Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Recovering after a same sex affair - Part 3

She was with our S in his nursery as I was leaving. I don't think she was planning on staying long. I didn't consider it a big deal at the time. When she discovered that she was parked behind me, she decided to go ahead and leave as well. If there were motives, I guess she could have just moved her car and let me go.

She has her own place now. When she comes over to my place with the baby, she usually does not stay just to hangout for long periods of time.

What is your concern, Figg?

I am just wondering why she is using your house as a hang out place?

it's like she is getting the best of both worlds...
you are making it too easy, in my opinion, to not have to deal with her decision to leave...since you really aren't having her leave.

Are you spending that much time at her house? I thought I read you hadn't been there yet

why is she then spending so much time at YOUR house?

it seems like you are sliding quite nicely into the role as really good friend/babysitter

is that where you want to be?

Thanks, Figg. She does not often "hangout" at my house. We have to meet there often to exchange our son. She never stays for more than an hour if that.

Due to our co-parenting, we are getting to a place where we want the other parent to have more access when the child is with the other parent. I want my W to feel comfortable coming to the house to assist in S bedtime routine. She wants to make her apartment accessible for me to come over for the same. It is very important for both of us to provide our 6 month old with both parents in this time of his development. I have read a ton where this is very important especially when the parents are separated. Some even believe that daily interaction with both parents is key, but that would be impossible if I support my W's needs for space and my detachment. We are just trying to do what we can here without pressure or smothering.

Last night, my W called concerning our sick S. He had been vomiting over and over again. She was in tears and very scared and asked that I come over. It was an odd moment when I had to ask my W where exactly she lived. I knew the apartment complex, but did not know which apartment.

I rushed over there. The two of us worked as a great team and took care of our sick boy. I spent a few hours over there. Before, she was not ready for me to go over there because she hadn't completely moved in. It was kind of a mess, very small, and just not an ideal situation. She is sleeping on an air mattress next to a portable crib for the baby.

I was very confident and upbeat while over there. W and I handled a difficult situation very well. She even offered me a beer and we sat and talked about non-R stuff. The two of us are on very friendly terms.

I think the good friend/babysitter is not exactly where we are. I do think it is very important that our S comes first as much as possible. I also think it is important for us to remain as friendly as possible. Am I allowing my W to have the best of both worlds? I don't think that is really happening.

Hi Sparks - catching up a little - one thing from the other day, I think it is fair to call your wife on anything that is straight up crap/untrue - others may disagree with me. But, my H said he'd been wanting a D since before we had kids - I told him that was a load...that our daughter was created in a loving, happy place. I waited till later and calmer and just said I did not agree with that part of what he said. I would save disagreeing for things that are clearly just W having a big pity party. With her sexual orientation issues, she may truly feel that way. It may help your validating ring truer if you occassionally, non-confrontationally disagreed.

Also, I am on the fence about your co-parenting...H left me with a 5 month old and I suck it up and care for the baby and our 2.5 year old when he is not around. I make him suck it up and change poopy diapers or whatever when it is his watch. I leave him alone with both kids (not 100%/all the time - I care about their welfare) She's got to understand that the life she is choosing will stink, she's going to have some tough times. Again, I am on the fence, because I wish my H would show up and help out more. It means a lot when he does.

Thanks for checking in, AJ.

I have been trying to bite my tongue and keep validating her feelings right now. There have been times in therapy where I have mentioned that the problems that we were having were not the kind that warrant a divorce. This is probably not the best thing to mention, because I know my W is not in a place to think rationally. She brings up our relationship as trouble from the start and not the kind from Leave it to Beaver that she was envisioning. Our marriage has had ups and downs. I have done enough relationship reading lately to understand that this is expected. Relations and marriage take work. There will be ups and downs. It is all about how you learn from each other and nurture the marriage over time.

My W and I were truly in love. We were committed. I am not sure when the commitment became vulnerable to an A, but my W and I are communicating in therapy to come to a better understanding. I have read the long email history between W and OW. My W mentioned to OW several times that she was committed to our marriage and loved her H. She was just confused and at the same time excited about these new feelings and emotional connection to a W.

