Another day in the mines, digging for my heart of gold.
My feelings have a tinge of guilt right now - I know it's just the foul smell of decaying insecurity - but I'm mentioning it because it still reeks of those old feelings of unworthiness.
I was feeling a little guilty because I felt like I was receiving all kinds of love from people on these boards, and I wasn't really giving enough back by commenting on the threads of people who have been supporting me.
But F**k that sh*t.
I know that just by being here, being myself, being true, being open and receptive, feeling connected to each of you, and knowing I really do care about all of my new friends here, commenting on people's threads here and there when I can...
I can see that guilt really serves no purpose other than to keep me feeling and playing small.
More to come in a moment...
I am being the possibility of:
1) Integrity 2) Loving myself completely. 3) Things flowing naturally between us, without any fear or attachment to the outcome.
I know that my current beliefs are driving my current behavior. Just like my WAW's current beliefs are driving her behavior.
I know she currently believes that as long as she stays in this marriage, then her deepest needs and desires will never be fulfilled.
And I know that every time I do something that is misaligned with my purpose and my vows, I immediately push her away.
Because I was unaware of this before, I have been unconsciously pushing her away again and again and again.
Because I was always more focused on trying to do things that would show or prove or convince her of certain things in order to make things go exactly as I want, there was no way that either of us could ever be truly happy and aligned together.
There was no way we could have remained feeling happy and free and natural being together.
So that means as long as I am trying to show her that I have changed, instead of simply changing for myself, the old stinky patterns will remain.
This is literally the challenge of a lifetime for me.
I can see that even this post is leading up to a defining moment for me.
Gotta slow way down and breathe...
I am being the possibility of:
1) Integrity 2) Loving myself completely. 3) Things flowing naturally between us, without any fear or attachment to the outcome.
Your traveling at Mach 1. I'm still in Mike Neutral.
I hear the big dog's bark. But first here's a little byte:
"What would I do if I knew I could not fail"
I have asked many other people this question before, but never had the balls to actually answer it myself.
So the first thing I would do is think highly enough of myself to at least answer the damn question.
Done. Got it. Next?
Now if I knew I could not fail, there are 2 things I would do.
1. I would do all the necessary work to achieve my goal of earning $10,000 per month so that I could finally support my family the way I really want to.
2. I would do whatever it takes to save my marriage and live happily ever after together with my L---- (wife.)
My immediate questions are:
1. I've got some solid vows to start. What is my essential purpose? What is my purpose really?
2. never mind where they came from, what are the unhealthy beliefs that are driving my unhealthy behavior.
3. What are the new experiences or references I must now consistently give myself to dispel my old beliefs, and condition new beliefs that serve me better.
Go Dog Go.
I am being the possibility of:
1) Integrity 2) Loving myself completely. 3) Things flowing naturally between us, without any fear or attachment to the outcome.
Your traveling at Mach 1. I'm still in Mike Neutral.
As long as the answers come....
Originally Posted By: Busting Mode
Now if I knew I could not fail, there are 2 things I would do.
1. I would do all the necessary work to achieve my goal of earning $10,000 per month so that I could finally support my family the way I really want to.
2. I would do whatever it takes to save my marriage and live happily ever after together with my L---- (wife.)
Is that what defines you ?
Money, and another person ?
Originally Posted By: Busting Mode
My immediate question is:
2. never mind where they came from, what are the unhealthy beliefs that are driving my unhealthy behavior.
No wonder your brain hurts.....
Start with this one maybe.....
And remember, the answers are for you, not anyone here.
I need to tell my wife that I have rescheduled our DB session for a time when I think she might be available.
Right now our coach is only available on Mondays.
In my last email to her, when I upset her with my comments about me starting to look for someone else, in the very same breath that as I asked her if she could keep our 5 pm appointment, she responded very angrily.
The message I am thinking of sending to her soon is:
"I was able to reschedule our counseling appointment on Monday. Instead of 5 pm, it is now at 6 pm. As I have already spoken to the counselor by myself, she seemed to think it would be better if you were also able to speak to her alone.
Please let me know if you are able to call her at 6pm on Monday, and if you would rather speak to her by yourself or have me on the phone with you."
What do you think?
I am being the possibility of:
1) Integrity 2) Loving myself completely. 3) Things flowing naturally between us, without any fear or attachment to the outcome.
