has been getting lately.

I ask her if she loves me cause she has told me so many times that she doesnt. I know, bad DB principles there and a red flag went off when I spoke those words, but she assured me that she is sure that she loves me. Real Love, not the thing she felt with OM.

I tell her that the money I gave her in settlement could be used for positive things. WE could finish our basement like we always wanted to and go on a trip with the kids. And she seemed very happy about those things. I know, moving too fast. Need to slow down.

I also told her I was buying a new car in a couple of weeks and was going to buy a stick and she asked me not to buy a stick cause she cant drive stick.

I ask her when she will end it with OM and she says leave it to me. I get real sense that she is almost frightened of him and I say to her, leave him to me if he doesnt leave you alone.

In calmer moment, I know that I will leave it in the hands of the police if he wont leave her alone if she does in fact go on with this.

She has to get ready for night shift and needs to sleep. She tells me that he is texting her and that she has to respond or he gets really jealous and insecure. I say , let him get insecure and she says that she needs to keep the peace for now.

A mixed singal NO?

In one fell swoop, am I in the same company as Denver and Islander or is she going to PULL back tommorrow.

AHHH the WAW, should be a TV show. Add to the fact that my WAW may also be a little nuts and the drama may never end.

If she does the PULL back this time, I think I am truly done.

I said to her, If you are not 100% sure of us trying again, then tell me so that i dont get my hopes up. For you to do this again would mean you are truly evil. She said that she is sure and not to worry.

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BITS

Thanks Busting, one thing is for sure. If she comes back our lives will be so different. My mom has told me that she is not welcome in her house again and that I should NEVER take her back.

Her BIL, will never speak to her again weather we are back or not but those are things we need to address IF the time comes.

I think time heals for everybody. My MOm included. What a kettle of fish.

9
BITS

really want to hear from Sandi2 and my BITS on this one.

Cmon guys, im dying over here

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9 sorry man I've been in a bad place all weekend but this is actually very good news and i should not waste the opportunity to help you out if I can. So lets get right to it!!


Pay Attention. She is giving you instructions for success.


Again she is telling you something here. It will take time.


9 she is describing exactly what she needs here. Don't rush it. I know its hard we ALL want to run back into it, the best thing you can do at this point is be patient with her. Be the change you said you would become.



She hasn't moved back yet and you guys are already remodeling the basement? 9! I know the feeling man. I do. YOU must take a deep breathe and proceed slowly for both you benefits.


This will move at her speed. Look she has told you what she wants. She has told you what she wants from you. Now respect ther enought to give it. She is moving towards you.

Be patient and try and calm down tonight. I can't even imagine the elation, confusion, anxiety you are feeling right now. You must maintain and be calm though because as soon as you got here you can kill it.

Go back and read your first few post. That should keep you busy

9 is it too late? Why would you say this?

Anger? To punish her? Get her back for the heartache?

You better get in touch with what drove you to say this.

Cause it ain't getting either of you anywhere.



So she is mentally unstable and you are trying to reason with her?

Sorry man. Do you really understand your W?

I can think of at least 10 more reasons you can use to make her feel more f@cked up than she feels right now.

Like this one



Do you want her back right now?

In this condition?

Has she owned up to her choices and decided from a clear headed place?

IMO this is desperation on her part and you are going to make her grovel her way back.

Will you sacrifice your M again for this halfa$$ed attempt to R.

Is this what you imagined she would do when you are ready to take her back?

She is still being driven by her craziness/emotion.

9 let me be clear I am not saying you shouldn't be open to reconciling...

At any point. THAT will have to mean you are ready and so is she.

Your comments show me anger for what she has done.

Not blaming you BUT it ain't gonna help her.

Or you.

And her. I see a lot of confusion and emotional/psychological instability.

How long will her "feeling" to reconcile last unless

She has truly looked at herslef and owned up to what SHE needs to do to be happy and be responsible for that.

IDK man.

I am not buying it.

Thanks for your input guys. You guys are both right. True Grit, I like your style. No nonsense and to the point.

I have NO intention of reconciling any time soon. Her first step is to shake loose this dirtbag. And I think she has finally woken up to who he really is.

She told me that she knows that the person that REALLY loves her is me and that she hurt that peron more than anyone has a right to.

I know how confused she is right now and how confused she has been for some time.

There are many parts of this conversation we had that I cant remember at all. We talked for over an hour.

She did mention that she has been thinking about us for such a long time. And I said that you have a funny way of showing it.

I still cant believe that we had this conversation at all.

PATIENCE nine, Patience and total reflection.

BTW, I mentioned the Alice Cooper concert where she invited me and then uninvited me, she said that I should go with our boys.

Man she is messed.

I was talking to my best friend tonight about the sitch and he said, " Why do you even want her back?" " She is a head case"

I said because when we made our vows, I believed in the better or worse jive and I do believe that she is not mentally stable and that is part of the sickness and in health part.

I want to stand beside her while she gets well. But if it doesnt happen, then I will at least know that I tried one more time.

Then I believe that I can really move on with my head held high and tried to get my family back.

Sleep will be tough tonight.

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Nine - No worries about asking me on my thread to take a look at your sitch. Anytime.

Now... you need to listen to what Truegritter and 2Step have told you in the above threads. IMO... YOU are moving too quickly here.

Your W came to you and provided you with information. That information is that she misses you, is BEGINNING to realize that her choices have messed things up, and that she still loves you.

You can use this information, but you still cannot control how things proceed. What I see from your end of these recent conversations is you trying to control the direction of this ship.

Your W is still in control. Like it or not.

Let her... continue to give her space and time to figure things out on her own. Let this happen organically ... not by force. It is the only way that you can have a real chance at true reconciliation.

THIS must be completely out of her system before she will truly come back to your M. And it must happen on her timeline. This is the only way man.

So what you must do is use the information that you have been given to adjust your DB strategy.

IMO that should be...

Patience... lots of patience...

Time... be willing to give this as much time as is needed ...

Stop bringing up OM! This is important IMO ... stop trying to force her to give this up ... Trust me, I know how important this piece is to you... but it can't be forced... it just can't. She has to do this bc it is what she wants... bc SHE is done with it... not bc you have guilt tripped her or bc you have made it a prerequisite to having a life with you in the future. She has had a R with this OM whether you like it or not... it will have to end as any other R does... and she will have to heal from it.

Stop having R talks ... just stop. You know where she stands... but she is still confused... trust me. Now... start building the friendship bw you and W again. Your M or a new M will not thrive if there isn't a friendship... this means that she needs to feel safe with you, talking to you, and sharing her deepest thoughts and emotions with you. Some of the things that Gritter pointed out are not helpful in building a friendship... with anyone. This is where your NEW M should begin... friendship.

Begin sharing time with you W if you can... and make sure that this time is not centered on the stress of what is going on or has gone on... in other words, begin to share moments of fun and laughter with your W... give her more reason to want to come back and never stray again... show her that she can be happy again... Be the change that you want to see from her. Get it?

All in all ... very good Nine. But I do think that you need to go back and refresh yourself on some DB principles... your part in the recent conversations with your W concern me bc it all seems too rushed... and I think that you are the reason for that.

Lastly... remember that the underlying issues that have caused the demise of your M must be addressed before you can successfully reconcile. I would suggest MC to W when the time is right... and this should begin before she moves back in with you IMO.

Keep up the good work Nine... and never hesitate to come over to my thread to get my 2 cents... I owe this board more than I can ever say in words and I want to pay it back the best that I can... unfortunately, my own sitch has demanded most of my time lately.

BITS
Denver