Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers HELP - need your opinion: problem or not?

yeah.

to confront (gently) or ignore and work the 180/GAL to try and be attractive if/when this thing burns out????

We'd planned to take a half day tomorrow to walk the dog and enjoy the great weather here in the NE. Can't imagine that's a good idea now....

ya know I could just forward this email to our supervisor, who is second in the chain of command at our company (well, ok, it is a college and supervisor is the dean).

ya know, the OM is not only Ws boss but will be my direct supervisor for the next two years while I am overseas. The overseas part sounds great about now. but Ws boss will be involved in my daily work life then.....fun.

Sexual harrassment suit. Course it would have to be brought by your W

Yes.

It is.

Now what to do about it?

She will deny anything is going on if you ask her

and then go underground with it.

The question asked earlier.

What has been happening in your M?

Is it good. Do you feel her pulling away?

Tough situation but you won't know unless you can confrim it.

AND

It is the elephant in your living room right now.

Would you text a co worker "thinking of you"?

Unless you had some interest beyond work?

Answer that and you have YOUR answer.

Doesn't matter what she says because it won't be the truth.

Sorry to say it.

She is being pursued by this man and how much she has enaged in the response is yet a mystery.

S_C, well a SH lawsuit is probably unwise. Ws boss used to be a HR lawyer. Really. I could not make this stuff up if I wanted to.

Truegritter, you are absolutely right! We do have problems and she is pulling away, just in the last few days especially. The whole story, plus some ventings are on my other threads (inc "how, oh how, do you stay pleasant...") As you might be able to tell from those, this has me pretty well tied up in knots.

I'll try to be objective here: I have not observed her encouraging this behavior, but I do think she enjoys it and the sense of power it brings her in the office. I do, however, think that boss will keep pushing and with a combination of exotic work trips and alcohol could push this into a PA, or push me into pushing W away because of jealousy.

Oy to the vey Still.
Realistically speaking then your wife is going to have to put a stop to it.
I will bet you're right in that she's enjoying the power AND the thoughtful ( predatory) attention.
Hmmm, that may be your key and your in?

SL - Tough call here man.

From experience...

FROM THIS MOMENT FORWARD, you begin to be the type of H that you want to be... the H that your W wants... and deserves.

If no A is happening right now, one is on the horizon. So you want to begin to make your W see some changes in you. Whatever those may be. If you do, she may think twice before moving any further with this deal with her boss.

If an A is already happening, you will notice right away that your attempts to be a really damn good H are going to be rebuffed by your W. She may even become mean about you all of a sudden making these changes.

I would NOT confront her right now.

IF you do in the future, one thing to consider is that your W's boss probably needs to have some concern about his job. What he is doing is NOT only inappropriate, but it is sexual harassment, and most likely against his company's employment policies. You might want to point that out to your W IF you confront in the future.

BITS
Denver

W went to bed first last night with not a word. I fell asleep on the couch. Things were a bit cold this morning - sstrage because I don't think she had even gotten the email message yet, nor probably realized she sent me out with her phone last night. We were going to take a 1/2 day today and walk the dog in the subshine but she was obviously not interested this morning - come to think of it probably not a good idea to have all that time together to talk. So we're both off and trying NOT to be around each other. I suspect she's find somewhere else to be all day....

I hear the advice about not confronting and being pleasant. But this is going downhill fast....

PS - Despite what I'd like to think I doubt this email alone would jeapordize boss' job. However, I must admit that this morning I forwarded a copy to my account. I know. I know. I should just let it go....

When do think you would be witness to that?

I am not trying to stir up trouble here for you Still I just don't want you to tell lies to yourself.

Really. Look at this. She gets a communication like that.

You either shut it down or you don't.

If you don't.

Then you encourage it or at least become a victim of it.

You know your W which is more likely?

I haven't read your other threads but maybe if you are having problems

Can you suggest counseling?

I think her willingness to go into a process like that will tell you more about where she is.

She most likely will give it lip service and not engage fully if she has emotionally left your M.

Try to keep your emotions in check here Still.

Your goal? To save your M. So what can YOU do right now to do that?

Truegritter,

I see your points. I'll be honest, and summarize my situation from the other threads. 2003 move to tkae new job closer to home. 2005 W tells me she has no repsect for me because I'm not super-confident - I was completely crushed. W decides she wants 3rd child - I thought this was a really bad idea, since I suspected she'd want to go back to work ASAP, which would be hard. After 1.5 years of convincing I agreed, because she said she did NOT want to go back to work, but rather stay home and homeschool kids. When youngest son was 2 she went back to work part-time, then a few years ago full time. Each time she siad it would be ok b/c it was only PT, or didn't require travel, or weekends. Each time that turned out not to be the case. The stress of juggling 3 boys' schedules and all this brought on my anxiety - for which I got conseuling and ADs. I felt W was "leaving" our family - I did all the wrong stuff - seeking reassurrance, acting weak. I felt justified since I told W over and over that this situation would be really difficult for me - but she lives in the present and claims not to remember thee conversations. She claimed to not even remember telling me that she had no respect for me - and that conversation lasted a good 3-4 hours. There have been good stretches - esp. when boss isn't around for several weeks - but mostly she feels "conotrolled" b/c she can't just go off and do whatever she wants whenever she wants to. Coudl this be her WAW time? Sure. But I have been a great dad, and mostly a good husband through some very tough times - I have been very (overly) attentive. I've done a lot of work to help with this. W delcined to join me for a counseling session months ago - not a good sign.

Look, I know I brought this on by being weak and whiny. But my W just kept piling on stuff until I broke down. I thought if I did all this she would, basically, love me in return.

Wrong. wrong. wrong.