Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Shine on you crazy diamond III

Don't second guess yourself, FOBD! You did everything right.

The "pull back" is normal. Learn to recognize and expect it. She may feel she exposed too much of herself and has to do this to you to "keep things in check." Don't let her baggage into your head.

You are an awesome DBer. Don't let this phase you. It happens to me every time. I've learned to expect it and not let it bother me. I look at it as progress.

Chin up. Focus on you. Keep up the good work.

LOL...

That's not a 2x4....

That's a tap




Anyway....

FOBD, you can thank me by your actions....

Seeing it written ?

Just words..

Simply put ?

Yours words, and what you have learned, that you pass on to others here...

Implement them into yourself...

It can be done, and you have to put down the victim flag, but it is entirely possible...

Once you can CLEARLY see that she is doing you a favor instead of doing this TO you....things will change within...

This takes time to process what you learned, and knowing it and applying it are two different things....

You have to trust from within , that these principals give you the best chance for success...

In all of your endeavors....not just your relationship...

You have to be patient with yourself as well. Feel what is going on around you , so that your pain is a stepping stool for your growth.

There are no guarantees that things will ever work out with your spouse.

But, if you do the work on yourself, I guarantee that you will come through it with you....

FOBD:

I might be getting totally offtrack here...But your W actually attended your family's event. Is that not significant?

If your W was so done and wanted out, would'nt she not attend?

I dunno, something tells me she's not done with this marriage man. Keep your DB'ing and you might strike gold.

Hey i know my wife did not give a damn if anything went on in my family. she did not want to attend.

I agree with Karma.

BITS
Denver

FOBD

I would not help her pack her stuff

why is that something you would do?

She is a grown up (sort of)
and
if she wants to pack, SHE can do it

FOBD, I have collected newspaper to wrap W's tea cups and figurines in. I have gathered boxes. If the time comes to wrap and pack her stuff IMO she can do it.

IMO she needs to see her decision as real.

I will not oppose her decision, but I will not help her either.

I would not help her pack her things either. I thought about doing that with my W, but it is her decision to leave, not mine. I will not help her do anything to help her with her decision to leave. I would be there to help her move back home if she chose to.

Punchy, thanks for helping to remind me why we are here. I appreciate your input and advice. Yes, I do need to focus more on me. Funny thing is that when I do, I feel good about it. I just need to do it more.

Mach, thanks as always and challenge accepted. I will try to live the principles instead of talking about them. It is also humorous that I can explain the principles to others, but cannot see when I am not following them myself...

MyKarma and Denver, you must understand, my w has become the very best of friends with my new SIL. Her presence on Saturday had nothing to do with wanting to be with me. She wanted to be there for my new SIL. Frankly, if you would have seen how she greeted me (the little act that went on in front of my uncle), you would clearly see that her presence had absolutely nothing to do with me. There is still a part of me that agrees with my uncle. I kind of think she came there with the hope of watching me suffer. The trick was on her though. I had a blast!!

Figg, Just and Islander, yes, I do help her pack. I don't do it to kiss her ass or in the hopes she will fall into my arms. I do it because it is something I would have never done in the past. The old, jackass me would have sat there and said, "Screw you, b*tch! Pack your own sh*t and get the hell out." And, that is what she comes here expecting. By helping her pack, I get to prove to myself that I don't always have to win a fight, get in the last word or get in the last burn on another person. It shows me that I can be compassionate and understanding. Folks, let us not forget... my wife didn't leave because she didn't love me. She left because she didn't feel loved. And, that is without a doubt, all my fault in many ways. So, by showing her compassion unlike I have ever before, it makes me feel good about myself and it makes me believe I can change for the better. Not to mention, it completely fries her plan. She comes here looking for an *ss and all she finds is a really cool, calm collected guy who won't "take the bait," so to speak. I like helping her pack. I feel good about it.

Well, she was supposed to come over tonight, but called to cancel. Claimed she had a migraine. I cheerfully told her that she could do whatever she wanted as I was going forward with my plans for the evening with or without her visit. Funny thing happened... she apologized for canceling. She has not done that in some time. I told her it was no big deal and we could reschedule for later in the week. Felt good. Gosh, I spent so many years being an *sshole to her that it does feel good when I change tunes for once. I guess I will deal with her tomorrow night.

BITS never walk alone!!!

FOBD

FOBD, you sound like you are doing great today, good to hear!

I just want to throw out there, if you did decide you want to mix things up and not help her pack this time, you could do it without coming off as a jerk who does not care. If you smile, act polite, and simply state you have some things you need to take care of while she packs up her things, I don't think she'll see it as the "old FOBD." It might be a risk though, I see that. You know better than anyone how she might see these actions, and you know the best route to take for you.

Country,
Thanks for the hint and I just might try it. I will see what happens. After having such a good weekend at the wedding and showing her that a wonderful man is slipping through her hands, maybe a small change of pace might be worth a shot. I will think it over tomorrow and decide before she arrives. Thanks for keeping up with my sitch!!!

FOBD