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Yes GAG, I think the trust issues will be a really big deal for me. I know the convo I have with him re ow should help. I have to keep in mind that he has made no promises to me either.

Yes, loved what rabbit wrote and I am trying to enjoy the peace between us and the knowledge that H is available to me now in a way he wasn't before and this is a step in the right direction.

I think it finally dawned on me that H cared for me when we hugged goodbye and he kissed the top of my head. It seemed to be a very protective and loving action. When I feel fearful and cynical I need to draw on that image.

And ow has moved out but he says they are still together.

Cas,

I know this was not what you had hoped to hear from H. It doesn't negate that there has seemed to be definite movement by your H in the tunnel.

Keep the faith Cas, and the path lit.

(((HUGS)))

Thanks Seeking. There's definite movement. He tells me she has moved from the area but I don't think I can honestly continue to keep things going in this way. I need to be true to myself. I can't chase what's not available. He said that her moving in with him was always intended to be temporary. Still strange because she moved her son from his school when she moved in with H and H says she has moved away from the area. The portrait is gone. Coincidence? He starts communicating with me again after months of silence. I am so confused and so annoyed that I got sucked in again. I always believe the best of him and once again I shouldn't have.

Cas,

Do not be annoyed at yourself. View this as being an opportunity to show your H your changes. It really gives him much to think about.

As far as confused, well, your H has the corner on that. You're not confused, you know what you want...

Hi Cas,

I am sorry that he did not tell you they had split.

He told you she has moved to another area.
He told you they are still together.

With that being said, look at the positives you have been given in the past week. Look at his being. Go back and listen to his words. Your H is changing and coming out of the fog. This is the first time in ages that you have had conversations with him that did not convict you and the marriage to doomsville.

He has been more open and candid with you, you have received a genuine sense of his thoughts and feelings. This stuff is real.
He has expressed and is trying to show you/tell you that he is in a place where it is now possible for a reconnection. He has asked for your patience.

Do you give up after you have come so far?

You know the drill....there are many touch and goes before they become more realistic and have promise.

This new positive movement is very different from last year. Last year he appeared to enjoy your company without the honesty and the words and expressions to back it up.

Currently you have not only the enjoyment of your company.....YOU have been given words and feelings and thoughts....

You are under pressure right now to file the paperwork. He is not talking divorce. He is opening his heart and eyes and ears to the possibilities.

Cas, you have the power in your pinky finger to send him sprinting back into the tunnel. AND you have the power to continue to draw him out.

(((Cas)))) I know very well how hard it is to be on a high from H's words and actions as if lifted by a helium balloon only to have H put a bb in my balloon and I fall to earth in a major hurtful heap. I am not sure this is what has happened to you this time.

I am thinking that he is not telling you the whole story so's to keep you without expectations and not to lead you on right from the git go. I have a feeling they are on a break. She made a lot of permanent moves for someone who was in a temporary living arrangement, very weird indeed....especially moving son from a school only do disrupt him again.

My suggestion is play it cool. Wait and watch. Carry on with your day to day. Be the endearing and wonderful Cas that you are to H when he makes contact. Do not look for trouble. You have been in a much worse pickle with him before.

Cas, you can continue on...you can do this without looking like you are waiting for him. You aren't done yet. I know this.

Patience

Timing

Positives

No Expectations

(((((Hugs)))))

Sanderika

In my previous post I meant:

You ARE NOT under any pressure right now to file the paperwork.

It sure would be nice if they would let us edit again.
I can't understand why they took it away.

Hi Seeking and Sanderika,
Thanks for your words of wisdom. I'm not sure what to make of all this......H and I had another long skype convo last night but he had no contact otherwise all day. Then I asked about ow. He said she had moved from the area and commented that this should make me happy. Then I asked if they were still a couple and he said I'm still seeing her if that's what you mean. Then he basically said he now wouldn't be in contact and wouldn't be coming to swimming and was gone. So all his talk about communicating properly and not running away failed on the very first sign of a problem.

So what to do? Let him go or keep contact .......... I observed lots of positive changes but underneath it all he is still selfish......

Last night he asked about my parents again and his apology to them. I don't want to be his counsellor. I can't really be a friend because I'll just get hurt and upset when he goes on holidays or concerts with ow. Perhaps he was only softening me for the financial settlement.

However, I still wonder about what's going on. Ow and her son move here from 20 mins away to move in with H and he says they'll see how it goes. He indicates to me that in May he'll stay at my house while I'm away but says she may have moved out by September. He says it's a temporary move but H tells our son it will help his financial situation. Her s changes school. Just a few weeks later she is out of the area. The portrait is gone but the other items are still there. She's moved suburbs as well. Her s will have moved schools again. He reinitiates contact with me. he hasn't told our son she has moved out. Is this just me or does something not add up?

Cas

Another update:

I text H this morning but he was resistant to anything I said. I took a risk and went to his place and spoke with him. When I rang the doorbell he asked me in and offered me a coffee. We sat and spoke for a short time. He got a bit annoyed about the whole thing and told me that it was up to me. I can either be friends knowing he is still with ow or I can choose not to be friends but he is not giving up ow just because I don't like him being with her.

D, my spy tells me the portrait has been replaced with a photo frame of 4 photos of her. She is very definitely still on the scene.

D goes on camp this week and H and I had made tentative plans to do something Wed night. He said he was no longer interested in going out but I sensed that his threat was empty. He needed to go to get ready for work so I insisted staying until he agreed to go out and I was being quite silly and slightly flirty at the same time. He agreed to come out, just to get rid of me. At the same time I got two genuine hugs and to chaste kisses but on the lips.

In the brief time we spoke H said he didn't want complications and issues and I agreed. I sense that he has given too much of his inner thoughts lately and he's on the verge of retreat. So......I see I have three options a. go dark b. make no contact until Tues night with a suggestion of somewhere to go and hope he agrees to come or c. send a few quick texts to touch base over the next few days and then touch base for Wed night. Thoughts please

Cas, I have been thnking about your sitch ever since you posted that OW is still in the picture. This is the point at which you need to think long and hard.

My firm belief is that adultery, even MLC adultery, is emotional abuse. They put their feelings ahead of what is kind and right. It isn't OK. Your h knows you love him. Do you allow the abuse to continue?

Even his language is passive aggressive - 'you can choose not to be friends'??? What he is doing is unacceptable. But he is putting the 'blame' on you if your friendship ends, not acknowledging in any way shape or form that it is actually his action in having a relationship with another woman, who he puts ahead of you and your daughter, that is the real problem. Sorry to be tough but that is the reality.

These guys have no kindness, no empathy, and no real thoughtfulness. It is all about them, and what makes them feel good. It isn't about love. Standing for marriage is not saying yes to whatever bad behaviour your spouse decides to get up to. The OW is a symptom of something very wrong, and you can't fix it. I wonder if by being around at all we even slow the process down? But I don't know.

In your shoes I would not continue to see him. Your last behaviour in going to se him was defintely pursuing, and insisting you go out on Wednesday night . . . . .hmmm. It is his choice in continuing his relationship that is the problem, not yours in not accepting it. Who would? Would your h if the roles were reversed? I doubt it.

Someone said a long time back that the role of the lbs teeters constantly between being a doormat and a B*tch. There is no reasonable response to abuse, because the abuser is not reasonable. I would walk away [go as dark as is possible] until he sorts himself out, for your own sake. Remember some of them never come out of the tunnel, despite promising signs from time to time. But whatever you decide, stop pursuing him. Not a good idea imo.

Hugs