Yes, BM, you do. Once you find your boundaries and your way in life....Yes you CAN "get over it". See, the trick here is not doing anything to show your wife what she is missing, it's all about showing YOU what your wife will be missing. Once you figure that out, she will know what she is missing.
All the 180's and GAL'ing is for you. NO one else. Chances are it took awhile for your wife to reach the point to step out on your marriage. Chances are YOU had a lot to do with it. I'm not saying your at fault for HER bad decisions, but until you really get to the point where you FORGIVE and work on yourself, then you will not get over what she has done.
That's why all this BS hurts so much, we come here to save our marriage, but ultimately we need to save ourselves. Even if your the perfect guy and you did NOTHING to deserve this, you still have to find it in your heart to forgive her. The crappy part about all this is the TIME it takes.
See the time she needs at this point outweighs what you want. Time and change is what dictates your future. You want change, then you become the best you possible. Only after that time, will she MAYBE see what she is missing. You have to remember, if she's with someone else, she's also under the "addiction" of an affair. By separating and protecting yourself from HER bad decisions, you can focus on you and better yourself. Once you accept this, the sooner she might see that shift in you. That's why putting up with infidelity is such a battle, You have to show yourself capable of moving on, but you have to strong enough to forgive her and accept that this is her choice. If you don't show her that you are not willing to put up with the affair, she will test you til you do show her your worth more. What this means is detach and become a you that can manage with or without her.
As far as time goes, what will you do with this time?....use it as a gift to better yourself.
Remember, ultimately, what she will find attractive is you letting her go and the ability to move on without her. I'm not saying give up on her, but do something that allows you to focus on you, detach from what she thinks. Focus on you.
"Build it and they will come".
It mirrors what Grit is telling you as well.
This is going to be the journey of your lifetime, and in some ways , the journey FOR your lifetime...
Don't be afraid of it
Don't shy away from it
Embrace it, and see where it takes you...
And for now, think of your wife as lost luggage...
Everything is your choice..
To stand
To not stand
As long as it is YOUR choice , for you, not for her.
She gets to make her own choices
Right now, you aren't one of her choices. Will you be eventually ?
Maybe...maybe not..
That is why you work on the things you can control.
You decide if you sign those papers or not....YOU
The worst thing you could possibly imagine has already happened...
Everything else ?
Your choices..
Is you being either married or divorced, going to define who you are ?
So now it is finally clear to me emotionally as well as intellectually what these boards are all about.
In my head I always knew these boards were more about me becoming the best me possible than they were about saving my marriage.
I just didn't want to believe it.
Guess that old part of me that wanted to remain a victim, that needed to be dependent on other people, and need other people to validate him and give him his self-worth...
Guess that old passenger really liked his mule.
Gonna pause here and catch my breath.
I am being the possibility of:
1) Integrity 2) Loving myself completely. 3) Things flowing naturally between us, without any fear or attachment to the outcome.
So now it is finally clear to me emotionally as well as intellectually what these boards are all about.
In my head I always knew these boards were more about me becoming the best me possible than they were about saving my marriage.
I just didn't want to believe it.
Guess that old part of me that wanted to remain a victim, that needed to be dependent on other people, and need other people to validate him and give him his self-worth...
Guess that old passenger really liked his mule.
Gonna pause here and catch my breath.
Well, that certainly is ONE definition....
Unless, of course, you see the forest instead of the trees.
And.....
Losing this...
Quote:
Guess that old part of me that wanted to remain a victim, that needed to be dependent on other people, and need other people to validate him and give him his self-worth...
And adding this....
Quote:
me becoming the best me possible
Gives you the best chance to save your marriage....
At this point I am still my own worst enemy. And my own best friend.
Seems a little self-absorbed to be spending so much time on my thread and not as much on others', but I know I've gotta take care of myself first, before I'm of any real use to others, and although I've seen some light I'm still not out of the woods.
Lo! I am still DBing!
I am still assessing the mistakes that I have made communicating with my wife, and looking to improve.
Whatever!
I'm running with it!
So I've noticed that ANY unchecked comment, question or emotion can lead to disastrous results given where my wife is at.
Any thing that even remotely appears to her as a threat, anything that remotely appears to her as me being controlling, as not listening, not hearing, not caring...
Any and all of those things can ONLY reinforce her beliefs that she knows me, that I will never change, and therefore her needs will never be met with me.
I keep on driving her further and further away with every stupid stumble.
It's a pattern that I am done with.
Wife said she cannot make our DB session at 5 pm on Monday. I have rescheduled it for 6 pm.
If I do not hear from her first, I will sent her an email on Sunday night telling her I have rescheduled and she is welcome to join me on the call or not.
If she does, great. If she doesn't, it doesn't matter.
I will simply take the call myself and discuss my next steps with my coach.
I am being the possibility of:
1) Integrity 2) Loving myself completely. 3) Things flowing naturally between us, without any fear or attachment to the outcome.
Any and all of those things can ONLY reinforce her beliefs that she knows me, that I will never change, and therefore her needs will never be met with me.
I keep on driving her further and further away with every stupid stumble.
It's a pattern that I am done with.
B
I
N
G
O !
My goal is to some day be the person my dog thinks I am
Helluva lot of growth today and I am feeling pretty spent.
In the wake of my impatience, and by failing to slow right down and really wait and hear her instead of being so damn worried about protecting myself and getting what I want...
...evidenced once again this morning by that thoughtless, hurtful and unnecessary comment I made to her about my signature on the divorce papers being final, and if I did that it meant I would be immediately moving on to find someone else to share my life with...
Even if that were true there was no good reason for me to tell her that. As True & Mach helped me see, it's just more evidence of me trying to force things and that is more obvious to my wife than anyone.
The silver lining there is that she and I both showed genuine emotion. I especially have been keeping my feelings guarded and I know she has as well.
And, it finally loosened the noose that my mom and I have both had wrapped around our necks ever since I was a kid.
Real quick, I was finally able to tell my mom in a way that she could hear about somethings that I was still really angry and blaming her about.
I was blaming my feelings of insecurity, inadequacy and unworthiness on the fact that when I was a kid, she was often telling me "it's not worth it" to stand up for myself against my abusive step-father.
She thoughts she was protecting me by telling me it's not worth it, but the message I always held deep at the center of my being was that I'm not worth it.
I know L---- (WAW) has deep rooted insecurities as well.
Ong Namo Guru Dev Namo.
I bow to our Creator. I bow to the divine guidance within.
I am being the possibility of:
1) Integrity 2) Loving myself completely. 3) Things flowing naturally between us, without any fear or attachment to the outcome.
