Kevc, How much do you actually know about the degree of involvement with this OM? It is very natural that this should concern you, but this post reads like you were reacting and the reaction escalated.
Reacting very rarely produces a positive outcome. This is one of the reasons detachment has become so important to me.
Didn't your W cited controlling as one of the reasons she left for the women’s shelter? Is it possible the exchange was perceived by her as trying to control her? I am not saying your reaction was unjustified. I am saying there can be more constructive ways to set a boundary.
IMO this is what you were attempting to do. I don’t think it was perceived that way.
IMO, being calm, centering yourself, repeating your short term goals and detachment are all things to work on.
Truegritter recently posted some words he picked up on this board. You may wish to adapt to your sitch:
Originally Posted By: Truegritter
W, I've told you before that I still love you and still think that we can have a great life together as both a couple and a family. I've not changed my mind on that. But I understand you are not happy, that you do not feel happy or complete inside.
You need to do what will make you happy. By my side, we live as partners, we share everything and we would do anything to help one another. But that's only if we continue as a team.
I won't stand in your way. But I also will not help you leave this marriage or this family. And I will never accept another person being a part of our life together.
I hope you find the happiness you are looking for. Go do what you need to do. You know where I will be.
Thank you, i do need to come back down to earth i guess, was so close and blew it, but thinkng about it had she not told me then it would have come out eventually but under what circumstances i wonder. We have no contact now just the odd text to do with kids, next weekend is my grandaughters birthday party, wife will be there, not lookng forward to that. My eldest daughter who is 100% behind my wife actually told her she shouldnt stay with me and be loving when she is seeing another man, its wrong, i was shocked at that. Well its the weekend, and yes my mind is wondering if she is with him, i need to get a grip, and do as you say, so painful knowing last week we were so close.....kevc
Kevc, the weekends are the hardest for many of us. In my own thread a posting caused me to question my short term goals and plan. I retreated and caved most of Saturday stuck on the “what if” rollercoaster. That is until I spoke with my DB coach and my D about it.
I was able to accomplish one thing yesterday to make myself feel better. My SIL needed a home repair. I am her landlord so it is my responsibility. Don’t want anyone here thinking I am a doormat. What made me feel better was it was taken care of in less than 24hrs. She remarked on that, and as side benefit I know it will get back to W.
My point; IMO you would be better able to cope with the ups and downs of this if you could find things to do outside of the drama that make you feel good about yourself.
What drives you to feel better about yourself outside of your M?....... Do a little more of it.
IMO, GAL is about boosting your self esteem and distracting from your sitch so you can detach. This makes you a better person. This makes your 180s more sustainable especially if they can be included somehow.
I need to GAL more on the weekends. What are you doing?
BITS Me 55, ACK, when did that happen? Doesn't feel like 55 D 30 S 27
You create your own universe as you go along - Winston Churchill
Hi, Im in an old house that needs loads of work so i have made that my project, going to get stuck into that. She is now saying that she misses me, sure she is seeing other guy at weekend but i havnt mentioned him, still recovering from last weekends news, but getting better with that, we are talking nicer now, i dont chase, she contacts me, she has alot of interest in what im doing in the house and said it looks nice...kevc
Kevc, the 6 hr time difference raised its head again. Ahh the joys of home ownership, I know them well.
It sounds like you have a few baby steps, build on what is working. Be calm, confident and in control of yourself when you interact. You want to be more attractive than the OM.
Remember this is about you becoming a better person that she may eventually see as more attractive. There are no guarantees she will, but I can guarantee if you don’t become the better person and revert to the old form she’ll be gone. Do not point out your changes, let her discover them.
It is tough I know, but you are at least seeing small positives. Write them down in a journal; keep it for yourself to review. Patience, loads of patience.
BITS Me 55, ACK, when did that happen? Doesn't feel like 55 D 30 S 27
You create your own universe as you go along - Winston Churchill
Yes i guess there are small steps in right direction i just need to get a better grip, i really need to detatch. We are having family issues as the party at weekend is causing upset, none of my children will go as my wife is going to be there, they cant get a grip on how she is acting and now with another man on the scene they are fuming. Im not going anyway, as far as i know my wife is getting a lift from him, then she is staying at his Friday evening then over to my eldest daughters on Sat for the party, staying with her on Sat night then he is taking her back Sunday, the daughter whos party it is has spoken her mind to my wife but i believe that because she is the only real contact my wife has with whats left of our family my wife just ignores her comments and carrys on as though nothing was said. This is hard to deal with, my wife is saying i have put them up up it which i havnt, they are adults and make their own minds up. One thing i have learnt is that she is very good at making everything fit into what she believes and it will not be seen any different, no matter who says what. Wife is very upset about this and blames me, my eldest daughter told me about other man then when i reacted my daughter then told my wife loads of rubbish about what i had been saying, caused uproar between me and my wife, today my eldest daughter admitted she had stirred poo to my wife so of course no apology from my wife just talking to me a little nicer !!. I feel i want to walk away from all this and get on with my life and let her walk this path on her own, but if i go dark she kicks up bigtime and says i cant love her otherwise i wouldnt not contact her, i need help with this part PLEASE !!,....kevc
Kevc, IMO you are riding her rollercoaster. I think you should get off and begin to do things that make you better. From your posts I understand when you have gone dark she has managed to obtain a reaction from you within days. Then you are back on the rollercoaster with emotions see sawing up and down.
