Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Recovering after a same sex affair - Part 3

Yes... and... yes.

You answered your own question Sparks. I am not familiar with your sitch. Sorry. But the one thing that is true of every sitch here is that you do NOT, and can NOT, control the decisions or choices of your S.

You control only you.

I know that it is so much easier said that done my friend... but it can be done.

Have confidence in what you are doing... have your eye on the prize... visualize your success...

success in improving yourself AND

success in saving your M.

And be patient.

BITS
Denver

Thanks, Denver. I can visualize this path. I just need to find the stomach for it on a daily basis.

She is getting her own apartment next Saturday. I know that will present itself an opportunity for me to get emotional and show a bad side of me. I need to suck it up and give her space. Confidence. I have to totally detach from the OW and any concerns with the OW.

I think I have a grasp for what I need to do, I just need the reassurances from the BITS to keep me going.

Detach, sweetie. You know the right things to do. I know you question yourself, mostly because you want to keep the attachment. You sort of need to approach detaching and GAL like you are going to take no prisoners. No looking back, Sparks. Only moving FORWARD.

You are doing great!!!!

I'm praying for you.

LIS

Thanks, LIS! It's hard to detach completely with exchanging our son daily, couples therapy, and weekly dinners.

Even with my wife moving into her own apartment, do you think I should keep up with all of this contact but just avoid texting or calling her for anything other than co-parenting logistics? And even keep those brief?

Of course no relationship talk unless it is in our couples therapy, but should I just trust our therapist to guide that conversation? And no mention of OW at all.

why ARE you having dinner with her one night a week?

Seperate your accounts NOW
Do not keep bending over backward to do her favors

if she wants the stroller, let her ask. If she forgets it, oh well

back off and let her sink or swim without taking you down with her

and STOP ASSUMING ANYTHING ABOUT HER
you don't know
she is living her own life now
live yours

The dinners were suggested by our couples therapist. They were originally intended as a place where we could talk about our R away from the house she did not feel safe in. Once the whole email hacking saga came out, our couples therapist said that all R talk should only occur in her office once a week. She suggested we could continue the dinners to have no R talk. We take our baby with us, but it is the one time a week that we just get to have stress free conversation. It is also the prime time where I show off my 180.

I am not going in the dark yet, so I am not sure the once a week dinners should be cancelled.

I have already started to separate the accounts. We live paycheck to paycheck, but my next is going straight to my solo account. I will let her know of this decision on Tuesday. I will also split that account on Tuesday, although she really has not been spending off that account at all.

I do need to detach. The stroller was a move where I was waiting for your 2x4.

I do need to detach and back off. I am working really hard to live my own life and stop assuming what she is up to. Harder to act on then to write. I am trying, though. I do think I am making progress.

My W comes over tonight to drop off our S. I am upbeat and ask if they had a good day. They did. She explains some stuff about S. She then initiates convo about the $1900. She said that the money did come through, and that I may have noticed that she took it out. I calmly told her that we would discuss it on Tuesday at couples therapy. You could tell she was backpedaling and said something about it being money that we were not expecting and kind of like "free" money found. I told her again that I would discuss it with her on Tuesday. She tried one last time and mentioned that she was using it to put down on her apartment when she signs the papers on Monday. I again calmly said that I would talk to her about it on Tuesday.

Wow. Nice try at backpedaling on her part. I guess she doesn't understand that this free money found really should have been used while I was busting my a$$ working overtime at work to survive as soon as our baby was born. This free found money from September was not money that she could simply take out of the account to use towards her new apartment. Add in the fact that she said that she would update me on the details last week, and she didn't. Not only that, but she decided not to tell me when it was deposited nor did she think to ask me before she pulled out on a Saturday morning.

I am going to bring her up to speed on the splitting accounts on Tuesday. I am going to tell her that we will also be taking her off my cell phone and car insurance plans. That $1800 tax refund that I agreed to split with her at our therapist's suggestion, since we were still technically married and filling jointly. She can kiss that goodbye. It's a wash to me.

She will soon understand that this is her decision to move out. She will have to figure this out on her own. Figg you are correct on that.

Had my baby boy all night last night and have him all day today.

Even though the W let him nap for two hours before she brought him over. I was still able to get him through his bedtime routine and asleep not too late. W even sent a text later asking if S was asleep or if we were up partying. Gave her the details in one short text. She sent text back telling me how great that was. I did not reply.

Today I have goals.

1. Have a great day with my S.
2. Don't even think about W.
3. Don't initiate any contact with W and be very brief with her attempts if any.

Detach. GAL. 180.

Thanks, BITS, for all your help!

nice job with the money talk

Thanks, Figg. It's interesting. This is the first time that I have really gotten angry concerning my wife's behavior. Even when I discovered the A and all of the lies, I loved my W so much that I just wanted to save the M.

I guess I am starting to get to a point where I am moving on inside. Don't get that confused with giving up. I just think that I have a little more clarity now that some time has passed.

I am still on the roller coaster, but I feel right now that the ups and downs are starting to get smaller.