Divorcebusting.com Forums Divorcebusting.com Archives For Newcomers Archives Let Us Be Outstanding Together - 2

Hokay. Here's the message I'm gettin' ready to send Beckie-Weckie-The-Wacky-Walk-Away. Am I reaching for levity? Definitely. But hey. My thread. My rules!!!


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Subject: Counseling

I was able to reschedule our appointment with the counselor tomorrow.

We will be calling you at 6 pm MST

I know we haven't spoken, so if that doesn't work for you it's not a problem.

Just ignore the call and then I will send you details to reschedule a time with her yourself.

Hope you and the kids are doing well.


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She's really pis*ed at me right now so it's not likely she will show, but I want to keep you guys up to date to help me stay on course after that.

What do you think of the message? Anything I should add or change?

Thanks.

I think it is fine Bust.

Don't expect anything ok?

No expectations. Got it.

Guys I'm feeling really strong today so I'm just gonna put this out there...

I have now accepted the fact that I did not care enough about myself, my marriage, or my relationship with L---- to face these challenges when I was with her.

I have now also fully accepted the fact that for her it is too late, and she may never want to be anything more than freinds with me again.

She may never decide to work on our marriage.
She may never want to live with me or sleep with me again.

I can now see and accept those as POSSIBILITIES just as easily as I can see and accept the POSSIBILITY of the polar opposite happening and us finally coming together and living happily ever after as I desire.

And, I am certain that somewhere deep inside of her, she still has that desire, too.

I watched my wife's favorite movie last night. The Notebook.

This woman is mine and I am hers.

Period.

BM:

Just got caught up with your sitch. I'm gonna give you a slight 2X4 about sending your wife that txt again about finding someone new. What are you trying to accomplish by continuously telling her that? Of course she is going to be p'd off. I would be too if I were her. You are trying to call her bluff and it's not working. She doesn't want you or the M right now and if you keep this chatter up, you can forget this M ever standing a chance.

You also cannot keep pushing her about the DB Session. I know she had said she wanted to particpate, but she could've changed her mind which it sounds like she has. This may be due to your text message as well. You have to firmly decide whether you want to continue to DB or not whether the D happens or not. Use the session(s) for yourself. You can no longer count her participation. As True said, leave it up to her to reschedule or take a session for herself.

You have to detach better and stop over analyzing her every move and word. It hinders YOUR progress to commit to the change you seem to want and need.

Here is me smiling at myself. That previous post wasn't exactly articulated as clearly as I thought that I was thinking, but I know how I am feeling.

What I'm feeling is my "neutral mind" model.

The awareness that while my negative mental impulses - the thoughts coming from that part of my mind which is always trying to protect me and steer me away from pain - while that is in constant opposition to my positive mental impulses - the thoughts coming from that part of my mind which is always so creative and steering me towards pleasure...

While those two opposing forces battle for supremacy within my brain, what allows me to rise above the drama and decide what is truly best is knowing my essential purpose.

From that neutral point of view that place within my mind and heart where I have already decided who I am and what I'm really all about, it is easier for me to gather information, to assess what is real, and make decision that serves my purpose.

With respect to my marriage and my wife, my essential purpose, the only real need here is to "be the best husband I can be."

Doing ONLY what meets the real need, and saying "No" to everything else, is helping me be me.

ZEN!

Thank you so much for that 2x4.

Wish I had been hit by it a whole lot sooner, but thank you for ensuring I really got it.

Have made more mistakes than I can possibly imagine, so to help myself improve whenever I read this thread I am going to post this little reminder and go back to study and practice the ways of Zen.

Here's the sound of one hand clapping just for you, my friend.

You are AWESOME!

We ALL have made mistakes that's why we are here!!! What's cool about us, is our recognition and that we are doing something about it. And it doesn't matter how we got here. The point is we did and that doesn't always happen.

You are too kind to me BM! I feel like I'm always giving you 2X4's!!!

BTW....I have that book too, Getting Back Together. One of the many faves in my self-help/relationship book library. I'm actually re-reading it now. I've read DR about a dozen times that I needed to switch it up a bit!!!

Stay the course!

I think also that text was the last remnants of my insecurity about my resolve and my commitment to DB, whether we divorce or not. It totally came from fear and lack of focus.

The truth is I wasn't 100% sure and confident of what I really wanted until that little outburst and some things that happened afterward.

Now I am.

My last few posts have been moving in the direction of who I must become and what I really want and need.

I'm now fully accepting my mistakes, my lack of self-confidence, my contributions to the problems, my lack of personal responsibility...

I'm getting better and feeling better too.

I know who I really am. I know what I really need. I know who and what I want.

Being accountable is a very admirable step. Do you realuze how many people still go thru life and don't have any? And they are still wondering why what happend and why they are stuck!

Okay. Her response came back.

First the goods news is, when her message appeared in my inbox, I did something new.

I didn't open it right away.

Instead, I got up. I walked away. I managed my state. I took control of my thoughts and feelings an got to a neutral place where I could observe rather than react.

That was big win for me and a positive step forward.

Now here's the confusing news...

She responded:

"I told you I work tonight!"

Actually, she told me a few days ago that she is teaching a class from 4:30 to 5:30. Our appointment is at 6 and it is on the phone, so I am confused by what she's saying.

She does work nights as well, but if she is working after teaching tonight it doesn't make much sense to me because she wouldn't have time to get from her teaching gig to her job.

At any rate, her response was less negatively charged than I expected, and as I said I am learning not to expect anything one way or another - just to simply be and see things as they are...

So I'm still feeling pretty good.

I'm gonna take my DB session at 6 pm, I won't call her at the time of the appointment, and meanwhile I will think some more about how I might reply to her response.