W called me on Monday saying that she needed to tell me something. Apparently W and SIL talked about the redecorating in the bedroom and W wanted to tell me that she didn't take down our wedding items from the wall in our bedroom. I thanked her but asked why she was telling me this. "Cause you freaked out before and I don't want to do it again". Sounds nice but I gotta call bs on that. You are divorcing me, why do you care if I freak out?
Had our daily Tuesday night dinner after dance and I went home thinking...We are so far apart its not funny. She is pleasant but starts no conversation with me at all. We wouldn't talk if I did start.
I mentioned in last post that we talked about going to lunch to try and spark something but after the last few days I'm beginning to realize that we are nowhere ready for that. I don't want to have to ash her to go to lunch, I want her to WANT to go to lunch. So I decided that it is in my best interest to pull father back.
? For anybody willing to answer. We still have joint account, plus W has her own account that her paycheck goes into. This used for day care and her work related needs. $ has been very tight these last few months cause I'm trying to budget 2 households. I want to open my own account and start putting some of my work check in it to begin a nest egg cause I can't live with mom forever. If I do that then W will not be able to cover all of the bills. My concern is that this will push her away from me but how much concern should I have???
W called me on phone today to talk about our kids and conversation turned to D. We talked about how we are not getting anywhere and what the status was. W said that when we are together she is happy and that she feels that the R are good but after I am away she gets confused. W said she has made her decision (D) but is now second guessing it because of different things, one being the 180's/steps I have taken. I asked W if she was happy and she said that she is less stressed and not negative but would not say that she is happy. She said that she changes her mind about the D from day to day. Talked ended with her saying that she wanted for things to stay the same.
It has been extremely difficult for me to detach from the outcome of this sitch. The $ in our sitch and the fact that I am scrapping up her crumbs has left me with the feeling that I have no control over myself and that I am letting her dictate me emotionally. I feel that there are no boundaries to our sitch.
So I went to her work and told her the following: You know my intentions/beliefs about our relationship but at this time I can't continue to feel like I do. I need to focus on the kids and me and to do that some changes need to be made. I am taking control of my $ but will continue to support you financially. I also need sometime for me so I want communication between us to only be about the kids. I am not forcing you to make a decision or giving you a ultimatum. We both need to focus on ourselves right now.
W agreed, told me to open my own account and put my check in it. Said we need guidelines on how things are going to go. I needed to do this for me. I need to get to the point that I know I will be fine whatever the outcome and I can't get there by doing what I was doing, which was nothing. Big picture I don't know if this was right move to getting back together, all I know is what I was doing was working in that direction. I did not do this to make her see how hard it will be financially. I wondering thou if I did enough? I'm thinking now that I should have asked for the D paperwork and let the chips fall where they may.
Man I was close today. While I was talking to W the words "If you want it, you got it" or "you have until this date to make your decision" were on the tip of my tongue. I don't know why but they almost came out. After I left her part of me was disappointed that I didn't say either one of them.
Saturday will mark the two month mark that I moved out of the house. I have really tried in this time to do 180's and I would give my self a grade of A. By doings these they have not only put doubt into my W's choice but has brought me closer to my kids and my church.
I have tried to GAL and would grade myself D. The little I have done has not done anything to improve my mind. I have zero motivation to go do anything and when I force myself all I do is think about my W the entire time.
So two months into this and I have very little to show for it as to improve my sitch. Not only have I made very little progress in making myself feel better I have not seen one positive baby step that would encourage me that W will not D me. I made a choice today that what I was doing (showing and telling how things will be better) was not working. So I decided to gain control of my $ and tell the W that we needed more space. How did she respond? She said that it sounds great and that she doesn't care about the money and she is in no hurry to make up her mind.
After talk with W yesterday, I was a mess last night. When I got to work this morning I called her for no reason at all. I was scared, I took a huge step back. Did not even make it 24 hours after I told her that I didnt want to talk to her.
She mentions that she broke her lent promise becuase she was so upset that I said what I did. Now she knows I will cave. I continue to do everything wrong. I give up. Thanks to all who have offered advice.
Have the kids from Thursday to Sunday and had the chance to take then to a carnival at my sisters grade school last night. Kids had fun but its ironic cause that type of event were the kinds W always took the kids to. That also made it hard on me, seeing all the families together and my kids asking if mom is coming. W called to tell the kids goodnight and I only spoke to her when I answered the phone.
Today I took the kids to see Rango. They had fun but again I struggled mightily with the thoughts of wanting W to be there to do stuff as a family. Kids again asked if mom was going and every time I hear that its tears me up inside.
After the doom I wonder if I took a step in the right direction, even if it was for wrong reasons. W LOVES movie popcorn. We had extra leftover and kids wanted to call mom and give the extra to her. I told them that mom was busy and they can take it home tomorrow. I could fill a notebook with the pursuing gestures that I have done in last 2 months. Asking to join us at church, park, play games, movies etc. First time I had kids after I moved out we went to movie and took W the extra popcorn to her work. Would have kids call W and tell her how the event was. I am sure you could guess how many times W has tried to include me with family outgoing or nice gesture. ZERO
So I thought why am I making her feel better by giving her a glimpse into our family time when she has made it clear she could care less when the roles are reversed.
Side note: have my father/son breakfast with FIL tomorrow. Should be interesting.
Well, your WAW is certainly the one pulling all the strings in the stitch. Couldn't make you feel too good about yourself, I'd think.
