Oh's, and I see your word....actions. OK. Let me think how best to protray that. Or better still, I will think everything will be OK and my actions will follow.
Me:49 H:45 D:12 M:14 T:18 Bomb: 6/26/10 EA: 9/3/10, fizzled out slowly, now ??? 11/5/11 Retrouvaille Finally piecing.... Its peaceful at last, but we got a looong way to go
There you go! If H senses that you are still upset... He is more likely to be as well...
Act 'as if' if you need to!
BITS Denver
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
You need to learn those relaxation techniques. They are very important. They were a life saver for me after my rape because I was having panic attacks all the time.
Let me break down what I said to my H about him walking/threatening separation every time he got upset about something. I kind of set a boundary with him. I told him that I wasn't going to deal with it. I told him that it upset me. I told him that it tears us apart. Most importantly, I told him that if it continues, he'll be shown the door.
You need to forgive yourself for whatever breach you think you've made... being human? How terrible of you to be human
However, you seriously have to get this under control NOW. Prioritize yourself. Not your marriage. You need not inform your H about doctor appts. or other issues at the moment. Doing so only sets you up for a problem. Why do I say that? You are waiting for a reaction from him. Sadly, the reaction won't be exactly what you want. That just sends you back into another possible panic attack. The whole thing turns into a nasty catch-22. You can't stay there.
Sweetie, you MUST detach. I know that is scary. I know that is horrifying. I know it feels like the worst thing that could happen especially being together for so long. But you MUST. You need to find a way to be happy. I know that sounds ridiculous, but that is the way it is. I used to think, well, if this happens, then I'll finally be happy. Then "this" happened, but I wasn't happy because I still needed "that" to happen. "That" happened, but guess what? I needed something else. Right here, right now, what is going to make you happy besides a healthy marriage? You've got to get your brain in another place.
Big, big hugs for you, Angel. I know it's hard. I'm praying for you.
When my wive dropped the bomb I followed that up with about 2 weeks straight of panic attacks lol. I already had general anxiety disorder so this level of stress put me over the top. I finally went to the doctor and they put me on Lexapro (which I had never heard of) and gave me xanax for the attacks. I'm pretty good at using breathing and such to control my anxiety in most situations but this was just too much.
Within two weeks I started noticing pretty profound changes in myself. The calmness that it brought to me has been kind of miraculous after having spent my life shaking like a wet baby bird lol. It's one of the things that I have gained the most from this experience.
BITS
M 11/11/00 Bomb end of September 2010 Filed 11/9/10
awwww next, i'm so sorry that happened and am so glad you are moving forward and doing so much better now you are right i think, no matter what the outcome, this is going to make us all so much stronger so much so i know it
Lis, I just ignored H when he talked about leaving today. I just gave him "the look". About the appointment, I usually don't let him know, although when he does he asks me if they do help. He wanted me to make one today though. Honestly, he does seem very concerned that I am falling apart, he knows its all his fault as he does blame himself and beat himself up about it as well. But as everyone knows, guilt is not a good reason for him to stay in the M. One of the things though is that culturally and with the type of religious upbringing we have, guilt does play an important role.
Thank you grr for the encouragement and validation, I needed that as much as I give validation to H.
Next, good to know that meds might help me get a grip and be a better person. Being in the medical field, I know a lot about side effects, so I tend to be negative (most of us are) about medication. I will give it a try and have made an appointment with a pyschiatrist.
So H has called 2x already today to inquire about D12's and my wellbeing. His voice during the first was strained, and when I told him not to worry, he said in a strangled tone "I am already so worried". The second call his voice was almost gentle and soothing .... more like the old H again.
Maybe this does have some effect after all.
Me:49 H:45 D:12 M:14 T:18 Bomb: 6/26/10 EA: 9/3/10, fizzled out slowly, now ??? 11/5/11 Retrouvaille Finally piecing.... Its peaceful at last, but we got a looong way to go
Guilt is a toxic emotion. It really is at the end of the day. It causes a person to give up on themselves and everyone else. That's why I want you to involve him as little as possible. I want him to believe that you are strong. I want you to believe that. If you need some help (i.e. medication) then so be it. Listen, I needed xanax. It isn't such a big deal at the end of the day. It helped me enormously. But he needs to believe that you are strong so he is not operating in guilt. That changes the face of EVERYTHING.
You are not doing anything wrong. Frankly, the way you are feeling is very normal and there isn't anything wrong with you. But right now, we want to save your marriage. In order to do this, we need to get you well. And we need to make sure that your H knows that you are strong.
Sweetie, what's the game plan. Let's come up with a plan. Let's come up with the things that are going to make you feel strong. You are already strong, because no one walks this walk without being strong. We just need to get your panic attacks under control and you feeling more confident.
Guilt says " I did wrong." Shame says " I am wrong, everything about me is wrong."
Guilt can always be ameliorated by apology and acts of restitution.
Shame cannot. Shame is the toxin that poisons.
The key to that is to transform your shame to guilt, take back your self esteem, and realise you are a person of worth and value and you do matter.
BITS Me-51, WAS-52 Kids 2 M-26yrs, H.left 2009, 2 more Bomb drops, Reconnection spring 2013 Change is inevitable, personal growth is a choice. Love is a action and choice you make, every day.
We can agree to disagree, but guilt is bad in this situation. Once my husband started dealing with his guilt, things got a lot better. Guilt is a horrible motivator.
