Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis Where can I find stages of MLC?

Do an online search for midlifecrisisforum or something like that.

I ran across a bunch of support groups where he can actually interact directly with men going through it, and are trying to make things right.

MLC is such a different animal it goes beyond just marriage issues.

Hi Cadet,
sorry for the multiple posts. Are you saying I should just keep replying in this thread with new questions? new to this message board thing...

Very interesting that you say I shouldn't give him a book. Would you mind saying a little bit more about how it could make the situation worse? I have read Jed Diamond's books and I feel like they focus more on the biological/physcial than the psychological. My husband is clearly having an identity crisis so I think he may be more apt to dismiss Diamond's book as irrelevant. I liked Conroy's book b/c it was a quick easy read. Katherine Brehony's book I thought had some great Jungian analysis but is very dense.

Thanks for your feedback and sorry again for multiple posts.

Yes pick one of these threads and keep using it until you get to 100 posts then you can start a new one. That is the way they would like the board to work and it makes it easier for you and everyone else to follow the advice that you are getting, and what is happening in your sich.

The reason I say not to give him a book is in your own post:
Nothing is going to FIX this, not reading a book or standing on your head.
But you can make it worse!
That is why I say do not give him the books to read.
He more than likely will turn whatever you say around and use it against you.

I am in agreement with Cadet...nothing is going to change the course of your spouse's crisis. Yes, he may say he's interested in reading about mlc, but in all honesty, he might read a chapter and toss the book aside. Your h has to help himself...you can't do it for him. The broken "self image" was not done by you, therefore, you didn't break him, you can't fix him.

Educate yourself about mlc and depression. The most important things are: your finances, you and your family. The focus now has to be on you and your family. Again, you can't fix him.

Thanks snodderly and cadet. I appreciate the feedback. All of you pros must get so tired of giving the same advice over and over again to us hard-headed newbies--FOCUS ON YOURSELF AND FAMILY!!

I am trying desperately to let go. I met with a lawyer today and that was really helpful and empowering. I actually am looking forward to my H moving out because I think it will help me not to focus so much on him. I think i won't bring up the book stuff again but if he follows up and asks me for them, I am thinking Conroy's book might be the most straightforward.

Thanks again all!

Don't bother with giving them books. They won't read them.
They don't want to save the relationship. They want out.
They can't sort through their own thoughts and feelings, let alone read a book with anyone else's.

If your H is the one who has expressed an interest in reading about MLC, then give him the information he needs. But let him be the one to actually get the materials.

There are those in MLC who recognize that something is going on and need some kind of help or guidance. That midlife website I referred to earlier is filled with people who are in MLC and are trying to make sense of it all.

He has to be the one to actually initiate getting the materials and not because you bug him to.

I would caution against giving advice with all-inclusive undertones. Each MLCer is different. I agree, they are usually too deep in the fog to be reached, but a few, like my H, occasionally ask for help. But even then, they are often not ready to really hear the answer. I chose to give my H very simplistic answers/statements to his questions. If he asked more, then great. I left it in his court. In retrospect, I think he appreciated my discussion only. I don't think he really gained any insight. All we can do is be there for them when possible, and stay out of the way the rest of the time and spend it focusing on you.

To answer your question specifically, I beleive if and when he completes his MLC you will see more adccurate memeories of history, however until that time re-written history is normal.

You are asking good questions but they are about HIM.

How are you doing?

Have you done any of my homework assignements from above?

This is all very hard but you must start on your own journey and not worry about HIM and what he is doing.

Start reading and learning and make the first steps on what YOU must do.

It is a long hard road ahead, but you can do it!
One step at a time!

Thank you for all of your thoughts. I have been working hard on myself since he dropped the bomb. I have been in ic for 4 months, started working out, lost 20lbs, and generally feel really good about myself and how I am handling this all. I see ways in which our marriage wasn't perfect and my role in it and know that I want to and can be different in my next relationship--whether it is with my H or someone else. The hardest realization to come to is that ultimately I don't have control over him or the outcome of his journey. I think we all tend to delude ourselves that we have control in our lives that we actually do not. It can be just too terrifying to think otherwise. But ultimately t he only thing we really have control over is how we RESPOND to those things that happen in our lives that we don't want to be happening. I get I can't control his choices or the outcome but that I DO have power over my choices and how I conduct myself. Of course thoughts about him, questions ,worries about the kids creep in when I am in weak sad moments, but then I call a friend and talk it through and that helps me to release those unproductive thoughts and move on. I find that if I don't get those thoughts out, they tend to fester and get worse and it is harder to let them go.