Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Shine on you crazy diamond III

We have all been here. Me included.

The problem you have: You still have HOPE. Until you let go of HOPE, this will continue on and on.

Limbo is a horrible place to be.

Spent a gut wrenching year there myself. You can only hang on so long. Let her go. If she comes back great, but at a certain point you have to move on for your sanity...

It is one of the hardest decisions you will ever make. You can't start healing until you make the decision to move on. Then you get "you" back, you get your life back and maybe she will come back. If she doesn't well you are well down the path of getting past all this.

You are better than waiting for a "text back" from someone who clearly doesn't value you anymore...

TG, Nine, Punchy, D1, thanks for the 2x4's. I needed them. I was really down after this weekend and I think I let it get the best of me. As I have stated a thousand times, this is why I come here. If I wanted to make the same stupid mistakes over and over again, I could do that on my own. But, to change direction, look for a new option, or find a new path, that takes a "beginner's mind." And, there or times when I can't find mine. But, you guys and gals are here to help me find it. Thank you as always!!!

I don't know why I get so caught up in this mess some days. There are days when I am perfectly fine. Then, there are others where the world is coming apart. But, I have to work on my detaching. I have to do a better job of this or I will fail without a doubt. I was instructed to make contact by my coach, but when it didn't go well, I lost control. Bad move. Instead, what I should have done is told myself that it may take 100 texts before she responds someday and at least now I have three of them out of the way! I have to learn to accept the pace in which this thing is moving. I have to learn to accept the fact that GALing is for me, not her. My time in the gym is for me, not her. If I can't detach properly, I will not be able to handle the brief live encounters with her which will hinder my DBing. OK, I have to work on this...

I really have to get my act together in the next 48 hours. She is going to attend my brother's wedding on Saturday. Four hours in the same room with her will put me in my grave if I don't get my act together. Any suggestions on how to handle this will be much appreciated. Gritter, thoughts?

BITS never walk alone!

FOBD

Will I get shot if I suggest that you take a date to the wedding? Nothing serious, no real dating, maybe a female friend or co-worker she hasn't met yet (because you are not ready to date yet if you're still trying to decide to stop DB'ing or not). A friend date would be a good support system, a good distraction, someone who can you dance with, laugh with, etc and enjoy the night with and NOT obsess about your W. And when they are exchanging vows in the wedding, in your head loudly say the Pledge of Allegiance or any other non-romantic verse you have memorized to drown out the vows and marriage stuff that you don't need to hear and get upset about with your W feet away. JMHO.



[edited by dbmod to add note: This can be dangerous to your marriage, dating is not recommended. ]

I know this feeling well FOBD. I have narrowed my days of despair down and I can recognize when they will come. Usually it is between Monday and Saturday although I do take Sundays off from suffering, I have given myself permission to enjoy this day.


You have no choice in the matter. It is hard to suffer. You have been here long enough to know my sitch and I yours. I know the pain. We have zero control of them, we do have control of us.


Being a loving person is an unconditional thing. It’s not about, “I will love you if you come back “or “I will love you if you do things the way I want you to do them.” It’s about, “I will love you regardless of your decisions or your actions and I will treat you with dignity and respect even if i find your behavior to be completely unacceptable to me.”

But this does not mean being a doormat. Quite the contrary. Being a loving person starts with being loving toward oneself.


Managing your emotions is subtly but meaningfully different than trying to control them. When you try to control your emotions, you do so by rejecting and repressing them. It’s like putting a cap over a pot of boiling water and pretending the water isn’t boiling. I see this as a bad idea for several reasons:

It requires a lot of effort and is intrinsically painful;

It doesn’t really work; you can only control your emotions to a small degree;

The emotions eventually bottle up and they overwhelm you;

In the long term, the whole process is stressful and damaging to your health.

Managing your emotions is not about trying to reject them or repress them. It’s not a combative process, it’s a transformational process. To manage your emotions means to:

Accept they are there and there’s a positive intention behind them;

Understand both the external aspects of your life and the internal aspects of your thinking which create them, amplify them and sustain them;

Address these aspects and change them, in order to change your emotional reactions.

Have a good time FOBD at the wedding.

I leave you with this thought and I hope you say it to your self several times in your head before you enter the wedding.

VENI VIDI VICI

nice response 2step...

BITS
Denver

That ^^^^^^^ would be my advice...



F@ckin' A 2step!

FOBD

Your BITS got you buddy.

Control your emotions.

Know who you are.

She will see or she won't. It doesn't matter.

She is not not your mirror.

You have come a long way. Show her.

THE BITS are hot tonight. All great advice. I recently had to be in the same room with her at her house where she does her thing with to OM. I was there for four hours as well in a small house.

My advice is to keep it cool as if you are in total control. Avoid being in close proximaty to her but when you are , stay cool and act if you dont really care that she is there. IMO, dont empower her but dont be a jerk either. I have trouble with the not being a jerk part as I tend to ignore altogether. She sometimes talks to me but has to repeat herself because I truly dont look at her much.

Also, take solace in the fact you will be surrounded by friends and family and that in the end, four hours is four hours. The sun will in fact rise tomorrow.

