Nice weaving of threads! Otherwise, scratching my ... Not sure i have any useful thoughts ... This business of basing marriage much on "attraction" leaves me confounded.
I have to admit that I did not see the part where she was still involved with the OM. For that I apologize Forrest.
She still denies it. And you have proof. Concrete proof?
I want to know Forrest, when you 'busted' the divorce what did you do? When the divorce stopped, what happened?
Ultimately, you know as well as any old timer here that if a poster has to be drug kicking and screaming to advice or help it's an excercise in futility, in almost every case.
You to me are worth the exception.
It seems that: Your hope is all but gone, your patience only stems from monotony and resignation, and your fire is a small bank of low coals sputtering.
Quote:
Give me your best go Jack..
Answer the questions above. And I'll try my best.
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where does it stop?
When the LBS has nothing to give anymore. You know that. When you choose to stop it.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
I find it hard to tell you to keep putting your best self out there when you say she is absent. I find it hard to tell you to fight the entitlement feeling. I find it hard to tell you, you are not justified. I find it equally hard to tell you she is wrong.
Forrest, we learnt that it is not about right or wrong. It is not about justice, right? It is not about who has done more, it is not about who owes whome what. When in crisis, usually people are not invested the same in the relationship. Now you feel like you want to give up but you know that if you will, that will probably be the end of your R. Or maybe not?
I do believe that where you are now, you feel hopeless.. You either fight THAT or you just give up. You cant be half way in half way out for long. It s ucks the energy out of both of you and minimizes the propabilities of making it together.
If she is indeed involved with OM then you know why a lot of things happen they do they do....
I thought you said earlier you don't believe there's an OM this time but it was her apathy and unresponsive behavior? I must have missed a post if you said there is an OM.
What do you think contributed most to busting it last time? Did she talk about this at all?
Do you still have the legal papers? Perhas just change the dates and numbers and prepare them for signature? (PS: my phone often messes up what I type)
My short answer is--I have to agree with Jack and Kalni. I've been reading a bit and my time has been limited, so I haven't posted because I really want to do you justice. Like Jack--I agree you are just so worth it.
Thinking of you.
sg Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001
I will say, after being on these boards for ? 6-7 years? That it seems that usually there is something really "unhealthy" about the S's that won't work on the R if the other is DBing intelligently.
Drugs, booze, mental illness (including depression), and OW/OMs mean that you can be doing everything right and they pretty much will not respond.
Are you doing everything right? Only you can know that--are you GAL? (haven't seen too much of evidence of that) Validating? Detaching?
I was here 7 years ago. I was a good DBer--it came pretty easily. But 2 years ago things went south again. Came back.
Forrest, I feel I have "re-invented" myself over, and over, and over again. And my H is still not "happy". And with NO regrets did I do it but I am done.
DBing worked--because I am very different now than 7 years ago. I'm not angry at my H at all. He has truly shown me, by all the work that I have done, that it is him. Probably depression.
It's a great place to be. You won't regret ONE THING.
So do the backflips and twist yourself up like a pretzel for her and do it happily. Read R books--leave them around. Love and Respect is an amazing one--very simple and easy to read.
Read childrearing books--Dr. Dobson, etc (btw, the pastor at my church said just last Sunday that when you let your kids sleep in bed with you the marriage will fail eventually--(my H let S sleep with us until he was 13!) You have experts that would back you up for putting that child in his own bed.
Go visit the SM boards--there are some stickies that are excellent. Put a timeline on the sex, set boundaries, and lovingly tell your W that this is what you need and you hope it will be with her, but if it isn't you have to do what is best for you.
She can either work on this with you or with someone else. But most men want cooperation in this area.lol.
