Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Piecing Our Marriage Back Together Again Piecing is almost harder than before #2...

Harrier - I get you man.

This is the part that is the hardest for me....

My sitch is a little different, there was no EA or PA at all. However, there is a similarity. They can compartmentalize. I think back to when W was telling me about her bad times. I see those bad times, but I also see plenty of good times during the same time-frame. If things were so bad, how could they also be so good? W says that was when she "was trying". WTF. So how do I know that the good times now are really good? Are those just more "trying" or are they real? How will I EVER know that when things are good they are "really" good or just "trying" to be good? That's the part that drives my second thoughts and hence my crazy-ness. It would be so much easier if it had really been just plan bad before and now was better.

Clarify: You mean you don't think I had this type of talk with my wife?

You'd be wrong. : )



I cannot think or recall any books that don't. However I believe these books also caution the LBS to be careful and not over burden the spouse who had the affair.

"On Sept 9th did you or did you not go to dinner with another man?"

"I think sooo..."

"You think so? You THINK so? I have the proof right here!! Why are you lying to me? What else did you do? What did you order/ What color eyes did the waitress have?!?!"



That...desire for answers? That becomes additive too. Like Snooping...and when you can't find something you decide to keep looking deeper and deeper, you almost feed your own paranoia until you do discover something.

When I first brought up this topic in on that fateful day in Dec. 2010. My wife was willing to answer my questions, but she had one warning. She said, "Once it's out there, it is out here. You can't un-ring that bell. Now do you still want to know?"

At that point I declined because it was too early in the process.

How was it for you JTB?

I believe this post has some of what you are looking for:

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...852#Post1413852

We talked...actually I talked. But she agreed to it.

I recall saying that I was going to have questions, and I was going to do my best not to ask them every time we talked, or were together. In fact I was going to do my best not to ask questions or want to have an R talk.

But to figure on once every month or so, in the meantime if something was really bothering me and I couldn't figure it out on my own, I'd bring it up with her. I also told her that I wanted to trust her, but I'd be verifying that my trust was not misplaced.

Harrier, I really came to the conclusion that many of the questions I really really thought I needed the answers to...became unimportant in the face of her working toward being us.

I trust my wife because of all the days we pieced together. Not from the time prior to it, if that makes sense. I trust my wife, because she showed me she was worth it.

Actually, I read that before. (I wanted to see who I was dealing with ;-) )

I'm pretty sure that I know more than my wife ever wanted me to know or find out about - stuff that she didn't get to censor because she didn't know I was reading it. That is why I'm confident on some of my statements about the EA.

I like this.

"I trust my wife because of all the days we pieced together. Not from the time prior to it, if that makes sense. I trust my wife, because she showed me she was worth it."

That makes complete sense to me.

I so wanted to bring up my anxiety with my W the last few days, but I didn't and I was able to work through it on my own. I'm feeling much better today and more positive.

My W had a busy couple days with early morning meetings and working late last night. That also meant I didn't get to spend the time with her I wanted and I took the lion share of kid duty. But I was okay because I wanted to give her that.
The thing that bothered me was that my W said that she was worthless with helping out. I think it was her way of dealing with the guilt of feeling like she wasn't keeping up. (This is something that has been an issue. I was doing too much - she felt guilty and I felt resentment.)

I wrote her a email that said I know her week was busy and I know my part of the deal when that happens. When my time comes to lean on her she will be there and I said if things get too much I will let her know because I don't want to screw up our progress. And I like spending time with my boys.
I also said that i know she was kidding but she is far from worthless. I said she was a great mom, great wife/partner and great friend and considering where we were that is more than I can ask for.

First off...it is perfectly normal to go through this. I did yesterday too. I was packing for our move and wanted to just pack all of my stuff in a suitcase and be done with it...was it something in the gamma rays from the sun?

anyway...it was just a day...that's it.

I know it doesn't help too much to hear its normal but it is. I'm sure you have great days too. Guess what? So does she. She has those days that have NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU but we still feel like it does. That just makes all of this stink.