9
BITS

You have gotten good advice, but please note the edit on hope's post above. While taking a date isn't recommended DB advice, you could show you are having a good time and dance with every female family member around. Just don't mope.

You can do this. Think of your BITS.

I agree about not taking a date. Find girls at the wedding to talk to and dance with (and do enjoy talking/dancing with them). Use it as an opportunity to expand your social circle and meet new people. You're the best man, after all - kind of a host - so, it's within your job description to do just that. Use it to your personal advantage. You have a good time regardless. Let your W take responsibility to worry about herself and her own good time. If she approaches you, be receptive. If she doesn't, she's not your problem. Play your part as Best Man with true confidence. If she sees you are enjoying yourself in an open & honest fashion, I bet she'll make some sort of move toward you (probably very subtle, so don't miss it). If she doesn't, don't be offended - nothing is lost, you just didn't gain - she might not be there quite yet. Don't try to force it, just go back to your best man duties and continue with your good time.

Also, FOBD, stop with beating yourself up over her lack of response to your texts. Perhaps they are too much pressure and she incapable of dealing with them, so she just ignores them. Perhaps her phone is broke. Perhaps she is trying to save money and text less. Who knows? It's not your problem. Set the bait, cast the line, and leave it at that. If she responds, you caught something - great! If she doesn't, don't keep casting. Forget it, real in your line, and go back another time. After your good day with all the hugs, she may just feel she let down her guard and needs to distance herself some. This is normal.

You are giving her too much credit where none is due. Your projecting your own emotions here, not reacting to hers. You are reacting to your own ideal, which may or may not be accurate. Don't give her that kind power over you. She doesn't want it and couldn't handle it anyway. She is most likely innocent of any of the meaning you are attributing to her non-response. Get yourself together and focus on reality. Don't read ANYTHING into any of this. Work strictly with what you can see is true and fact.

FOBD, I've read all your threads, your whole story, beginning to end. I recommend you do the same for some clarity, insight and inspiration. It is amazing how far you've come and how much you've grown as a man. We all stumble. You do a great job of picking yourself up and pressing on. You are a man who does the right thing, even though it hurts or you don't like it (like helping your friend through his grief, letting you wife take furniture, allowing her to attend the wedding, etc.). That speaks volumes. Honestly, if she can't see that, then she may not be worthy of you anyhow. In my situation, my WAW has expressed she doesn't feel she deserves our M anymore - I don't know if that is true or not. Point is, we are dudes and we honestly cannot imagine what goes through our WAW's heads, no matter how much we think we know them. Nor does she understand you. It cracks me up when my WAW thinks she knows me so well, she reacts to me the way I used to be back when we were still together. I'm a million miles away from there, now. She hasn't yet caught on, but is beginning to notice things are different. She doesn't know me much at all any more and reacts with an anger she's never had. I'm on the defense when she's around, but it kind of amuses me, as anger in someone else can be a sign that the new me is getting to her - she's putting me in her own head, which also is not my problem.

I look at my R as being over, whether we D or not. If we decide to get back together, then I'll consider our reconciliation a "new" R within the same M contract. We can't just pick up where we left off as if nothing's happened. That wouldn't work for either of us. The old R must die. If we come back to each other, it must be in a brand new R, starting from the beginning.

So, stop letting her into your head. She's probably not trying to get in there, so don't put her in there yourself - remember she wanted to get away from you, so let her go. Don't make yourself crazy over it. You are still above ground, you're fit, you're smart, you're a stand-up guy, and you have your whole life ahead of you. Go live it.

You're little brother is getting married to his sweetheart soon. It's their day. Honor him by being truly happy for him and by being mentally present the whole time. Don't "check out" because of your wife. It's the right thing and you know it. I know you'll end up having a great time regardless.

DBmod and Onmyway,
Thanks for the kind words. Onmyway, I like your style. Please continue to monitor my situation. It is always good to have as many opinions on my sitch as possible. Take care!

****************************UPDATE****************************
Well, I am proud to announce that things went fairly well yesterday and I owe it all to you guys and my DB skills. This will be fairly long, so you might want to use the bathroom and get a snack. HA HA!

Wedding was at an old plantation home on the front lawn. I was looking very nice in my tux. Wife showed and sat on very back row on the isle. Wedding party was in house and no one on lawn could see us in the house. I could see where she was through the window. Music started and I walked out at took my place next to the justice of the peace. I was the first one out. I could see her through the corner of my eye, but I didn't acknowledge her. I did acknowledge others in the crowd. At some point, I did look her way. She was staring at me and when she saw me looking, she smiled, and waved. I smiled and winked back. Weather as beautiful and ceremony was very nice.

After ceremony, went inside to take pics with family. She did not attempt to get in the pics. Actually, she left all together and headed to the reception hall with other guests while we stood on porch taking family photos with bride and groom. She could see what was going on, but left anyway. I guess she no longer thinks she is family. Plus my mother had already expressed her desire to not have my w in the photos.

