Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Piecing Our Marriage Back Together Again ...the teacher appears

Lol,

I tried to put it on reserve at my library, but had no success...will try again this afternoon.

Thanks Hud! Wonderful help!

Sage, I'll armwrestle you for the book!

Hugs!

Cool, you guys are all expressing a lot of the same sentiments I've been having! I try on occassion to visit other forums, but it really is hard on the PMA. I can handle all of the raw feelings that come up when I hear the pain in other people's sitch, those are demons that I am not afraid to wrestle with.

What I do have a hard time with is seeing people feeling so desperate, and wanting answers, wanting someone to tell them how to FIX THE PROBLEM. I wish I could, but I can't!

I have come to the conclusion that the best thing Newcomers can do is to read through all of the posts of those of us who have come out the other side of things. ALL of the posts...especially the old ones where our struggles, mistakes and successes were documented for all to see.

I think that one of the biggest gifts this board has given me is the way we have let others know us in a real inimate way--through our posting. When I first came to Piecing, it was a huge relief to know that the things I was feeling were normal, and that if all of you still had challenges even after reconcilliation, that I could do it too!

Unfortunately this is a process (SLOW ONE) and every one of us has had to claw and scratch our way through each step.

I know when I first came to this bb I was a total WRECK and had absolutely nowhere to turn.

This was a Godsend to find others who were going through the same thing that UNDERSTOOD! And would LISTEN!

I was in MLC for a long time and it was VERY depressing there. I was very happy to come to peicing when we started seeing each other again.

It's been on again, off again, but I feel I belong here.

I've recieved invaluble advise here, and it's the ones that have come further along that have the most to offer.

They've been to the school of hard knocks, and know what works and what deosn't.

They also give us hope that we too can have a happy M someday because every one of them went through the blood sweat and tears that it took to get where they are.

There are NEVER any guarantees, but really there are quite a few success stories, and that's good for us to hear.

It's not always doom and gloom.
Mainly we have to get to the place where we're ok no matter what happens. If we can do that, then we're all success stories! Rachael

I just posted this on Tal's thread...I think I need to think about this a bit...

Quote:

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I have to admit that some of the things that h said during our weekend R talk blipped me back into the circular frenzy for a bit...in some way (an ASSUmption?) it seems as though he's still not "sure" but then wonders whether or not I'll ever fully heal and no longer be sad about "this"? I suppose it's far too pat and easy for me to want to say "maybe if you were more SURE, I'd be healing faster, bucko"....or maybe he'd be more SURE if he felt more certain that I could fully heal....

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Sage

Sage - thank you for posting on my thread. Please feel no pressure to post there - I just get alot out of what you post on your thread and feel you are able to lay things out very clearly, as well as seeing some similar issues we are dealing with. You are certainly welcome on my thread, but again, feel no pressure to post there.

I have also been unable to read much in Newcomers - it's still just too fresh and painful. I feel that I should give back to others here, I feel so grateful to have been led to the bb, and it truly has been my strongest support throgh this journey - maybe in time, I'll be able to post on some newcomer threads - just can't right now. I do think it is helpful to read the posts here. I learn something every day, and reading piecing threads before I got here gave me hope.

Just a few thoughts on your R talk with your H - yes, there were some scary parts, but I think that is part of real intimacy - hearing his thoughts even though some may be painful to hear. The way you handled things by depersonalizing the comments was awesome. This is something I think I am avoiding - your conversation with your H was very close to several conversations my H and I have had over the last several weeks - most of them a result of me seeming down. My H said things along the same lines as your H - in paritcular about not being sure I could ever be less fearful. I want intimacy - but I am afraid of it at the same time.

The other thing that struck a cord with me was your question about why he had the A. This is something I have struggled with - the infidelity chapter in DR has a section on why affairs happen - I have read this, but can't pick out what may have happened in our R. I haven't asked H why - and I'm not sure I should at all/or at least at this point. By my own choice I know very rew details of their R.

Don't mean to highjack your thread - especially not with my stream of consciousness posting.

Mainly wanted to say thank you for your posts - both on my thread and your own. Do what is best for you and your M with regards to the board. You have already helped so many of us.

So glad you had such a good holiday~

HI Sage!

You know I still think my idea of a forum for "M's in progress" is not a bad one...maybe next time they redesign the bb? JJ you out there? Hint hint...

Quote:

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I suppose it's far too pat and easy for me to want to say "maybe if you were more SURE, I'd be healing faster, bucko"....or maybe he'd be more SURE if he felt more certain that I could fully heal....

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It IS circular, Sage...I think that's what my last post's P.S. was all about.

I told CJ I was about 90% in my forgiveness of him (it was a long, crazy Christmas night's argument)...only to find that HE is no where near 10% in forgiving himself.

At the time, I asked if knowing how far along I was helped HIM...he said "No, but it doesn't hurt to know" ...that took me aback...

But since then I've sensed a subtle shift.

Now how does this relate to your sitch...well it was there when I started this post!!!

And YOU worry about being self-indugent!!

Shiny

Positives from yesterday:

1. h and I had made plans earlier in the day to go to a movie when I got home from work...when I got home he had heated up some food for both of us for dinner. So thoughtful! And I love that he felt confident about picking out what I would want to eat!

2. h suprised me by putting up some decoration in the newly organized home office! He had put up some pictures on the wall and also put out some of our wedding pictures . AND he put out an award I had won from my volunteer job and my bowling trophy

3. h sat with me on the couch (as opposed to the recliner) so that we could snuggle. sigh.

This AM:
1. h snuggled with me for a long time in bed. This is a big deal because he's generally a "no touch" sleeper!

Sage

Positives from yesterday:

1. h went to the career counselling center at the Law School...he called me in the afternoon to tell me about and seems very excited and focused on getting a PT job. I'm really excited for him!

2. I had a great day at work yesterday...first one in a LONG time actually. I had made a presentation to the CEO and he was full of praise afterwards. It also gave me an opportunity to remind him of some good work I had done on my last project. That may sound a bit, well, immodest but I've been bemoaning the fact that people here seem to take for granted my work...so, I felt like I was standing up for myself a bit.

3. Had a great "just about to fall asleep" converstion with h in bed last night. it wasn't about anything DEEP at all...but we laughed over some stuff for about 10 minutes.

Today:
1. I've got a lunch date today with h! This is big news! It was his idea.

Sage