Have a few suggestions & questions.
Sometimes we women say we are unhappy when really we've become very bored with the MR. She may say it's b/c she's not happy with who she's become, but she's putting the blame on you. She is either thinking about a different path or has already flirted with it. That's why she was ready to file but then wanted to wait. On and off....go and stop....hot and cold. What's pulling her strings?
Have you set goals toward becoming a more attractive & interesting male? You can't control her thoughts or behavior, (and please don't try to tell her how she truly feels)... but you can work toward not being dull, routine, and predictable. Have you changed anything about your appearance or habits? Are you able to GAL that doesn't involve her or the kids?
Stop the excuses to contact her. Stop the invites. Stop the R talks.
You really need to stop dropping by her job to see her.....especially to discuss things of a private matter or taking the kids in when you've been out with them. That's not attractive to a lot of WAW's b/c it looks very needy & pursuing. She won't tell you that, but I will.
What type of work does she do? Is she not able to support herself?
Did she ask you to move out of the home or did you think that was what you should do?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Good question. I never really thought about that. She has told me so many times that she is unhappy with who she has become and that it was my fault. She is very focused on the kids. She revolves her life around them and has this image of a perfect family that I have been unable to live up to. She told me that people have told her that she would not be able to make it financially and she said she didn't care about money. I think she likes to have full control of her and the kids activities and that is what is driving her. The opposition to her perfect family is out of the way.
-GAL without her/kids-Change in routine-
I have not been able to GAL outside of her and kids. I joined basketball league went to gym a few times but that's it. Neither of them have given me any confidence in myself or taken my mind off of the W.
As for the change in routine, I have done so but it has been doing stuff with kids that I didn't do before. I am always clean shaven and try to dress nice when I around her but I am not sure how to make myself more interesting to her? I thought about maybe buying some new clothes but besides that I really don't know.
-Work she does-
She works at a business owned by my SIL. Answers phones, ships orders etc. She will not be able to support herself financially. We get by paycheck to paycheck as it is. With my CS her income will be cut in half. I really have not brought up $ to her but she is adamant that she could care less about it.
-Me moving out-
This was my decision. We have had problems before and she has told me that she want me out of the house a few times over the last few years. Even before the bomb dropped I knew that our M was on its last breath. I knew I had some serious soul searching to do and that I needed to make real changes. I did not think I would be able to accomplish this by staying in the house. Like I said before, it was a double edge sword, I have made those changes (she said the other day the reason she is flip floping is "you finally changed, after asking you 500 times to do it you finally did it" but once I made the move out and after we explained to kids why I left she says that she would never be able to do this again in the future if things went back to the way they were before. She would be stuck. We got this far why would she put all of us through this again.
Not sure if these are the answers you are looking for. Your thoughts?
I believe that women have to be motivated by something or somebody before they decide to leave a M. Since women make a lot of decisions based on "feelings", then I tend to think she was being encouraged to end the M.
Sometimes a really bad MR, for a long period of time, will prompt the W to end it. She thinks anything would have to be better than living in that! If that's her reason, then I'd have to ask what were you doing that was making the R do bad? What was her list of complaints against you? If she's blaming you for her self-loathing, what was it?
Some women find themselves in an emotionally dead MR b/c they gave all their time and energy to the kids. The needed time for a living R was not respected. Most fall into this category, I think. When the M is not nurtured, then the feelings of attraction began to fade. For women, if they start to lose respect for the H, their attraction will die. After that, it's not long before they admit they don't love the H any longer. They want to find something out there that will "make" them happy. So, the journey begins. At first, it's more of a fantasy and thinking how it would be just to be free and single.
If there is anyone around to take sides with her and agree that you're a bum who doesn't deserve her, then the fire is fanned. She begins to seriously think about S or D.
When a woman is unhappy in her M, it leaves her vulnerable to an emotional A with......whoever. Sometimes it's a coworker, mailman, contact over FB with old flame, or the Internet. If another man tells her how sexy she is and that he has feelings for her....she's in terrible danger.
So, tell me about the SIL who owns the place of employment. Is this your W's sister or what? Is the SIL M, S, D? Could be a source of influence, maybe? OTOH, it doesn't mean she is. What kind of R do you and SIL have? Just a thought.
Is she running with a different group of friends? Many times when a person is going to change their M status, their friends change also b/c they want those who have the same morals and life styles and tend to stay away from pro-M folks.
Quote:
I have not been able to GAL outside of her and kids. I joined basketball league went to gym a few times but that's it. Neither of them have given me any confidence in myself or taken my mind off of the W.
It won't at first, but it's very important that you do things that you enjoy, be around your guy friends, etc., b/c based on what hundreds of people have said...that's what helps to bring back your confidence and appreciation for life. That is what helps to make you interesting. Besides, a woman needs to see a man for more than just a good dad. So, hit the gym, or hike....whatever for exercise, but really get out there and get some kind of life. The more you are sociable, the more things you'll think of doing and that helps make you attractive. Google what women find attractive in men, and read up. New clothes are great, but you might decide to cut your hair differently, or shave it off! Change colognes!
Quote:
she said the other day the reason she is flip flipping is "you finally changed, after asking you 500 times to do it you finally did it"
Sad but true that it seems to take this to wake some folks. About all you can do is validate when she says this.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
New clothes are great, but you might decide to cut your hair differently, or shave it off! Change colognes!