Proceeded to reception hall. Walked in and she was sitting at a huge table with my family!!! Very strange. She was sitting with my grandmother, numerous aunts and uncles and some of my cousins. Don't really know why she was there at that table when there were other tables there that had just common friends. It does bother me a bit that she still thinks she belongs there.

Anyway, after all the hub-bub that goes on with the dances and pictures, I was finally able to move about the crowd. I had to interact with her. She was sitting at the table with my family. When I went to greet them, it was a bit hard to avoid her!! I went over told her hi and tried to give her a hug. She completely "half-*ssed" the hug right in front of entire family. Nice!! She looked very disinterested in seeing me. She sits at their table, but then blows me off when I come by. Kind of rude, frankly. But, I didn't let it phase me one bit. I just kept smiling and laughing and talking to everyone.

I was very relaxed and on my game. I made sure I was void of all alcohol all day. I drank water and cranberry juice at the reception. Not one drop of alcohol!

So, once I saw her attitude I decided to turn it up a bit. She was clearly avoiding me. When I sat down at the table with my family, she got up and moved to another table. Anytime I would move to her side of the room, she would move away. It was really quite sad and I began to feel sorry for her actually. At points, no one was talking to her. Much of my family was actually quite upset she was there and felt like she should not have shown. I asked them to keep their opinions to themselves and not to confront her. They did as I asked.

During the photos, I picked up my little 10 month old niece and began dancing with her in the middle of the crowd. People were clapping and cheering me on. I was smiling and laughing like an idiot. Even my niece was getting a kick out of it. I was watching my W out of the corner of my eye. She was trying to act like she didn't see what was going on but it was kind of hard to miss. I was in the middle or the room. So, what does she do. About five minutes later, I notice she picks up of my other little cousins and starts dancing around with her acting just like I had. No one noticed or cheered... I knew I had "fish on!!!"

A few moments after the dancing, I went to bar to get drink. W passed by me and made eye contact. I stopped her and asked her how she was doing. I could tell she was starting to well up a bit and struggled to answer. Made small talk. She informed me that my 92 year-old grandmother asked her point blank, "Have you gained weight?" I can't believe she did that. But sometimes the elderly don't feel the need to hold their tongues. My w has put on a considerable amount of weight since the S and she is not happy about it. So, when she told me about the comment, I smiled and told her that I was very sorry for my grandmothers actions. I told her she shouldn't let it bother her. She smiled. I then told her I was happy she had showed up and it was nice to see her. She smiled and we parted.

I tried a few more times throughout the day to make conversation when she was near me, but she continued to blow me off and avoid me when possible. So, I turned it up again. Then it was my time to shine. I had to deliver the best man's speech. I grabbed the microphone and called the crowd to attention. I asked the bride and groom to come to the center of the room. I then delivered a "knock out" speech. I delivered a quick joke that got a huge laugh and then I went on for about 5 minutes and there wasn't a dry eye in the room!!! I finished with this quote about love that I found on the Internet. The room was stone quiet. Both my brother and my SIL were crying a bit. When I finished, my brother and SIL rushed me and hugged me together with tears in their eyes. I was so happy for them and me. It was a very special moment that I will NEVER forget. I love them both dearly. People kept coming up to me all day telling me how moved their were. I worked for two weeks on that speech. Later in the day, a buddy of mine told me he was watching my W during my speech. He said she never took her eyes off of me and she started crying during the speech. I was soooo happy to know I reached her, in a way.

The band was very talented and the party was starting to get good. So, I grabbed the bride and headed to the dance floor. We had an awesome time. I was dancing and smiling and having fun... completely sober none the less!!! Me and one other guy had a dancing contest. People were gathered around and clapping. As I was leaving the dance floor, I noticed she was standing all alone at the bar. I left her there while I got high-fives from my buddies for my performance. Funny though, the minute I left the dance floor, she went out and started to dance. You could tell she didn't want to be there, but she was trying.

Reception ended and I was standing with my mother. My w came over to tell us she was leaving and to tell my mother good-bye. We made small talk and I asked her if I could walk her to her car. She smiled and said yes. We walked out and ended up talking for 20 minutes. We laughed and had a nice time. I don't know why after all the guests were gone that she suddenly opened up. The wedding party and many others were going out to a bar last night. She was invited but had declined. So, while we were chatting outside, I asked her if she was going. Again, she said no. I smiled and said, "I think you should come, it will be fun." She agreed and said she would like that. I was thrilled.

I spent the rest of the afternoon with my family and had a very nice time. I was so excited. I got through the day, I DB'ed like a pro and I didn't get too down or too happy. It went very well for me. I don't know how well it went for her. I could tell she was very nervous and very uneasy most of the day.

Team, thank you! Without your support and guidance, I would probably have blown this thing completely! I feel like I did exactly what I needed to do yesterday. I was friendly and polite to her, I did my best to make her feel welcome and I even saved her from my grandmother. She saw me sober and enjoying life. I definitely had more fun than she did yesterday and I can't thank all of you enough!!!!

Now, there are more details coming about the evening, but I am going to start another post. But, instead of me sitting here trying to read her mind, I am going to ask your opinions. How do you think it went? Why did she do some of the things she did?

More to come...

FOBD