So in the end, I do think she is re-writing our history for self justification. Maybe to justify the A. Maybe to justify her new feelings for women. I don't know. I do know that I cannot change those feelings for her. I can balance them internally, but I have a hard time flat out denying them on her side.

The co-parenting piece is a difficult one. I understand what the professionals say about the importance of an infant needing a consistent home right now. 50/50 custody may not be ideal, but I both think my W and I are committed to raising our child and are both fantastic parents. The pressure I am getting is that we need to put the needs of our S in front of our own. History tells us that it is typically the mother that gains full custody of a child at this age. I can't get past that right now. She was terrified when I discovered the affair that I would want full custody. I told her that I did not want to take her S away from her and 50/50 was agreed on. I even went as far as destroying the copies of the emails that I had, since my W and therapist agreed that the results of those emails could be the evidence needed for me to pull full custody in our conservative county, and they were a wedge in our rebuilding process. Now she is telling me that 50/50 will not work, and she wants to talk with a parenting coordinator. I was not born yesterday. This person will be a professional source for my W to use to try and gain full custody of our child.

My individual therapist and family think that if this is approached, I simply tell me W that I do agree that our S should be in a stable, consistent home. Our home. My therapist believes that if she truly wants to put our child first. Then that means putting our S in front of her separation and self discovery. Those items don't mix.

Sorry to ramble. I guess that is where I think our situations are a little different. In my case, the mother chose to have the A and move out. I have a stable home, and I know that I am a very good father. My W hardly breastfeeds anymore, since she has very little time to pump anymore with her new job. Our S takes formula at all times when he is with me and everyday during daycare. I am not buying her excuse that she is his food source.

Sorry for the last ramble of a post. I know that you guys see a post that long and skip over it nine times out of ten.

Not much new today. Had my S last night which was nice. W came and picked him up this morning and stuck around for about an hour.

We have couples therapy tonight with nothing on the agenda (at least on my side). I hope that this will lead to a good session of communication instead of talking about logistics.

Hey - I read the long one mulling it over still, but wanted you to know I read it.

Hold fast to your custody. Whatever you do now is precedent setting, so if you don't change it and the baby does well, I think you're ok. I wish you had the emails still, but I wish more that you won't end up needing them

I just worry about you getting used - she moved out and dealing with no support at 2 am is how single motherhood works. But, do what's working, right? Cheese in the tunnel and all that.

If she pushes on child expert, you have a good comparison to reason with her - "look, you felt like those emails were a way I could take the baby from you. I feel like this child expert is a way you could take the baby from me. I'm sure that's not your intention, since we agreed that having time split like this is in his best interests since he will know his parents this way"

Frankly, once you are past breast feeding, which you are, I think you have a pretty good set up. The baby is too young to be confused about this and not old enough to have friend/school/room weirdness with the back and forth.

Wow Sparks, you and I have almost the exact same story almost exactly one year apart. I just joined this forum because of your story and to let you know someone else is going through a lot of what you did/are. Certainly each situation is unique but the similarities to mine are uncanny in a lot of regards. It looks like you are doing all the right things and everything you can. I won't hijack your thread with my story but if want to chat independently via email or otherwise, I would be happy to.

Thanks for taking the time to read my novel, AJ. I know my thoughts are still all over the place.

I am holding steady with the custody questions. We had our couples therapy yesterday. We both said there was no real agenda, so we actually had a very good session. However, at the very end, my W did mention the parenting coordinator. She told my therapist that she discovered that the woman that was supposed to be highly regarded and referred to is critically ill. She wondered if our therapist had any suggestions for somebody. Our therapist told my wife that she really did not.

This tells me that my W is still seeking somebody, but at least it is not an issue that is being dwelled on right now.

I do like your advice here. It tears me apart, though, because I do want what is in the best interest for my S. I just don't think that W is right trying to pull this card right now.

I am going to start a new thread shortly. I know that I am over 100 posts on this one.