I think you need to detach emotionally from this sitch. The way I do this is by focusing on other things.
You posted you are working on your house. What about something outside the house? What did you do before or early in the M? What will you be doing for GAL in a few months?
I hunt game with a bow and arrow, so an archery league was one of my first GAL activities. It still is.
I used to CC ski. The gear was gathering dust in storage. So this was another GAL until the snow melted.
I used to run distance; 10ks. All I need is a good pair of shoes later in spring. My knees holding up would be a plus also.
The local junior college offers PE classes. Fencing is a possibility so is golf though I'd need to borrow clubs.
The company I work for is Danish. I am saving money for a rosetta stone in Danish.
My point being I will find things to do that requires my focus away from my sitch, and if they are social in nature that is even better.
BITS Me 55, ACK, when did that happen? Doesn't feel like 55 D 30 S 27
You create your own universe as you go along - Winston Churchill
Well im getting back in touch with the church so will get back in with my friends there, i find it hard to know how to react to her litle positives, do i ignore them, when she was with this man she said she thought of me alot then waited for a response, what do you say,she is with him today but i feel fine so i think im managing to pull away, i know come next week she will contact me, what do i say when she questions what im been doing, i know its to see if im with anyone,, she will try and pull be back on board but i dont want to go there, if i dont go on facebook she will ask why, what do i say then as fb was a nightly thing, so many questions...sorry!!.....kevc
I remember once when I was in high school, the class was sitting quietly doing homework, when the teacher suddenly stood up and arbitrarily yelled "yellow as pus." Then he just stood there calmly without saying another word.
Well as you can imagine every student in the class was shocked, stunned, totally wondering what the heck was going on. Suddenly we all felt lost, nervous, confused, and we started looking around to see what was going on...
And still he just stood there calmly, letting us fidget for awhile before moving on with the lesson.
What he did was called a "pattern interrupt."
You see we had all been sitting there unconsciously doing as we had been programmed, and he wanted to show us that we had the option of waking up and seeing things a different way.
Kevc have you noticed how in your posts you are running all of your sentences together? That makes me think you are running all of your thoughts together, too.
You need to interrupt that pattern. Start seeing things a different way. Put a little space in between you and all your thoughts. Start training your wild mind to behave the way you want.
Best way to do that is to stop and breathe. Pause. Regain control. The mind follows the breath. When we slow our breathing down, we slow our thoughts down, too.
Then our mind and body is in a better place. It says "Ah. At least I'm breathing. Good."
Now we are in a better place to figure out what is real and decide how to respond.
I encourage you to put some space in between you and your thoughts, your sentences, your feelings and your wife.
You're a good man.
Start setting some boundaries or parameters for yourself about what is and is not acceptable. For you.
I am being the possibility of:
1) Integrity 2) Loving myself completely. 3) Things flowing naturally between us, without any fear or attachment to the outcome.
Thank youb BM, i think after week 10 im starting to gain that space, same with my reactions, im giving myself time and space. i have reacted to circumtances on the spot, but this weekend i feel i have gained some sort of control over myself. I really feel i dont need to be part of her journey, im happy knowing that its her path she wishes to follow not mine, will be here if and when she wakes up. Have been looking at timelines and all can say is its not so much when it ends but when did it start !!, thinking back she had issues with who she was in 2008, we walked the "rock chick path" she was 47 and a grandmother, and then i noticed her drift from normality, her dating site episodes, her buying younger clothes,her acting uncomfortabily in a look at me sense, so i think we are proberly in a 3rd year of this and yes our children had started to leave the nest, im acting too comfortable in this sitch, she corners me in the "if you loved me" senario, i go dark then i dont love her, not on facebook then i dont care about her, but from now and i feel strong i will be "doing something else", GAL, i cant live with this person anyway so i need to move on, i love her, but i just cant be a passenger anymore......kevc