I thought about this. I have reacted to little things WAY much more than I did pre-bomb. You know why? I was comfortable in my relationship. It's that easy. Now, I don't want to go back to where I was in the relationship there but I wasn't this little insecure b##tch. I hate when I feel that.

The question I have for you is, have you thought about having a different conversation about the R? What I mean is that you can express how YOU feel about certain things like the touching. Say it in a way that makes you hurt. Like, Babe it makes me feel neglected when you don't touch my shoulder when you walk by me or don't kiss me goodbye. I miss the attention you gave me and I hurt because of it.

Maybe not those exact words but something that puts it in a way that isn't accusatory...like Why don't you touch me?

I have to tell you, I just did this with my W. Using kind, gentle words and I saw immediate dividends. I told her that it hurt that I couldn't get close to her and that I was missing an emotional connection with her. She said she was doing as much as she could and that it was hard. I agreed and understood but also said that sometimes we do something that is difficult or unfamiliar until it becomes something we like and want to do. I then gave her a huge hug that was a lot more sensual than our normal ones.

I see that as a step forward. Honestly, I was getting tired of just sitting back and waiting BUT I didn't force her. Some may think that conversation was forcing but I think that because we speak different love languages and she doesn't speak mine, it is hard for her to even know what to do.

By me telling her, it gave her a little road map. A check list, if you will to follow.

anyway...it's just a thought...

Bolt...
I don't know. I'm of two minds about this. I do see a need to bring it up at some point. I see piecing where you get to express some of your need.

But I don't know if I like the wounded puppy approach. Anything you would say I would add something like "I know that you aren't there yet and I"m not trying to pressure you." or something.

Unless your W is totally clueless, she knows you miss that stuff. I'm sure she'd like it to when she's ready. I think you have to acknowledge how difficult those things are for her. I do wonder if those conversations put pressure on her or do they plant the seed?

Also, if you have the convo, have it once and don't bring it up again and again. Lord I made that mistake.

As for me, I only noticed dividends when I stopped talk about it, stopped looking for it and stopped expecting it.

Three times this week my W told me she loved me. (she also told me I was a great husband and dad) Mind you she hasn't said anything like this since Mid Dec. She is also starting to show affection - gave me a hug and kiss this morning.

I guess that's not really an answer or advice.

That's a slice of fried gold.

So....some news:

Yesterday was a good day. No, a great day. In the afternoon, W and I were TM back and forth about our days. She thought she would get out early, but turned out she couldn't. Good conversation. As it was ending, without really thinking, I included a line that said "See you when we see you. Would love to kiss you hello. ily". No response, but that was ok because we were ending the conversation.

For the next hour or so, I was a little stressed. Did I lead or did I push? Did I make my needs known, or did I pressure her to do something she's not ready to do? How do I respond if (a) she's upset, (b) she ignores it, (c) she kisses me, (d) she says she's not ready. I thought about each scenario and planned my response.

She calls an hour later on her way home. Good conversation. Light and nice. No mention of kiss. Ok, so at least she's not pissed at least. That's good, stress gone.

She get's home. I greet her as I have been and about 5 minutes later....she Kisses me! Nothing fancy, but nice on the mouth even a little parting of the lips. I had to step in the other room for a couple minutes after so the kids wouldn't see me tear up.

W having a tough morning today so that put a little damper on it. She's exhausted from a tough week and hasn't slept well. Otherwise, I'm on cloud nine. I won't push anything. I don't expect to be swinging from the chandelier this weekend if you know what I mean, but if the time is right, I may invite her to snuggle a bit while watching TV. Only if it feels right, I won't push it.

Baby steps.

W and I was TM this morning a bit.

I said "BTW, thanks for the kiss. I'm sure that wasn't easy for you and I really loved it. Made me tear up in a joyful way. ily"

Her: "No, it wasn't and you are welcome. ily"

Me: "Hopefully with time it will get easier and easier. Your efforts are appreciated. ily"

I know she was being honest, but it stung a little bit. Kinda took the air out of my feeling good over the kiss in the first place.