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See, that is the thing!!!

Maybe I just never grew up. Maybe I don't want to change so much. Maybe I don't want to get healthy. Maybe I don't want to be what my W wants anymore. Maybe I want to self destruct.

My W and I met when we were young. We were both crazy punk rock kids. We went through a lot of our lives together still living like that. We drank. We smoke. We had fun. We did change though. 14 yrs later she is an RN and I am a CPA. We bought a house and we had a kid. However, I never completely changed. I still drink and I still smoke. I like to think. I like music. I like to question. I like to be a little crazy. I like to be sarcastic. I like being a little bad now and again.

Now, she says she has changed. She doesn't like those things anymore. Wants a gym rat. Wants a "nice" guy. Wants a guy like dear old dad.

I just don't know if that is who I am. Who I want to be. I NEED to decide. I need to find our what I REALLY want. I know I want my family back, and you know, if I thought it would truly work, I wouldn't even think about what I wanted to make that happen. I would do it because it is the right thing to do.

So what am I doing now? Trying to decide who I REALLY am. What I REALLY want. Unfortunately those answers do not always come easy. They can actually change by the minute. Wish in one hand, sh!t in the other, but what I want is my old W back. I want the girl I married. Unfortunately it looks like she is gone. Now I need to decide if I can be the right guy for this new woman. IDK if I can.

That is 5 maybe's by my count. Maybe.......you should first sit down and decide what YOU want to be. Maybe you need to think what you have brought to the decline and kill that in you. It is a process and it is painful. You have read my sitch I struggle with this. If you go back to my first few post though and compare them to now you realize it is not impossible.



When you find that, you will begin to heal and really make progress. UNTIL you do, you are stuck

Sounds clear to me.



It has been said it many ways before and here it is again...

You need to decide how you can be a better guy for you.

That is something you DO know.

So what might being better for you actually look like?

If you like, tell us 3 ways how you can be a better man for you. If you can't think of 3, then tell us 5.

You're like the Medusa ride at Six Flags all on our own aren't you ?


There is only ONE way to get to where you want to be.



Nobody here should have to convince you to stay married..


What we can do is help and support you through YOUR decisions. The problem lies with that you can't decide anything.

You seem to be full of "maybe's" and "buts".

Both are excuses for not doing better for yourself. Both lead to you being a victim.

By not making emotionally healthy choices, and being able to blame your spouse for "leaving" you, you get the sympathy vote from friends and family....

Not here Country...

You have choices to make

You have choices to live by

You get to choose those things, yet you are unable to make any without a maybe this or maybe that.

F what your wife wants right now, don't change FOR her.

Your choices don't show that you have anything for YOU, let alone her , or your marriage.

What are you so afraid of ?

Why does change scare you so much ?





Why don't you start with being that new guy for you....???



You BETTER be honest with yourself.



Why ?



Why ?





Why?





Why ?




You control your thoughts. Your focus isn't on you because you want to be the victim. As long as she did this to you, then you can accept no blame for your relationship failing. STOP




Ya think ?



That is because you don't have any faith in yourself. You don't trust yourself. You don't believe that you are capable of anything other than what history has shown.


To achieve great things, you must involve great risk.....

Country, you are letting history define you, and who you want to be.

You , in present day, through your actions and inner core, is what defines you.

When you can HONESTLY look into that mirror every night and say that you were the best Country you could be...

Can you do that today ?

Well, thanks to everyone who replied. I obviously have a lot of thinking to do.

I am scared. I'm scared of the future. I'm scared of losing everything I have loved. I'm scared of the unknown.

I started all of this with a certain amount of tunnel vision. Only seeing one way to proceed. All of a sudden I see a fork in the road. This decision is causing some internal turmoil. I know the path I should take, but I also know how hard it will be. The easier path becomes tempting.

The 2x4's hurt, but they also help bring back some strength. I need to build that strength back up. A new day and anything is possible I guess. I must keep my demons in check.

Country, last night I got an assignment.
It was a very interesting assignment.
I suggest that it might be a useful exercise for you too.

Sit down and write a letter to yourself, from the perspective of a year in the future, looking down the past to this time.
What goals did you accomplish, where did you succeed, what improvements did you make to you? What is your life like in a year? Write it with optimism, hope and fearlessness.

I'm going to primt my letter out and post it on my bedroom wall in exta large font so I see it every morning as a reminder.

Hey country, I am in the same boat right now. I think this weekend it sorta hit me that i am doing a mistake waiting on my W. I am much better off without her and moving on myself. Who knows, maybe i'll find a better partner. The only thing that draws me back to her is our daughter and the life i can give of them.

The thing you feared the most...has already happened

CS,
this is a very natural feeling. I too felt this way early on and I can tell you now looking back, it will pass.

The sooner you take control of YOUR life the faster the feeling will go.
Start envisioning all the good things in your life and future.

My biggest fear was that I was going to be D and wiould never find anyone else.
Well, i faced my fears, moved towards D b/c W dragged her feet and start to realize I was an awesome catch. OW were noticing me.
Only you can write your future. What do you want and where do you want to go?

The future is unknown regardless of whether or not you are with you W. You reconcile... the future is unknown. She could leave you again 6 months from now or 20 years from now... or you could decide to leave her... or worse things could happen.

You don't reconcile your M... the future is unknown. You could D and remarry your W 6 months from now or 20 years from now... or not. You may find someone else to love... you may not.... or worse things could happen.

Get it?



Ok... 2x4 for ya. IMO you're not doing yourself any favors by going on dates right now. This sh!t is confusing enough for us. By adding additional factors and temptations, you are actually making things more difficult for yourself.

You're clearly not ready to consider a new R... so why go down that path? For personal validation? Why do you need that? Can you be happy without that? If not, why not???

The easier path is not always the RIGHT path Country.

BITS
Denver